overwhelmed by JOY...

As we worshipped this morning, I was overwhelmed.

I was up front, helping lead, with 3 other singers.  We led out with a fairly upbeat set of three songs to start the service.  The last one that we sang was called “Stronger.” 

The chorus:

You are stronger, You are stronger

Sin is broken, You have saved me.

It is written “Christ is Risen”

Jesus, You are Lord of all.

It just hit me all over again what God has done for me in the past 3-4 weeks or so.  I mean, the healing, the bringing me to different points of surrender, the hope. 

Yes, my friend Cindy can tell me, “I told you so,” now. 

She kept telling me that there was hope.  She kept on telling me that I would make it through.  That I would heal.  That God had something more for me.

I don’t know the depth of that which God has done yet.  But it is more than a mere surface fix.  For I am more healed, have more hope, feel more freedom than ever before.

God has broken the power of sin and death.   

He has redeemed me and I am His.   

Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. 

I am more than a conqueror through Him who loved me.

These truths resonated in me over and over this morning through our first set of worship.  We came back around to the chorus (above) and as we got to it, I couldn’t stand still.  It was all I could do to keep from dancing up there.  I had a hard time singing cause I couldn’t tell if I was going to cry or laugh or do some combination of both.

I am undone.

I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by JOY!

Please enjoy this video of the worship song, “Stronger.”  It’s worth the time… and wonderful to worship along with.

A new place...

A new place.

That’s where I am now. 

In a new place.  I never expected this on Wednesday as I sat down to review my “Believing God” study in preparation for leading it the next day.

Two weeks ago, God took me to a new place in my believing Him.  He prompted me to surrender to Him completely.  I made the decision to walk by faith no matter what He called me to do, no matter what happened to me in the future.  I was going to trust Him with everything.

After two weeks of walking that way and seeing what it felt like to be in such peace, God asked me again to do something. 

It was more of a subtle realization as I was writing a prayer in my journal.

We were given a prompt to thank God for His sovereignty and sufficiency.

As I was writing, I reflected on what sufficiency meant to me.  To me, I always have thought of sufficient being "just enough to fill the need."  However, with God I always think of it meaning, "more than enough to fill the need."  Filling it and then overflowing the cup into the saucer and all over the table.  That kind of sufficiency.

It reminded me of the song, “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.

 As I thought of the song, I was in turn reminded of a time the song played a significant role in my life.

When I was in the hospital the second time in 6 months or so, in 2008, I remember not being able to read the bible, or even pray.  All I could do was cry.  As I went to bed that first night, I cried myself to sleep. 

In the morning, I had a little time after breakfast, then was expected to go back to the common room for some group time and other things.

I remember sitting on my bed, with the door closed (the only way they would allow us to close our doors is if we were changing).  I started at the closet overwhelmed at even the idea of pulling out any clothes to change into.  As I sat there, crying again, I remember the words of this song running through my head.  I don’t even remember hearing or singing the song before

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough.

I couldn't get it out of my head.  A day or so later, I was discharged.  Later that week I was at worship team practice, and guess what song we were singing that week?  Yup.  You guessed it...

So, now back full circle.

Enough.

Sufficient.

God used this train of though and connection of memories to bring me to thinking about the depression I have been struggling with.

Up to this point I have been very resistant to the idea that I would have to struggle with depression all my life.  I kept asking God to heal me from it, to take it away, to at least let me get off the medications I’m on.

Every time someone talked to me about this possibly being my thorn in the flesh, I would calmly tell them, “I know, this may be mine.” Just to get them to stop talking about it.

Inside, to be honest, I felt extremely angry.  I hated the thought that this was a thorn in the flesh for me – whether it was to show Christ’s strength in my weakness or not – the idea that I had to keep this, and that God wasn’t going to remove it infuriated me.  I got stuck on the "thorn in my flesh" part of the passage and never moved beyond that to see the part about Gods power being made perfect in weakness. (see 2 Cor. 12:8-10)

When I heard someone say something to me about this being my “thorn in the flesh” I would clamp down on my reactions.  I had to.  I didn’t want to take off someone’s head when they really were well meaning and only trying to encourage me.  But I could hardly stand it.

The specific question for the journal prompt Wednesday was, “How have I seen God powerfully reveal His supremacy and sufficiency to me personally?”

I reflected back to all the times in the past 3 years that God has held me up, been more than enough, filled me and empowered me.   He has carried me through all the times of despair and depression, joy and pain and peace.  He has carried me in His hands and painstakingly put me together a piece at a time.

I know He will always be working to free me and restore me.  Sometimes pieces will get put together and I won’t even be aware of it right away.

Wednesday, that is exactly what happened. 

God brought me to a point of suddenly being able to see with the eyes of my heart how He has been with me through this all.

I have agonized so long, wanting to be free of depression.  Free from needing to take medications.  I was to the point of messing with my meds, sometimes taking them, sometimes not, because I didn’t want to be on them anymore. 

I asked God why He hasn’t freed me from depression… or at least from the meds.  He has for others. 

But then I realized.

Maybe He has used my struggle with depression to get me to the point of all these different surrenders.  (Yeah, I know – duh – it takes me a while sometimes)

He opened my heart to see that He wanted me to take another step beyond the surrender two weeks ago.  He wanted me to commit to believe Him and have an active, moving forward faith and trust in Him, then wait and see what He was going to do.

Now He wanted me to surrender even more fully.

Surrender more.

Trust more.

With a faith deeper than before.

So I said it.

He used depression to get me here.

So I responded to the prompt I felt in my spirit from Him.  Obeyed Him.

I prayed.

“Ok, Lord.  I will believe You and trust You, even if I am never healed from depression, even if I always have to take medications.”

Two weeks ago the ground work was laid for this decision of my will, spoken aloud, written down to be remembered

Now what?

Now, I am learning to stand on newly healed legs.  Legs that used to be crippled, that never had been used.  Like the crippled man, who in faith stood when Peter and John told him to stand.  Who held onto them and jumped around for joy in the temple to the astonishment of all.  Healed because of his faith, one who had been crippled from birth.

Newly healed legs.  Strengthened ankles.  Feet solidly placed on the Rock.

He set my feet upon the Rock that is Him, and I am leaning against Him.  Resting.  Looking.  Learning what it feels like to actually stand on these healed legs.

Just waiting. 

And in the waiting, doing the things He has placed before me. 

Being a wife and mother.

Doing my administrative job.

Assisting on the Communications Team.

Leading worship on a Worship Team.

And, learning to really listen for my God, my Lord, my Jesus…. And be at peace.

This is truly a new place for me.

And I am overwhelmed….

By Faith....

Today was a good day.

I sat at the coffee shop after dropping off the kids at their respective schools.   I relaxed with my hazelnut breve and settled in. 

It was the first day all week that I didn’t have to rush anywhere. 

I took the time I needed to refill... to be recharged.

The last week I have felt God carrying me.  I can’t describe the peace.  I don’t know if it’s possible to even come up with the right words.

Last week I described how I felt pushed and pulled between what I knew God was wanting me to do, and what I felt He was calling me to, and what my self, my flesh was wanting to do.  I was willfully choosing not to listen to Him.

After working on my bible study some a night or so after I wrote that post, I came across something about God wanting us to start believing Him.  It was the time now, and we shouldn’t wait till tomorrow.

However, at that point as I read it, Dave was rolling over to turn out the light, so I had to wait.  I just said in my heart to God that I wasn’t putting Him off again, but logistically I needed sleep, and my husband was turning out the light.

In the morning, I headed to the coffee shop before I went up to the church to lead our morning ladies bible study.  There I sat, with my bible and bible study open, and my journal out.  I wrote to God about where I was at, what I was feeling and my hesitations.  I thought about my counseling session earlier in the week and how Tricia had been working with me, trying to help me really know and believe that even though this “thing” happened in my past, that I was still valuable, worth saving and pure. 

The more I prayed through it, I could see how God had paved the way through my study that week on my value in God’s eyes, and that He wanted me to believe that I am who He says I am.  God is so good how He orchestrates things.  There is no way that this (and other things He has done) are coincidences.

I finally surrendered last Thursday morning.  I sat in a secluded corner of the coffee shop, cried and wrote and told God that I was going to choose to believe Him.  Right then and there.  No matter what He called me to.  No matter what it looked like.  No matter what I had to leave behind.

In Hebrews 11:8 it says, “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”

I feel like God has been calling me to my promised land.  Though I do not know where I am going, I am packing up my things, getting rid of what I don’t need to weigh me down in the journey, and I am obeying.  I am going.  I don’t know where.  I don’t know what for.  I don’t know how. 

But I do know Who I am going with.  I also know that He is going to reveal more and more of Himself to me.  The more I know about Him, the more I will realize that God is that, and so much more.  I will never learn all there is to know about God. 

I am ok with that. 

I just know that since I have chosen to believe Him… every day this week… I have felt a peace that I haven’t in a long time.  I have felt a joy – not always that I’m happy – but a deeper internal “something” I can’t really describe. 

Maybe it’s a knowing I’m not alone.

Maybe it’s the feeling that I’m finally making the right choices to believe Him.

Maybe it’s that I’m finally obeying Him.

Maybe it’s that I’m not running away any more.

Maybe it’s that I’m not holding onto my past.

I am finally choosing to believe that I am fully forgiven for every past sin – completely and absolutely forgiven.  To the point that it is wiped out, demolished, destroyed.

I am finally choosing to believe daily that I have God’s child, He has a glorious inheritance for me, His incomparably great power is at work within me, He protects me under the shadow of His wing, and His love for me is far bigger, deeper, higher, and wider than I could ever imagine.

For me.

Me!

He knows me inside and out.

So do I.

He knows me better than I do, even the motives behind things I do, that I don’t even realize are there.

But He holds me tight, even when I let go of Him, he never lets go of me.

I know this because I have seen it.

I know this because for a while here I have let go of Him.  Now I am choosing to grab back onto His hand (at least with a more conscious effort than in the past months) and believe Him for every promise He has given me.  Promises He has given to all of us.

In love, we are blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, forgiven, secure, called, confident, free, anointed, able…

That is who God says we are… but there are even more things that are promises to us, just one of them being that He will never leave us or forsake us.  (Yes, even when it feels like He has, He is still there)

Personally, I have the sense that I am being called out to my promised land here on this earth.  I have a heavenly promised land, but I believe that God has a “promised land” here on earth that He wants to give me. 

All He is doing is asking me to believe Him. 

Asking me to follow where He leads. 

Asking me to take the time and really listen,

Really watch to see where He is moving, 

Where He is calling me to.

It’s not going to be in ways I expect maybe, but it is going to be great!  Because our God is a great God!

I am excited.  Scared.  Anticipating what He will do in my life.  Afraid.  Anxious.

Yet at the same time I feel this very secure sense of peace.  Yes, some things have come along this week to try to throw things into that peace.  There have been times when I have succumbed to the pressure, but each time, God has turned my eyes, heart, thoughts back to Him and the peace has invaded my soul again.

I feel like He is asking me to just stay close to Him, resting in His embrace.  I feel like I am truly covered with His feathers and finding refuge under His wings.  (see Psalm 91)  I am just standing next to Him, waiting as He points to something and says, “Try that, there.  See how this stretches you?  This is where I want you to go.”

One new little assignment He gave me that started this week.  I don’t see the big picture.  I’m not supposed to.  He does though.  I am choosing to trust.  Choosing to take the time to see what He sees and to listen like He wants me to.

I am choosing to actively believe Him.  Walking in faith.  Walking, not just believing IN God, but BELIEVING Him.  Believing Him leads to hope...

I want God to later say of me, “By faith Heather….”




Though this post is a bit late for the Walk with Him Wednesdays, I couldn't help but join in on this discussion this week, because I saw how God was working through time in my life - and asking me to take the time with Him I needed.

Please hop over to A Holy Experience and meet Ann.  You are in for a treat.

The push and pull...

This tendency I have to just resist God isn’t just resisting him.  Resisting Him the way I am is a sin… it’s out and out disobedience.  Not doing what God wants us to do {disobedience} is a sin.  I can’t get around it any other way.

I know what God wants me to do.  I want to do it, and find ultimate healing in the process.  At the same time there is this part of me that is digging in and hunkering down.  There is this push and pull inside me between what I want to do and what I should do.  What I know is right, and what I willfully want to do.

What I am really doing is hardening my heart against God.

Good grief! 

I mean look at what God did to the Israelites!  Even though we are under the new covenant now, can I possibly think that God might let me get away with outright hardening of my heart against what He is wanting me to do?

It’s not like He’s wanting me to do anything that is some huge feat.  He wants me to take care of myself so that I can heal.

Simple.

Straight forward.

Self-Care.

If I don’t take care of myself, my mind and my emotions and my spirit are not going to be able to heal the way they need to.

Eating.  Yes, I am having problems with food.  It started with really being sick every time I tried to eat because I was so emotionally upset by some things that started flooding in.  I got to the point in the past month where really I have been eating one small meal a day, cause that’s all I have been able to force myself to do.  Now I am finding that I don’t want to eat.  I get hungry, but feel better when my stomach is empty than when I eat.  I mean I eat when I have to, but when I do, my stomach still feels sort of upset, and doesn’t take very kindly to it.

I did talk to my counselor about, so she knows.  Tricia said to me that for a while you can control the food, but soon it takes over and you find that it’s controlling you.  I know I have to be careful here with this.  I don’t want to get even more unhealthy and go backwards rather than forward.  But at the same time, I am still struggling with the letting go that I need to do.

My meds.  Yes, I am still struggling with this too.  I have been fiddling with my anti-depressant, exactly what I tell others not to do.  Yet I take it one day, and skip a day or two, then take it another day or so, and skip another day or so… and on it goes.  Again, not the way I should be taking care of myself, not the way I would want my friends to take care of themselves.

Those are the main two areas that I am struggling with.  I talked about both of them with Tricia yesterday.  She asked me, focusing in more on the medication at the moment, why I wasn’t taking it.  It took me a long time to answer her, but finally I came up with a couple of things.

The first was that it was something I could control.  Like I am saying to God, “Ok, you can have there and there, but I am going to control this here and this one over here.”  Then I perceive that I have some control somewhere in my life, when other things seem so out of control.  That perception of control makes the swirling of the storms that come around me from time to time, seem less scary and out of control.

The other was that I feel like I don’t really deserve to take the medications that will make me feel better, almost as a punishment for the things that happened in the past.  I don’t deserve to eat because I did such things, and allowed such things, and I am worthless, not worth saving, and helpless, and the only thing there is despair and on and on and on the lies go. 

See, I even know they are lies. 

I am leading the Bible Study, “Believing God” and I still am struggling with believing, actively believing God that I am who He says I am, that He can do what He says He can do, including heal me from my past and present, protect me in the future, forgive and redeem me.

But how much of my struggle is just simple rebellion, plain and simple hardening of my heart against the truth of God?

How much do I have to go through before I finally give in?

I have moments (like on Sunday) where I let down the walls.  Moments where I let God control.  Moments where I feel the freedom of that release and submission.

But they don’t last long, and I find myself wrapped back up in the same old thought patterns.

Even when I am trying to fill my mind with the truth, even when I am getting support and prayers and encouragement from others, going to counseling, working through a Bible study to keep me closer to Him, there is this stubborn core of me that feels like a little kid. 

You know that kid.

The one who closes her eyes, plugs her ears, and yells “La, la, la, I can’t hear you….”

That’s what I feel like is part of me inside.

I don’t know to reach out to that little girl and pull her hands away from her ears and hold her and hug her and let her know that God isn’t going to hurt her.  That He just wants to love her and lead her into her Promised Land. 

To get to my Promised Land, I need to stop looking back and look ahead to the future land that is coming to me.  Yes, it may seem to be filled with giants and scary and too big and too much.  However, God is with me.  He is walking with me.  I have to keep on stepping out in faith and purpose to follow Him no matter what.

I’m not sure that I’m willing.  Willing to let go.  Willing to face the surrender, the lack of control.

It means freedom. 

That freedom means open armed, open handed surrender and submission to God.  I need to throw open my arms and stop protecting my heart and putting up walls between me and my God.

Oh God, break this hard heart of mine.  Make me willing to be willing.  Change my heart, renew my mind.  Break through this hard shell I have built up and help me to move forward again, and not go backwards any more.  Because you know, even as I pray this that part of me is still trying to plan how to hang on to what I want to hang on to.  My will, my desires, my ideas are what need to get torn down, because they are becoming such idols in my life that I find myself only serving you half-heartedly.  Bits and pieces.  Here and there.  Once in a while, as I listen to you and decide to do what you want in that instance.  I don’t want to live like that any more.  I hate the push and pull in my heart.  I hate the tug of war that I am feeling between doing what you want and doing what I want.  I hate knowing what I should do, and the exhaustion of try to fight myself, fight through the junk to do it.  What is holding me back, God?  What is keeping me from progressing and healing as fast as I did last time, as Tricia noted?  What is stopping me from working as hard as I used to, to get healed?  Because You know I can’t keep on going this way much longer.  You know that I finally agreed to have Tricia hold me accountable to taking my medications.  You know that I finally agreed to eat two meals a day, even if they are small and that Cindy is going to hold me accountable to that.  You know that I want to take the right steps.  But you know that I don’t at the same time.  There is such opposition and fear, that I know isn’t from You.  God, You know what I need better than I do myself.  Help me to let go and let You and find the incredible paradox of freedom in submission to Your authority.

Living for Him = obedience

It has been a long week or so, fighting off a sinus infection.

I am still not up to full speed, after a week on anti-biotic.  I still feel stuffy, though not as bad as I was last weekend.

This morning I had to lead worship.
Now that I'm done leading, I'm exhausted.

Wednesday's rehearsal went relatively well.  At least everyone else probably thought so.  However halfway through the rehearsal found me nearly in tears.  I had not been into work until noon, because I knew I had to stay late for rehearsal.  I was exhausted, and I still wasn't feeling the best.

I made it to rehearsal, but was having a hard time hearing, because my head was so plugged up.  It didn't help that we were introducing a new song that I had sung only a few times, with people who knew it.  None of them were with me that night, and I was having a hard time with the rhythm.  Between the piano player and the drum player, I was hearing two different things.

I was so close to tears that I had to move the rehearsal along to the next songs because I couldn't do any more.

This morning every single song went really well in the rehearsal.  When we were done with rehearsal, I knew that I was going to be closing the set right before communion with prayer.  So I looked up a few scriptures to use to pray through/with and did a quick photo copy of the pages to blow up the size a bit.

We did our opening set, I opened in prayer and turned it over our pastor.

When our pastor started his sermon, I kind of felt like God was pressing on me the words of the song.  THE song.  The one I had been struggling with the rhythms in rehearsal.  I felt like He was asking me to really think about them. 

"We bow our hearts,
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit, come make us humble."

And then our pastor started talking about partnering with God (through prayer), being devoted to the mission (doing what He told us to do in prayer - being obedient) and then keeping Christ central.

As he spoke, I felt the Spirit speaking to me.... I started praying and Pastor Kim's words just started sinking into my spirit.  God really used that time of the sermon to get to me.  To get me to humble myself, seek some forgiveness, and ask God what He wanted me to do.

I felt like I had to share something about this new song with the congregation before they learned it.

So I got up there without any other plans than to open my mouth and let God speak.  I really didn't know what to say.  I'm still not sure what all I did say.

When I got up front and got the mic, I asked our sound tech to put the words up for the song.  I shared that we were going to be doing a new song, but before they concentrated on learning a song, I wanted them to really pay attention to the words, so that if they couldn't engage in the singing, they could engage with their hearts and minds with the words.

I read through all the words of the song, and said that if we were going to be God's people, really seeking His face, really seeking to do His will and obey Him, we needed to humble ourselves before Him.  We need to tear down our idols and focus our hearts and mind on Him, worshiping no one and no other thing.

My heart, and words just came out, that I don't remember.  But I invited them, as we started the song to stand, sit or kneel as they fell led, and to truly humble themselves.

It took all I had to keep from crying.  I had to stop a few times because I started to choke up.  I coudn't tell God no - well I could have.  I could have not said a word.  I could have just said that we were introducing a new song, and to stand and join in as they learned it. 

But God wanted more.

I can't ask Him to speak to me, then ignore something He says cause it's uncomfortable to do - and then walk away and ask Him to speak to me in some other area, when I haven't obeyed Him in the first area.  That was something Pastor Kim said today.

He said, "God cannot work through disobedient servants."

It was a moment for me this morning when I knew that I did exactly what God really wanted me to do and didn't shrink from it.  I kept seeking Him the whole time, to make sure that there was nothing of "me" in it. 

I think that if the real desire of my heart is to live for Him, I really have to start doing it.  There are so many other things that I am fighting with, things where I am resisting Him in.  But if I keep on resisting Him, how really am I living for Him?  I am living for myself, just saying I'm living for Him, but not fully.  Not totally sold out.  Only living for Him when it's convenient for me.



I don't know what is going to come of it.  If I will be able to follow through in other areas in my life.  But I just know that He is changing me - working in me yet again.

I have counseling tomorrow afternoon, in the middle of my work day.  When I am done, I have to return to work out the rest of the day.  I don't know for sure what we will work through, that is in God's hands and not something I should really try to control.

There have been so many things that have gone down this past week to 10 days, that I don't know where to start with her, much less here on my blog!  And there is still stuff from the past that isn't resolved either!

But, even with all that - the words of this song, "Give Us Clean Hands," still haunt me even now.

Below is a video from You Tube that is the closest to how we did it that I can find at the moment.  It has all the words right along with it, so you can read along.

God did something this morning, in my heart, that I am still trying to figure out.  The feelings of repentance, humbling of self, seeking God to give me clean hands and a pure heart, tearing down idols.... I don't know where it is leading.  But I know that God did something, and is continuing to.  I am praying that He won't let me dismiss it, or stop following Him, stop obeying Him where He wants me to.

God's fingerprints...

It has been such a long weekend.  Our Annual Celebration at our church went really well.  People had a wonderful time at our "Mexican Fiesta" themed evening. 

We had a taco bar, a quiz about Mexico, mexican cheesecake, a pinata for the kids, and the "Year in Review" slide show DVD.  We had a lower turn out than expected, but it was a warm cozy atmosphere.

When I woke up yesterday, I knew I was in trouble though.  I had been feeling better the last couple of days, though still sick, but had a difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights.  When I woke, I felt much worse.  But with all the things I had to do, I knew that I wasn't going to have time to go to the walk-in clinic until this afternoon, after church.

So, I dosed up on medicine and went through my day yesterday, and this morning.  When I got up this morning, I found myself very dizzy and it was difficult to get myself moving.  I ended up making it through church and our annual business meeting.  After the business meeting, I was able to talk briefly to my friend, Cindy.

After talking to me, Cindy nearly pushed me out the door of the church to go to the walk-in.  I was right.  I was running a low grade fever, and have a sinus infection.  So, I got my meds, picked up my son from the grandparents farm, and he and I watched a movie and rested on the couch together this afternoon and evening.

But, a God thing happened today, that I need to share.

Here I am, at the tail end of a busy weekend, and I can see all that God did this weekend to make it all happen... even giving me a bit of quiet time alone at the church yesterday in a lull between things.

Something big happened this morning though.  As I was getting ready for church, the name of someone I know popped into my head.  I have been praying for her for a while now, but with this whole weekend, though I had thought about her, there had been no specific prayers.  But this morning, I just started praying around 8am or so, maybe a bit earlier, for her.  I remember specifically asking God to keep her safe, and to help her know that He is with her, for some specific healing that she is needing, among other things.  I also remember saying to God that I really didn't know what else to pray for her, but that He did, He knew what she needed, so to just work in her life.

I got to church, we started the service, and opening with some worship.  After that we had announcements and then Pastor Kim got up to share with us some prayer requests and lead us in a prayer time.  When he got up there, he shared with us that someone at church had gotten a call from this woman I had prayed for.  She was in the ER, having flipped her truck three times, totaling it.

We immediately spent time praying for her.  I later was able to connect with one of this gals friends, who told me that the accident had probably happened right around the time I was praying.

Praise God she is all right.  A friend told me she has some cuts on her hands, and cut the back of her head, but because she had her seatbelt on, she didn't get thrown from the truck.  All the windows were shattered, and I guess she actually climbed out of one of the windows just as the EMT's got there.  She hit a patch of black ice as she was driving, and that was it.

I haven't seen her, probably won't be able to, but am so grateful to know that she is all right, and that she is with friends who are going to be checking on her throughout the night in case of a concussion.  She is the single mom of a young man.  I can't imagine how he's reacting right now, knowing what happened.  One of my friends said that there is not one straight piece of metal on that truck, that it is a miracle that she survived this accident.

God orchestrated when I would be praying.  He orchestrated that no other cars would be involved.  He made sure she was buckled in, and that the EMTs arrived when they did.  God also orchestrated our church body to help her.  One friend drove two others to her at the hospital, and then got someone to go find her truck and get her things out of it.  One of the gals at the hospital with her was able to go to her house and get her some necessary things for the night.  Another friend is taking her and her son in for the night so she isn't alone and her son doesn't have to take on a burden of caring for her.

God's hand was in all of it, and I am so grateful for the glimpse I got today of how He works, and how He works through us, His body, when we are all functioning as one, when we are listening actively to Him, ready and willing to do what He says.  I am thrilled by how He let me see His fingerprints all over it.

Laying low

Yesterday and today I have been doing my best to lay low.

You see, I got the creeping crud that has been taking everyone else out.  And, when mommy's sick, daddy's working, kids are in school, it's one thing - I was able to get some rest on Thursday, but yesterday and today, everyone has pretty much been home, and I have been "on call," as it were.

There is also another complication.  Our church administrator (me) asked our resident computer/slide show guru (my husband) to put together a "Year in Review" slide show - utilizing pictures taken through the whole year of 2010 that she had collected.  Running a bit (ok, a little more than a bit) behind schedule, she handed him over 18 GB worth of photos and videos.

Oh, not only that many photos and videos, but also a digital video camera with footage from a baptism we held in August.  With the video still on the tape, not in the computer.

My guru is currently working on figuring out how to pull the video off the tape/camera and put it on his computer.  He's arguing with the camera, till he found a output connection he needed, now he's mumbling and arguing with the computer and software issues trying to get this off.

He wouldn't be working on this so hard if the administrator (me) had remember to bring our still camera to the baptism to get photos of all 8 or 9 that were baptized at the same time.  This was one of the first times in a long time we did a baptism, especially in the summer, inside our church.  But we put it right in the service because these folks, their testimonies are so powerful, we really wanted their stories and their baptisms to be the sermon.  It was a powerful service, and extremely moving for our church body to see first hand God working in these folks lives.  And what a celebration we had!

So, all that to say, we really want bits of this video imbedded in the slide show.

The complication is added to when it was realized that my dear, sweet husband works next weekend, and the slide show needs to be ready to go for me on Saturday morning.  He has this weekend to put it together.  And a few evenings and a day or so this coming week.

Needless to say, I have had to be up and "with it" to keep the kids occupied.  I had no idea what to do today, but Angela's family was staying at a hotel in town, with a pool, and invited me and the kids to come play with them.  So, off we went.  I was exhausted before I even got up this morning, so getting them there was a challenge, but once they were there, and acclimated to the water, I could settle in, and finally was able to relax in the hot tub for a bit.  Literally for two kids who can't swim, they got used to that pool fast and had a blast.

That took care of the middle of the day... they got home and crashed out on the couch and played quietly.  I was able to flop on the bed for a bit while daddy took care of supper, as he was at a pause in his work.  Then I crashed with them on the couch, watched a bit of tv and helped get them into bed.

I am heading to bed soon, cause I am still feeling cruddy (not as bad as this morning, but if it takes me this long to get going tomorrow, I'm gonna be in trouble getting us out of the door to church!).

In the process of laying low, I have been reading and writing in my journal, but not many of my thoughts are clear, so I haven't wanted to share a lot here.  I have been so emotional through last week, and last weekend, that now it feels like everything has numbed out.  I know that may not necessarily be true, it may be the cold working against that, and God helping me get through a couple of very busy, tough weeks.... weeks that can't be easily navigated with emotions ranging all over.

That being said, I talked with a friend on Wednesday.  We chatted for a while, and it helped me, though it was a bit painful, to realize that I have been pulling in on myself the blame and shame for several different things that have happened in the past.  I have been taking on the other person's responsibilities.  Not just in recent days, but I am realizing it is applying more and more to the relationship I am working through with Tricia.

I spent some time after our conversation in the sanctuary, in tears.  I just have been so tired.  With little sleep, and little food.... well, that doesn't help the emotions, much less the body in fighting off a cold.

So, though I have done little writing here recently, God is working in me and on me.  He's writing on my heart some of the things that I need to remember.  There are just too many to put to word here.  I am still trying to figure out what they all are.  Then I need to somehow get myself off the old paths, old grooves in my thoughts and get into new ones... make new paths based on the Truth, not the lies of the past.

Laying low is what I am doing.  Keeping my head down and trying to get through what I have to.  At the same time, God is still working on me... sometimes that's the best time for Him to get close enough for me to hear His whispers... when I'm laying low and have cut out the "fluff" of life that overtakes me so many times.  When I get down to bare bones living, doing the bare minimum, those are the times when I am ready to listen.  Just praying I remember what I have heard during this time.

Now, as I am nearly dozing as I try to write any more - I am off to try to get some better sleep than I did last night.

(Oh, and as of yet, my guru husband can't get the video off this camera.  First the software he was downloading wasn't compatible with Windows 7, so he moved to a Windows XP machine.  As of now, he has said that unless something happens, there is no way for him to pull off the video.  He doesn't have the drivers and software needed for the video camera, and its so old, Sony doesn't even have the drivers on line.  Unless the owners of the camera happen to have their software disks for their camera, and are actually able to find time.... no pictures or videos of the baptism.... my husband is very disgusted at the moment....)

Themes coming back....

I remember writing back several posts ago how I felt that God was giving me the theme of faith and hope.

Interestingly, the bible study that I picked to do as our women's study is Beth Moore's Believing God.  All about having a forward moving, active faith.

At the same time, I signed on to do the 1st and 15th Siesta Scripture Memory Team.  On Beth Moore's blog, she has challenged as many of us who will take her up on it, to work on memorizing two bible verses a month, picking a new one every 1st and 15th of the month.

I had picked Hebrews 10:22 for my first one, which talked about drawing near to God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith.  All about faith.

Well, as things have gone on the past week or so, finding myself really at a low point, lower than I have been in a long while, I talked to God about it this morning.

Thursday had been an emotionally difficult day.  I had a 90 minute session with Tricia.  We started working through a lot of the relationship with this guy back in college.  It was very difficult to have read my "no send" letter to her the previous week, but it was even harder to feel like I was living it all over again.  Tricia guided me through things, but by the time I was done, I was really done.  Emotionally I felt like I had been through a wringer, and physically too, I had nothing left.

I have been having trouble eating, because when my emotions are all over the place and in knots, so is my stomach, and I have been eating very little.  I also have been sleeping very little.  So at the end of the session Tricia had me think about the place where I felt safe.  And as I thought about it, I felt like God was holding me and I told Him I just couldn't keep on going or take another step.  It felt to me like he was saying, "It's ok, I'll take it for you."  I had a sense of rest in my exhaustion.

As Tricia realized just how exhausted I was, she asked if I had some time to myself before the kids came home.  I told her I did, and she encouraged me to go home and take a nap.  I said I was just plain tired and wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide.  She said she was ok with that, as long as it would get me some sleep.  So, I left her office, went down the hall and was even too exhausted to cry in the bathroom.  I got in my car, talked to Cindy for a few moments and headed home.

I slept.  I actually slept.  I called Cindy when I got home cause my mind was racing like crazy.  She prayed for me, asking for God's peace and protection among other things, and it was like a switch was flipped.  She said she would continue to pray when we got off the phone, and I hung up and was asleep within seconds.

Then yesterday morning I had a wonderful time at the local coffee shop.  I was able to do some good studying of the bible, working through a bit of my Believing God study (I am starting to work ahead of the other ladies so I can be prepared, and will go back and review each week as we go).  I also had the privilege of my daughter falling asleep on me there for a while.  She snuggled in and I was able to keep on writing and studying and reading as she slept.

But I had a rough afternoon.  Just got side-swiped by some things.  I knew something like this was coming, but it still surprised me with the intensity of my emotional reaction to them.  I was really in the pits last night and it wasn't pretty.  My poor husband had no idea what to do with me.  That's ok, neither did I.

That brings me back to this morning.  I took off to run some errands and stopped at the coffee shop for a hazelnut breve, and settled in with my bible study.  I just needed a break to kind of recover and regroup from yesterday.  Before I started though, I talked to God about my week.  I told Him I really needed a shot of hope because I didn't see any.  I was looking around in Romans, and decided to flip back to Hebrews 10 to read the context around my previous verse (22).  When I did I saw verse 23 and knew that was the one for me this time.

Get this one:

"Without wavering let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise."

Hebrews 10:23 New Living Translation

I mean, really?  There is a God thing for sure.  He answered my prayer for a verse on hope within a few moments of me asking Him.  I saw answered prayer.  That in itself is a shot of hope.

I have to hold tightly to the hope I say I have.  I need to see God's promises to me.  I have to otherwise I am going to go crazy.  I don't say that lightly.  I need the hope or I sink into despair.  But there are some days I don't have the strength to hold onto the hope.  This week has been full of them, yet somehow I keep on moving forward.  I don't know how.  It's only God.

I need to cling to the hope that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals.  That He will bring healing into my life - continue what He has started in my life - and continue what He has started in the lives of those around me who are hurting so badly.  I have to cling to the promises that I am loved, redeemed, secure, chosen, significant, accepted, precious, honored, a treasure, pure.  I need to find bible verses on those and start choosing to read, pray through and meditate on those every time the lies come in, and the pain floods my heart, and the thoughts and worries overtake me.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow and not.  I am looking forward to worshiping with others, though I have a feeling there will be tears in the process.  I am looking forward to seeing Cindy and Sandy and some of my other friends there.  But there are reasons that it is going to be painful in the going.  Things that are reminders.  Reminders of things I am going to have to grieve the loss of, though there is hope of restoration.  (See another area of loss that I need to see hope in.)

My anxiety level is high.
My capacity to withstand any more "blows" is very low.
My fear of the unknown is high.

In the face of all that I need to hold tightly to the hope I say I have WITHOUT WAVERING because God can be trusted to keep His promises!

Oh Lord, help me.  I believe, but please help me overcome my unbelief!!  Strengthen me and sustain me for I am so weak.  Help me to relax in your hands and cling to You who are the hope we all are looking for.

Letting go... surrender

How do I write out what's in my heart when I don't know what's there?

How do I try to express myself, when I feel numb?

How do I take care of myself the way I am supposed to?

I don't want to eat.

I'm afraid to sleep cause of the bad dreams.

My stomach flips and flops at the thought of food.

I struggle with having to take the meds I need.

I don't want to take them.

Obviously I am not doing well today.

I actually am better than yesterday.  Sunday evening I cried till I was nearly sick.  Then calmed down a bit and did some writing in my journal. Then cried myself to sleep.

Yesterday I got to work, sat in the sanctuary for a bit and tried to pray, and just sobbed some more.

Today.  No tears.  Nothing.  I feel flat.  Maybe that is a good thing.

I have to go see Tricia on Thursday afternoon for my appointment with her.  I just am, well scared to go I guess.  Because I don't want to face the junk that is there from that letter I wrote.

I keep on reading today things that talk about how only God can fill our empty places.  How we need to let go of control of things, because God has it all already.  How it's through the hardest times that the most worthwhile things come.

I know all that in my head.  My heart doesn't get it.  Maybe I do believe that God should punish me for all that I did wrong.  I think I do believe that I deserved what I got, and that I don't deserve any better.

I should get mad at the enemy for using something so awful like that to affect me for so long.  But in reality, all I have been able to do is get mad at myself and beat myself up more. 

A friend asked me, what am I running from?  Why am I trying to sabotage myself by not doing my part in caring for myself until my appointment?  She said that maybe that would be something to focus on until the appointment rather than what is coming.

The problem with that is, I think I am running from God because I know He is going to "make" me face what I don't want to.  (Not that He will force me to, but once I get into Tricia's office, I know I am going to go ahead with it, because that's who I am and how I'm wired)  I don't want to face the lies... because seeing the truth up next to them is so extremely painful.

How can the truth be so painful?
Or is that just a perspective thing?
Probably the lie is what is so painful, and the enemy is twisting it to make me think the truth is the painful one.... I don't know.

Why am I sabotaging myself?  I don't know for sure.  Maybe as a backhanded way of punishing myself for my part in the relationship?  Maybe I am listening to the lies too much - the lies that are shouting in my head that I'm not worth it, not worth anything.  That I'm just a piece of junk, and that I don't deserve my husband and my kids and don't deserve to be happy.

I know that those are lies, but I can't seem to get myself beyond them.  In Deuteronomy 7:6 (I'm going to personalize it and paraphrase it) It says that God chose me to be His.  To be his treasured possession.  I keep on bumping into that scripture everywhere I turn in the last week.

I read it, and it jars something in me.  It goes contrary to everything I'm feeling and thinking.  I know its the truth.  So I suppose it's bumping up against the lies that are perpetuating my feelings and thoughts.

When I'm where I am at right now (and I've been here before) I feel like all my strength is gone.  Which means the only way I am going to be able to move forward is if God takes the steps for me.  Because I sure can't right now.

No.  I am not saying I want to die.  I am not down that far yet (I don't think) but I sure would love to curl up somewhere and not have to deal with anything or anyone for a good long time.

Isolation

Insulation

Neither are very good for me right now.  But it's where I'm at.

Also, its hard right now because a good friend, who's been a good source of encouragement, and also someone I have been able to help and encourage too, needs a bit of space.  Oh how the enemy tries to use our weaknesses against us, and give things a stir!

This time, I think God may have given things a stir instead, before the enemy could.  I think it is protection.  That's what I had been praying for in our friendship.  Protection and God's will.  Now I am praying it is His protection and that our friendship will endure.

I don't know what the next few weeks are going to look like.  How do I respond?  How much, or when, can I call, or email her?  I know she needs her space to deal with some major stuff she is going through.  But I hate the unknown.  I want to know what it's going to look like in the next few weeks.  How uncomfortable are we going to be with one another?  How do I know when it's ok to call and see how she's doing and make sure she's safe?

I know God's got it.  I know that He love me.  He loves her.  So I know that He has it all under control.  I'm just trying to let go.

Let go.

Of another thing.

Right now, all I feel I can control is my eating, meds, my sleeping... and even that stuff I can't completely control.

Because God is asking me to let go of that stuff too.  To let go and let Him work.  I need to surrender to His will, His way, His timing.  When I try to rush things or slow things down, I know I make things worse.  It's a proven pattern if I look back at my history.

I know I will eventually cave in to what God wants.  I will do what He is asking me to, because everything is going to be pretty miserable if I don't.

So the struggle continues.  My will or His?  My way or His?  My "truth" or His?

Am I going to finally learn to let go and stop fighting Him?  How long does it have to take before I finally stop beating my head against brick walls?!

I guess it's one situation at a time.  I am going to need to try to figure out how the heck to let go and surrender.  Let go of this friendship, stop worrying about her and how she is doing and let God protect and care for her.  Surrender the friendship to God and pray for her rather than worry about her.  Praying is active.  Worry just eats me alive.  I am going to have to let go and surrender to let God heal me too.  I need to stop fighting the healing process.

I guess that is what I am doing right now.  I ask God to change me and show me and lead me and guide me to His next for me.  Then the feelings of being out of control wash over me as change comes, and I start digging in my heels.  I want to cling to what I know.... even if it's not good for me.

I have to let go.

Believe the truth.

Let go of the lies.

Trust my God.

Turn and face the pain.

The only way out of the pain is to face it.

Face it?  Yeah.  About that.  Don't want to.  It hurts bad enough as it is.  But God wants me to let go of the hurt.  He wants me to let Him take my fingers off it, bit by bit, let Him see it, wash it out and heal it.  The longer I hang onto it, the worse the scar will be in the end.

The pain is nearly unbearable as I lay myself out on the alter.  I know.  I have done it before.  God doesn't demand me to, He just asks in a gentle whisper if I trust Him enough to let go.

Let go and let Him.

Right now I see nothing but brick walls.  Walls that I had started to take down in trust, that I am throwing back up as quick as I can.  Walls that have been there for years, concealing fearful things I refused to look at.  Walls that God is wanting to take down a piece at a time to redeem the things behind them.  Walls covering wounds.  Walls that I keep beating my head against, getting nowhere at all.

Thursday - I have to let go of my control and let God take those walls down.  If I don't, I am not going to be able to breathe freely.

I'm scared.
I'm hurting.
I'm in such pain, it almost doesn't hurt to hurt myself more.

Does that make sense?

God, help me let go.  Help me see the hope on the other side of this mess.  Help me see You for who You really are.  Help me believe you.  Not just IN you, but believe you.  Believe that I am who you say I am and You are who you say you are, and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I don't feel strong.  I feel weak and broken and out of control.  Help me somehow start to do something right for myself... to treat myself as Your treasure... even if I don't feel I am.  Help me to start taking care of myself so that I have the strength to face the things you want me to on Thursday afternoon.  Help me surrender.

truth meeting lies...

I wrote so much last week, having to write that "no send" letter, that I was out of a lot of words, once I wrote about it here last Wednesday.  Now here it is a week later, and a new year, and I find I haven't written at all.

Weird, because writing is such an outlet for me.  I have journaled some, but coming off of such a counseling session on Monday, I am exhausted.

I didn't sleep well over the weekend.  I dealt with a lot of anxiety (still am) and got maybe 4 hours of sleep, max for 3 nights running.  Last night, finally, I slept nearly 7 hours.  I am still exhausted, but feel like I have to keep going to fulfill commitments made.

I am hoping I can get all my work done around the house tonight to be able to rest and not have my mind run away from me.

Monday's session was grueling with Tricia.  Before I went in, I was able to talk with a friend, who gave me a hug and encouraged me to keep on doing what I had to.

I had an hour and a half session.  We talked a little bit at the beginning and I was able to tell her about my Christmas and my father, and everything that had happened.  Then she asked how everything else was, and I shared that I had written the letter.  I shared how hard it was, and how much it took out of me.

She asked if I was willing to read it.  I said that I needed to.  She asked permission to interrupt me if she had questions, and I gave it to her, and then started reading.

Halfway through she interrupted me for only about the 2nd or 3rd time, and asked how much more I had to read.  I told her half, and then she realized we had a 90 minute appointment, not 60 so we were good to go.  When I finished the letter, I was able to sit back, but had a hard time looking her in the eyes, or even in her direction.

She told me, confirmed what I had been thinking in the back of my head I guess, that this really was an abusive relationship, in many aspects, and contained a lot of sexual assault that I had describe in my letter.  That's why it was so painful to write, and nearly impossible to read.  That's why I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest before I even entered her office.

For the last 20 minutes of my appointment or so, we talked through some things, but she didn't want to dig too deep because she didn't want to take me to a place that I wasn't safe, and just wanted to really be able to dig into that the next time.

Next week Thursday I have another 90 minute appointment to really start to work through the relationship and pain and anger that is so contained in there.  In the meantime Tricia wants me to think through these three things:

1. What was the worst thing about this (relationship) -- a portion?  The whole thing?
2. What is the negative cognition, what is the lie or lies I am believing because of it?
3. What is the positive cognition, what do I want to believe about myself (the truth) even though this happened?

These I have to come up with between now and then, as it will really not only help me process now, but will shorten the preparation time in our session.  Then we will have more time to do the actual therapy.

I have the letter still in my bag, cause I can't bear to look at it, but am carrying it around with me so I know where it is, and no one else will read it.  I don't know what to do with it yet, or if I am ready to do anything with it yet.  I probably will burn it or something like that.  I do need to get rid of it, but I guess I'm not ready yet.

My emotions have shut down pretty much, and I feel like they are on auto pilot.  I walked with a friend through some pretty tough stuff in the last day or two, so that has distracted me as well.  It helps to focus on someone else for a bit, rather than myself.  It helps me to not feel like I'm drowning in my own "stuff."

One of my friends gave me a "safe place" to go after my session so that I didn't have to go home and deal with children right away, but could have some time to regroup so I didn't come unglued when I had to deal with their demands.

We sat and talked or were quiet as either of us needed.  I was actually able to doze off for a while and rest, when I finally warmed up enough.  We sat and cried together as we shared our stuff with each other, as we felt led and just rested.  When I finally left, I felt like I was in a safer place emotionally than I had been when I got there.  Though I was still exhausted, I at least was able to function and not feel like I was going to lose it with some unsuspecting person.

Now that I am able to get work done and finish up my week at work at least, I am finding myself struggling with wanting to run away from God, from everything, right now, and trying to find somewhere where it is safe for me to just collapse and be me.

I am so grateful for the miracle God performed in a friend's life last night.  She was struggling SO much the past week, and was terrified by some things that had happened the night before, and last night, she slept in peace, for the longest she has in a long time.  That was a miracle in itself, then I got to see her today, and just the change in her countenance that was so apparent was a miracle as well.

So, I am praising God for that, which is drawing me closer to Him.  But I am pushing away from the emotions that I have buried. Pushing away from the things that I know are true. The truth is fighting against the lies that are flying through my head and in my face that are probably rooted in this relationship I am trying to work through.

How can I feel compelled to run and feel myself being drawn at the same time?  Both of them against each other feels like it is pulling me to a complete standstill.  I know that the strength of that which is drawing me and wooing me is much stronger than that which is pushing me and compelling me to run.  But which do I choose?  Moment to moment it seems to swing.

I want time away with God tonight, but there are many things to be done before people come over tomorrow night.  I have less time tomorrow to do things than I had originally planned.  All these things threaten to keep me busy and too occupied to really focus on God or what I know He wants for me.

All I want to do is stop feeling and thinking.  All God wants me to do is allow Him into these so very painful, wounded, abused areas.  I am afraid to open them up.  I don't want to.  I know the hurt of having wounds cleansed.  I know the healing on the other side too.  But I am resisting the cleaning process because of the pain involved.

I was told to care for myself this week.  I was told to treat myself gently.  i found a verse in Deuteronomy 7:6 that a friend picked for her 1st scripture memory verse for the year - and it spoke to me and hurt me at the same time.

"For you are a holy people, who belong to the Lord your God.  Of all the people on earth, the Lord you God has chosen you to be his own special treasure" (NLT)

Chosen to be His own special treasure?  That means I am to treasure myself the way He treasures me.  In spite of what happened.  Really?

And this is where the lies are fighting the truth.  This is where my actions actually back up what I am believing.  Because I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to treat myself gently, I don't want to take my meds.  The only thing that is making me do some of these things, some of the time is that I have one or two people who know what is going on who are asking me if I have done what I should, or at least expect me to tell them if I have or haven't.

I am better today than I was last week Wednesday after finishing writing the letter.
I am better than I was when I first realized how bad these memories were.
I am better than a few years ago when I first started counseling with Tricia.

I am trying to cling to hope and to have faith.
Where the truth meets the lies and the rubber really hits the road is where I am having some problems.  That's where the impulse to run away comes and I want to flee.  From everyone and everything.

faith AND hope - theme for a new year...

I think God has made it clear to me that I have a theme for this coming year.

Wednesday I talked in my post about hope, and how God seemed to impress it upon my heart.

All day yesterday and today, God rather "hit me over the head" to make sure this thick brain would get it, that I needed to focus on faith and hope (It might end up being faith, hope and love.... but right now, faith and hope are the ones that I really feel like God speaking to me about)

I love Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

But I really like how the New Living Translation says it.
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

I was reading between different blogs, and all of them were pointing towards faith and hope.

I think that this verse from Hebrews is going to be my anchor verse for 2011.  I am going to have it in the front of my scripture memory spiral, and make sure I keep on hanging on to it throughout the year.

Do you find God leading you to a theme for this new year, or any specific bible verses?  If so, I would love to hear yours.