It has been such a long weekend. Our Annual Celebration at our church went really well. People had a wonderful time at our "Mexican Fiesta" themed evening.
We had a taco bar, a quiz about Mexico, mexican cheesecake, a pinata for the kids, and the "Year in Review" slide show DVD. We had a lower turn out than expected, but it was a warm cozy atmosphere.
When I woke up yesterday, I knew I was in trouble though. I had been feeling better the last couple of days, though still sick, but had a difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights. When I woke, I felt much worse. But with all the things I had to do, I knew that I wasn't going to have time to go to the walk-in clinic until this afternoon, after church.
So, I dosed up on medicine and went through my day yesterday, and this morning. When I got up this morning, I found myself very dizzy and it was difficult to get myself moving. I ended up making it through church and our annual business meeting. After the business meeting, I was able to talk briefly to my friend, Cindy.
After talking to me, Cindy nearly pushed me out the door of the church to go to the walk-in. I was right. I was running a low grade fever, and have a sinus infection. So, I got my meds, picked up my son from the grandparents farm, and he and I watched a movie and rested on the couch together this afternoon and evening.
But, a God thing happened today, that I need to share.
Here I am, at the tail end of a busy weekend, and I can see all that God did this weekend to make it all happen... even giving me a bit of quiet time alone at the church yesterday in a lull between things.
Something big happened this morning though. As I was getting ready for church, the name of someone I know popped into my head. I have been praying for her for a while now, but with this whole weekend, though I had thought about her, there had been no specific prayers. But this morning, I just started praying around 8am or so, maybe a bit earlier, for her. I remember specifically asking God to keep her safe, and to help her know that He is with her, for some specific healing that she is needing, among other things. I also remember saying to God that I really didn't know what else to pray for her, but that He did, He knew what she needed, so to just work in her life.
I got to church, we started the service, and opening with some worship. After that we had announcements and then Pastor Kim got up to share with us some prayer requests and lead us in a prayer time. When he got up there, he shared with us that someone at church had gotten a call from this woman I had prayed for. She was in the ER, having flipped her truck three times, totaling it.
We immediately spent time praying for her. I later was able to connect with one of this gals friends, who told me that the accident had probably happened right around the time I was praying.
Praise God she is all right. A friend told me she has some cuts on her hands, and cut the back of her head, but because she had her seatbelt on, she didn't get thrown from the truck. All the windows were shattered, and I guess she actually climbed out of one of the windows just as the EMT's got there. She hit a patch of black ice as she was driving, and that was it.
I haven't seen her, probably won't be able to, but am so grateful to know that she is all right, and that she is with friends who are going to be checking on her throughout the night in case of a concussion. She is the single mom of a young man. I can't imagine how he's reacting right now, knowing what happened. One of my friends said that there is not one straight piece of metal on that truck, that it is a miracle that she survived this accident.
God orchestrated when I would be praying. He orchestrated that no other cars would be involved. He made sure she was buckled in, and that the EMTs arrived when they did. God also orchestrated our church body to help her. One friend drove two others to her at the hospital, and then got someone to go find her truck and get her things out of it. One of the gals at the hospital with her was able to go to her house and get her some necessary things for the night. Another friend is taking her and her son in for the night so she isn't alone and her son doesn't have to take on a burden of caring for her.
God's hand was in all of it, and I am so grateful for the glimpse I got today of how He works, and how He works through us, His body, when we are all functioning as one, when we are listening actively to Him, ready and willing to do what He says. I am thrilled by how He let me see His fingerprints all over it.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Laying low
Yesterday and today I have been doing my best to lay low.
You see, I got the creeping crud that has been taking everyone else out. And, when mommy's sick, daddy's working, kids are in school, it's one thing - I was able to get some rest on Thursday, but yesterday and today, everyone has pretty much been home, and I have been "on call," as it were.
There is also another complication. Our church administrator (me) asked our resident computer/slide show guru (my husband) to put together a "Year in Review" slide show - utilizing pictures taken through the whole year of 2010 that she had collected. Running a bit (ok, a little more than a bit) behind schedule, she handed him over 18 GB worth of photos and videos.
Oh, not only that many photos and videos, but also a digital video camera with footage from a baptism we held in August. With the video still on the tape, not in the computer.
My guru is currently working on figuring out how to pull the video off the tape/camera and put it on his computer. He's arguing with the camera, till he found a output connection he needed, now he's mumbling and arguing with the computer and software issues trying to get this off.
He wouldn't be working on this so hard if the administrator (me) had remember to bring our still camera to the baptism to get photos of all 8 or 9 that were baptized at the same time. This was one of the first times in a long time we did a baptism, especially in the summer, inside our church. But we put it right in the service because these folks, their testimonies are so powerful, we really wanted their stories and their baptisms to be the sermon. It was a powerful service, and extremely moving for our church body to see first hand God working in these folks lives. And what a celebration we had!
So, all that to say, we really want bits of this video imbedded in the slide show.
The complication is added to when it was realized that my dear, sweet husband works next weekend, and the slide show needs to be ready to go for me on Saturday morning. He has this weekend to put it together. And a few evenings and a day or so this coming week.
Needless to say, I have had to be up and "with it" to keep the kids occupied. I had no idea what to do today, but Angela's family was staying at a hotel in town, with a pool, and invited me and the kids to come play with them. So, off we went. I was exhausted before I even got up this morning, so getting them there was a challenge, but once they were there, and acclimated to the water, I could settle in, and finally was able to relax in the hot tub for a bit. Literally for two kids who can't swim, they got used to that pool fast and had a blast.
That took care of the middle of the day... they got home and crashed out on the couch and played quietly. I was able to flop on the bed for a bit while daddy took care of supper, as he was at a pause in his work. Then I crashed with them on the couch, watched a bit of tv and helped get them into bed.
I am heading to bed soon, cause I am still feeling cruddy (not as bad as this morning, but if it takes me this long to get going tomorrow, I'm gonna be in trouble getting us out of the door to church!).
In the process of laying low, I have been reading and writing in my journal, but not many of my thoughts are clear, so I haven't wanted to share a lot here. I have been so emotional through last week, and last weekend, that now it feels like everything has numbed out. I know that may not necessarily be true, it may be the cold working against that, and God helping me get through a couple of very busy, tough weeks.... weeks that can't be easily navigated with emotions ranging all over.
That being said, I talked with a friend on Wednesday. We chatted for a while, and it helped me, though it was a bit painful, to realize that I have been pulling in on myself the blame and shame for several different things that have happened in the past. I have been taking on the other person's responsibilities. Not just in recent days, but I am realizing it is applying more and more to the relationship I am working through with Tricia.
I spent some time after our conversation in the sanctuary, in tears. I just have been so tired. With little sleep, and little food.... well, that doesn't help the emotions, much less the body in fighting off a cold.
So, though I have done little writing here recently, God is working in me and on me. He's writing on my heart some of the things that I need to remember. There are just too many to put to word here. I am still trying to figure out what they all are. Then I need to somehow get myself off the old paths, old grooves in my thoughts and get into new ones... make new paths based on the Truth, not the lies of the past.
Laying low is what I am doing. Keeping my head down and trying to get through what I have to. At the same time, God is still working on me... sometimes that's the best time for Him to get close enough for me to hear His whispers... when I'm laying low and have cut out the "fluff" of life that overtakes me so many times. When I get down to bare bones living, doing the bare minimum, those are the times when I am ready to listen. Just praying I remember what I have heard during this time.
Now, as I am nearly dozing as I try to write any more - I am off to try to get some better sleep than I did last night.
(Oh, and as of yet, my guru husband can't get the video off this camera. First the software he was downloading wasn't compatible with Windows 7, so he moved to a Windows XP machine. As of now, he has said that unless something happens, there is no way for him to pull off the video. He doesn't have the drivers and software needed for the video camera, and its so old, Sony doesn't even have the drivers on line. Unless the owners of the camera happen to have their software disks for their camera, and are actually able to find time.... no pictures or videos of the baptism.... my husband is very disgusted at the moment....)
You see, I got the creeping crud that has been taking everyone else out. And, when mommy's sick, daddy's working, kids are in school, it's one thing - I was able to get some rest on Thursday, but yesterday and today, everyone has pretty much been home, and I have been "on call," as it were.
There is also another complication. Our church administrator (me) asked our resident computer/slide show guru (my husband) to put together a "Year in Review" slide show - utilizing pictures taken through the whole year of 2010 that she had collected. Running a bit (ok, a little more than a bit) behind schedule, she handed him over 18 GB worth of photos and videos.
Oh, not only that many photos and videos, but also a digital video camera with footage from a baptism we held in August. With the video still on the tape, not in the computer.
My guru is currently working on figuring out how to pull the video off the tape/camera and put it on his computer. He's arguing with the camera, till he found a output connection he needed, now he's mumbling and arguing with the computer and software issues trying to get this off.
He wouldn't be working on this so hard if the administrator (me) had remember to bring our still camera to the baptism to get photos of all 8 or 9 that were baptized at the same time. This was one of the first times in a long time we did a baptism, especially in the summer, inside our church. But we put it right in the service because these folks, their testimonies are so powerful, we really wanted their stories and their baptisms to be the sermon. It was a powerful service, and extremely moving for our church body to see first hand God working in these folks lives. And what a celebration we had!
So, all that to say, we really want bits of this video imbedded in the slide show.
The complication is added to when it was realized that my dear, sweet husband works next weekend, and the slide show needs to be ready to go for me on Saturday morning. He has this weekend to put it together. And a few evenings and a day or so this coming week.
Needless to say, I have had to be up and "with it" to keep the kids occupied. I had no idea what to do today, but Angela's family was staying at a hotel in town, with a pool, and invited me and the kids to come play with them. So, off we went. I was exhausted before I even got up this morning, so getting them there was a challenge, but once they were there, and acclimated to the water, I could settle in, and finally was able to relax in the hot tub for a bit. Literally for two kids who can't swim, they got used to that pool fast and had a blast.
That took care of the middle of the day... they got home and crashed out on the couch and played quietly. I was able to flop on the bed for a bit while daddy took care of supper, as he was at a pause in his work. Then I crashed with them on the couch, watched a bit of tv and helped get them into bed.
I am heading to bed soon, cause I am still feeling cruddy (not as bad as this morning, but if it takes me this long to get going tomorrow, I'm gonna be in trouble getting us out of the door to church!).
In the process of laying low, I have been reading and writing in my journal, but not many of my thoughts are clear, so I haven't wanted to share a lot here. I have been so emotional through last week, and last weekend, that now it feels like everything has numbed out. I know that may not necessarily be true, it may be the cold working against that, and God helping me get through a couple of very busy, tough weeks.... weeks that can't be easily navigated with emotions ranging all over.
That being said, I talked with a friend on Wednesday. We chatted for a while, and it helped me, though it was a bit painful, to realize that I have been pulling in on myself the blame and shame for several different things that have happened in the past. I have been taking on the other person's responsibilities. Not just in recent days, but I am realizing it is applying more and more to the relationship I am working through with Tricia.
I spent some time after our conversation in the sanctuary, in tears. I just have been so tired. With little sleep, and little food.... well, that doesn't help the emotions, much less the body in fighting off a cold.
So, though I have done little writing here recently, God is working in me and on me. He's writing on my heart some of the things that I need to remember. There are just too many to put to word here. I am still trying to figure out what they all are. Then I need to somehow get myself off the old paths, old grooves in my thoughts and get into new ones... make new paths based on the Truth, not the lies of the past.
Laying low is what I am doing. Keeping my head down and trying to get through what I have to. At the same time, God is still working on me... sometimes that's the best time for Him to get close enough for me to hear His whispers... when I'm laying low and have cut out the "fluff" of life that overtakes me so many times. When I get down to bare bones living, doing the bare minimum, those are the times when I am ready to listen. Just praying I remember what I have heard during this time.
Now, as I am nearly dozing as I try to write any more - I am off to try to get some better sleep than I did last night.
(Oh, and as of yet, my guru husband can't get the video off this camera. First the software he was downloading wasn't compatible with Windows 7, so he moved to a Windows XP machine. As of now, he has said that unless something happens, there is no way for him to pull off the video. He doesn't have the drivers and software needed for the video camera, and its so old, Sony doesn't even have the drivers on line. Unless the owners of the camera happen to have their software disks for their camera, and are actually able to find time.... no pictures or videos of the baptism.... my husband is very disgusted at the moment....)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Themes coming back....
I remember writing back several posts ago how I felt that God was giving me the theme of faith and hope.
Interestingly, the bible study that I picked to do as our women's study is Beth Moore's Believing God. All about having a forward moving, active faith.
At the same time, I signed on to do the 1st and 15th Siesta Scripture Memory Team. On Beth Moore's blog, she has challenged as many of us who will take her up on it, to work on memorizing two bible verses a month, picking a new one every 1st and 15th of the month.
I had picked Hebrews 10:22 for my first one, which talked about drawing near to God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith. All about faith.
Well, as things have gone on the past week or so, finding myself really at a low point, lower than I have been in a long while, I talked to God about it this morning.
Thursday had been an emotionally difficult day. I had a 90 minute session with Tricia. We started working through a lot of the relationship with this guy back in college. It was very difficult to have read my "no send" letter to her the previous week, but it was even harder to feel like I was living it all over again. Tricia guided me through things, but by the time I was done, I was really done. Emotionally I felt like I had been through a wringer, and physically too, I had nothing left.
I have been having trouble eating, because when my emotions are all over the place and in knots, so is my stomach, and I have been eating very little. I also have been sleeping very little. So at the end of the session Tricia had me think about the place where I felt safe. And as I thought about it, I felt like God was holding me and I told Him I just couldn't keep on going or take another step. It felt to me like he was saying, "It's ok, I'll take it for you." I had a sense of rest in my exhaustion.
As Tricia realized just how exhausted I was, she asked if I had some time to myself before the kids came home. I told her I did, and she encouraged me to go home and take a nap. I said I was just plain tired and wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide. She said she was ok with that, as long as it would get me some sleep. So, I left her office, went down the hall and was even too exhausted to cry in the bathroom. I got in my car, talked to Cindy for a few moments and headed home.
I slept. I actually slept. I called Cindy when I got home cause my mind was racing like crazy. She prayed for me, asking for God's peace and protection among other things, and it was like a switch was flipped. She said she would continue to pray when we got off the phone, and I hung up and was asleep within seconds.
Then yesterday morning I had a wonderful time at the local coffee shop. I was able to do some good studying of the bible, working through a bit of my Believing God study (I am starting to work ahead of the other ladies so I can be prepared, and will go back and review each week as we go). I also had the privilege of my daughter falling asleep on me there for a while. She snuggled in and I was able to keep on writing and studying and reading as she slept.
But I had a rough afternoon. Just got side-swiped by some things. I knew something like this was coming, but it still surprised me with the intensity of my emotional reaction to them. I was really in the pits last night and it wasn't pretty. My poor husband had no idea what to do with me. That's ok, neither did I.
That brings me back to this morning. I took off to run some errands and stopped at the coffee shop for a hazelnut breve, and settled in with my bible study. I just needed a break to kind of recover and regroup from yesterday. Before I started though, I talked to God about my week. I told Him I really needed a shot of hope because I didn't see any. I was looking around in Romans, and decided to flip back to Hebrews 10 to read the context around my previous verse (22). When I did I saw verse 23 and knew that was the one for me this time.
Get this one:
I mean, really? There is a God thing for sure. He answered my prayer for a verse on hope within a few moments of me asking Him. I saw answered prayer. That in itself is a shot of hope.
I have to hold tightly to the hope I say I have. I need to see God's promises to me. I have to otherwise I am going to go crazy. I don't say that lightly. I need the hope or I sink into despair. But there are some days I don't have the strength to hold onto the hope. This week has been full of them, yet somehow I keep on moving forward. I don't know how. It's only God.
I need to cling to the hope that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals. That He will bring healing into my life - continue what He has started in my life - and continue what He has started in the lives of those around me who are hurting so badly. I have to cling to the promises that I am loved, redeemed, secure, chosen, significant, accepted, precious, honored, a treasure, pure. I need to find bible verses on those and start choosing to read, pray through and meditate on those every time the lies come in, and the pain floods my heart, and the thoughts and worries overtake me.
I am looking forward to church tomorrow and not. I am looking forward to worshiping with others, though I have a feeling there will be tears in the process. I am looking forward to seeing Cindy and Sandy and some of my other friends there. But there are reasons that it is going to be painful in the going. Things that are reminders. Reminders of things I am going to have to grieve the loss of, though there is hope of restoration. (See another area of loss that I need to see hope in.)
In the face of all that I need to hold tightly to the hope I say I have WITHOUT WAVERING because God can be trusted to keep His promises!
Oh Lord, help me. I believe, but please help me overcome my unbelief!! Strengthen me and sustain me for I am so weak. Help me to relax in your hands and cling to You who are the hope we all are looking for.
Interestingly, the bible study that I picked to do as our women's study is Beth Moore's Believing God. All about having a forward moving, active faith.
At the same time, I signed on to do the 1st and 15th Siesta Scripture Memory Team. On Beth Moore's blog, she has challenged as many of us who will take her up on it, to work on memorizing two bible verses a month, picking a new one every 1st and 15th of the month.
I had picked Hebrews 10:22 for my first one, which talked about drawing near to God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith. All about faith.
Well, as things have gone on the past week or so, finding myself really at a low point, lower than I have been in a long while, I talked to God about it this morning.
Thursday had been an emotionally difficult day. I had a 90 minute session with Tricia. We started working through a lot of the relationship with this guy back in college. It was very difficult to have read my "no send" letter to her the previous week, but it was even harder to feel like I was living it all over again. Tricia guided me through things, but by the time I was done, I was really done. Emotionally I felt like I had been through a wringer, and physically too, I had nothing left.
I have been having trouble eating, because when my emotions are all over the place and in knots, so is my stomach, and I have been eating very little. I also have been sleeping very little. So at the end of the session Tricia had me think about the place where I felt safe. And as I thought about it, I felt like God was holding me and I told Him I just couldn't keep on going or take another step. It felt to me like he was saying, "It's ok, I'll take it for you." I had a sense of rest in my exhaustion.
As Tricia realized just how exhausted I was, she asked if I had some time to myself before the kids came home. I told her I did, and she encouraged me to go home and take a nap. I said I was just plain tired and wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide. She said she was ok with that, as long as it would get me some sleep. So, I left her office, went down the hall and was even too exhausted to cry in the bathroom. I got in my car, talked to Cindy for a few moments and headed home.
I slept. I actually slept. I called Cindy when I got home cause my mind was racing like crazy. She prayed for me, asking for God's peace and protection among other things, and it was like a switch was flipped. She said she would continue to pray when we got off the phone, and I hung up and was asleep within seconds.
Then yesterday morning I had a wonderful time at the local coffee shop. I was able to do some good studying of the bible, working through a bit of my Believing God study (I am starting to work ahead of the other ladies so I can be prepared, and will go back and review each week as we go). I also had the privilege of my daughter falling asleep on me there for a while. She snuggled in and I was able to keep on writing and studying and reading as she slept.
But I had a rough afternoon. Just got side-swiped by some things. I knew something like this was coming, but it still surprised me with the intensity of my emotional reaction to them. I was really in the pits last night and it wasn't pretty. My poor husband had no idea what to do with me. That's ok, neither did I.
That brings me back to this morning. I took off to run some errands and stopped at the coffee shop for a hazelnut breve, and settled in with my bible study. I just needed a break to kind of recover and regroup from yesterday. Before I started though, I talked to God about my week. I told Him I really needed a shot of hope because I didn't see any. I was looking around in Romans, and decided to flip back to Hebrews 10 to read the context around my previous verse (22). When I did I saw verse 23 and knew that was the one for me this time.
Get this one:
"Without wavering let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise."
Hebrews 10:23 New Living Translation
I mean, really? There is a God thing for sure. He answered my prayer for a verse on hope within a few moments of me asking Him. I saw answered prayer. That in itself is a shot of hope.
I have to hold tightly to the hope I say I have. I need to see God's promises to me. I have to otherwise I am going to go crazy. I don't say that lightly. I need the hope or I sink into despair. But there are some days I don't have the strength to hold onto the hope. This week has been full of them, yet somehow I keep on moving forward. I don't know how. It's only God.
I need to cling to the hope that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals. That He will bring healing into my life - continue what He has started in my life - and continue what He has started in the lives of those around me who are hurting so badly. I have to cling to the promises that I am loved, redeemed, secure, chosen, significant, accepted, precious, honored, a treasure, pure. I need to find bible verses on those and start choosing to read, pray through and meditate on those every time the lies come in, and the pain floods my heart, and the thoughts and worries overtake me.
I am looking forward to church tomorrow and not. I am looking forward to worshiping with others, though I have a feeling there will be tears in the process. I am looking forward to seeing Cindy and Sandy and some of my other friends there. But there are reasons that it is going to be painful in the going. Things that are reminders. Reminders of things I am going to have to grieve the loss of, though there is hope of restoration. (See another area of loss that I need to see hope in.)
My anxiety level is high.
My capacity to withstand any more "blows" is very low.
My fear of the unknown is high.
In the face of all that I need to hold tightly to the hope I say I have WITHOUT WAVERING because God can be trusted to keep His promises!
Oh Lord, help me. I believe, but please help me overcome my unbelief!! Strengthen me and sustain me for I am so weak. Help me to relax in your hands and cling to You who are the hope we all are looking for.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Letting go... surrender
How do I write out what's in my heart when I don't know what's there?
How do I try to express myself, when I feel numb?
How do I take care of myself the way I am supposed to?
I don't want to eat.
I'm afraid to sleep cause of the bad dreams.
My stomach flips and flops at the thought of food.
I struggle with having to take the meds I need.
I don't want to take them.
Obviously I am not doing well today.
I actually am better than yesterday. Sunday evening I cried till I was nearly sick. Then calmed down a bit and did some writing in my journal. Then cried myself to sleep.
Yesterday I got to work, sat in the sanctuary for a bit and tried to pray, and just sobbed some more.
Today. No tears. Nothing. I feel flat. Maybe that is a good thing.
I have to go see Tricia on Thursday afternoon for my appointment with her. I just am, well scared to go I guess. Because I don't want to face the junk that is there from that letter I wrote.
I keep on reading today things that talk about how only God can fill our empty places. How we need to let go of control of things, because God has it all already. How it's through the hardest times that the most worthwhile things come.
I know all that in my head. My heart doesn't get it. Maybe I do believe that God should punish me for all that I did wrong. I think I do believe that I deserved what I got, and that I don't deserve any better.
I should get mad at the enemy for using something so awful like that to affect me for so long. But in reality, all I have been able to do is get mad at myself and beat myself up more.
A friend asked me, what am I running from? Why am I trying to sabotage myself by not doing my part in caring for myself until my appointment? She said that maybe that would be something to focus on until the appointment rather than what is coming.
The problem with that is, I think I am running from God because I know He is going to "make" me face what I don't want to. (Not that He will force me to, but once I get into Tricia's office, I know I am going to go ahead with it, because that's who I am and how I'm wired) I don't want to face the lies... because seeing the truth up next to them is so extremely painful.
How can the truth be so painful?
Or is that just a perspective thing?
Probably the lie is what is so painful, and the enemy is twisting it to make me think the truth is the painful one.... I don't know.
Why am I sabotaging myself? I don't know for sure. Maybe as a backhanded way of punishing myself for my part in the relationship? Maybe I am listening to the lies too much - the lies that are shouting in my head that I'm not worth it, not worth anything. That I'm just a piece of junk, and that I don't deserve my husband and my kids and don't deserve to be happy.
I know that those are lies, but I can't seem to get myself beyond them. In Deuteronomy 7:6 (I'm going to personalize it and paraphrase it) It says that God chose me to be His. To be his treasured possession. I keep on bumping into that scripture everywhere I turn in the last week.
I read it, and it jars something in me. It goes contrary to everything I'm feeling and thinking. I know its the truth. So I suppose it's bumping up against the lies that are perpetuating my feelings and thoughts.
When I'm where I am at right now (and I've been here before) I feel like all my strength is gone. Which means the only way I am going to be able to move forward is if God takes the steps for me. Because I sure can't right now.
No. I am not saying I want to die. I am not down that far yet (I don't think) but I sure would love to curl up somewhere and not have to deal with anything or anyone for a good long time.
Isolation
Insulation
Neither are very good for me right now. But it's where I'm at.
Also, its hard right now because a good friend, who's been a good source of encouragement, and also someone I have been able to help and encourage too, needs a bit of space. Oh how the enemy tries to use our weaknesses against us, and give things a stir!
This time, I think God may have given things a stir instead, before the enemy could. I think it is protection. That's what I had been praying for in our friendship. Protection and God's will. Now I am praying it is His protection and that our friendship will endure.
I don't know what the next few weeks are going to look like. How do I respond? How much, or when, can I call, or email her? I know she needs her space to deal with some major stuff she is going through. But I hate the unknown. I want to know what it's going to look like in the next few weeks. How uncomfortable are we going to be with one another? How do I know when it's ok to call and see how she's doing and make sure she's safe?
I know God's got it. I know that He love me. He loves her. So I know that He has it all under control. I'm just trying to let go.
Let go.Of another thing.
Right now, all I feel I can control is my eating, meds, my sleeping... and even that stuff I can't completely control.
Because God is asking me to let go of that stuff too. To let go and let Him work. I need to surrender to His will, His way, His timing. When I try to rush things or slow things down, I know I make things worse. It's a proven pattern if I look back at my history.
I know I will eventually cave in to what God wants. I will do what He is asking me to, because everything is going to be pretty miserable if I don't.
So the struggle continues. My will or His? My way or His? My "truth" or His?
Am I going to finally learn to let go and stop fighting Him? How long does it have to take before I finally stop beating my head against brick walls?!
I guess it's one situation at a time. I am going to need to try to figure out how the heck to let go and surrender. Let go of this friendship, stop worrying about her and how she is doing and let God protect and care for her. Surrender the friendship to God and pray for her rather than worry about her. Praying is active. Worry just eats me alive. I am going to have to let go and surrender to let God heal me too. I need to stop fighting the healing process.
I guess that is what I am doing right now. I ask God to change me and show me and lead me and guide me to His next for me. Then the feelings of being out of control wash over me as change comes, and I start digging in my heels. I want to cling to what I know.... even if it's not good for me.
I have to let go.Believe the truth.Let go of the lies.Trust my God.Turn and face the pain.
The only way out of the pain is to face it.
Face it? Yeah. About that. Don't want to. It hurts bad enough as it is. But God wants me to let go of the hurt. He wants me to let Him take my fingers off it, bit by bit, let Him see it, wash it out and heal it. The longer I hang onto it, the worse the scar will be in the end.
The pain is nearly unbearable as I lay myself out on the alter. I know. I have done it before. God doesn't demand me to, He just asks in a gentle whisper if I trust Him enough to let go.
Let go and let Him.
Right now I see nothing but brick walls. Walls that I had started to take down in trust, that I am throwing back up as quick as I can. Walls that have been there for years, concealing fearful things I refused to look at. Walls that God is wanting to take down a piece at a time to redeem the things behind them. Walls covering wounds. Walls that I keep beating my head against, getting nowhere at all.
Thursday - I have to let go of my control and let God take those walls down. If I don't, I am not going to be able to breathe freely.
I'm scared.
I'm hurting.
I'm in such pain, it almost doesn't hurt to hurt myself more.
Does that make sense?
God, help me let go. Help me see the hope on the other side of this mess. Help me see You for who You really are. Help me believe you. Not just IN you, but believe you. Believe that I am who you say I am and You are who you say you are, and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I don't feel strong. I feel weak and broken and out of control. Help me somehow start to do something right for myself... to treat myself as Your treasure... even if I don't feel I am. Help me to start taking care of myself so that I have the strength to face the things you want me to on Thursday afternoon. Help me surrender.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
truth meeting lies...
I wrote so much last week, having to write that "no send" letter, that I was out of a lot of words, once I wrote about it here last Wednesday. Now here it is a week later, and a new year, and I find I haven't written at all.
Weird, because writing is such an outlet for me. I have journaled some, but coming off of such a counseling session on Monday, I am exhausted.
I didn't sleep well over the weekend. I dealt with a lot of anxiety (still am) and got maybe 4 hours of sleep, max for 3 nights running. Last night, finally, I slept nearly 7 hours. I am still exhausted, but feel like I have to keep going to fulfill commitments made.
I am hoping I can get all my work done around the house tonight to be able to rest and not have my mind run away from me.
Monday's session was grueling with Tricia. Before I went in, I was able to talk with a friend, who gave me a hug and encouraged me to keep on doing what I had to.
I had an hour and a half session. We talked a little bit at the beginning and I was able to tell her about my Christmas and my father, and everything that had happened. Then she asked how everything else was, and I shared that I had written the letter. I shared how hard it was, and how much it took out of me.
She asked if I was willing to read it. I said that I needed to. She asked permission to interrupt me if she had questions, and I gave it to her, and then started reading.
Halfway through she interrupted me for only about the 2nd or 3rd time, and asked how much more I had to read. I told her half, and then she realized we had a 90 minute appointment, not 60 so we were good to go. When I finished the letter, I was able to sit back, but had a hard time looking her in the eyes, or even in her direction.
She told me, confirmed what I had been thinking in the back of my head I guess, that this really was an abusive relationship, in many aspects, and contained a lot of sexual assault that I had describe in my letter. That's why it was so painful to write, and nearly impossible to read. That's why I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest before I even entered her office.
For the last 20 minutes of my appointment or so, we talked through some things, but she didn't want to dig too deep because she didn't want to take me to a place that I wasn't safe, and just wanted to really be able to dig into that the next time.
Next week Thursday I have another 90 minute appointment to really start to work through the relationship and pain and anger that is so contained in there. In the meantime Tricia wants me to think through these three things:
These I have to come up with between now and then, as it will really not only help me process now, but will shorten the preparation time in our session. Then we will have more time to do the actual therapy.
I have the letter still in my bag, cause I can't bear to look at it, but am carrying it around with me so I know where it is, and no one else will read it. I don't know what to do with it yet, or if I am ready to do anything with it yet. I probably will burn it or something like that. I do need to get rid of it, but I guess I'm not ready yet.
My emotions have shut down pretty much, and I feel like they are on auto pilot. I walked with a friend through some pretty tough stuff in the last day or two, so that has distracted me as well. It helps to focus on someone else for a bit, rather than myself. It helps me to not feel like I'm drowning in my own "stuff."
One of my friends gave me a "safe place" to go after my session so that I didn't have to go home and deal with children right away, but could have some time to regroup so I didn't come unglued when I had to deal with their demands.
We sat and talked or were quiet as either of us needed. I was actually able to doze off for a while and rest, when I finally warmed up enough. We sat and cried together as we shared our stuff with each other, as we felt led and just rested. When I finally left, I felt like I was in a safer place emotionally than I had been when I got there. Though I was still exhausted, I at least was able to function and not feel like I was going to lose it with some unsuspecting person.
Now that I am able to get work done and finish up my week at work at least, I am finding myself struggling with wanting to run away from God, from everything, right now, and trying to find somewhere where it is safe for me to just collapse and be me.
I am so grateful for the miracle God performed in a friend's life last night. She was struggling SO much the past week, and was terrified by some things that had happened the night before, and last night, she slept in peace, for the longest she has in a long time. That was a miracle in itself, then I got to see her today, and just the change in her countenance that was so apparent was a miracle as well.
So, I am praising God for that, which is drawing me closer to Him. But I am pushing away from the emotions that I have buried. Pushing away from the things that I know are true. The truth is fighting against the lies that are flying through my head and in my face that are probably rooted in this relationship I am trying to work through.
How can I feel compelled to run and feel myself being drawn at the same time? Both of them against each other feels like it is pulling me to a complete standstill. I know that the strength of that which is drawing me and wooing me is much stronger than that which is pushing me and compelling me to run. But which do I choose? Moment to moment it seems to swing.
I want time away with God tonight, but there are many things to be done before people come over tomorrow night. I have less time tomorrow to do things than I had originally planned. All these things threaten to keep me busy and too occupied to really focus on God or what I know He wants for me.
All I want to do is stop feeling and thinking. All God wants me to do is allow Him into these so very painful, wounded, abused areas. I am afraid to open them up. I don't want to. I know the hurt of having wounds cleansed. I know the healing on the other side too. But I am resisting the cleaning process because of the pain involved.
I was told to care for myself this week. I was told to treat myself gently. i found a verse in Deuteronomy 7:6 that a friend picked for her 1st scripture memory verse for the year - and it spoke to me and hurt me at the same time.
Chosen to be His own special treasure? That means I am to treasure myself the way He treasures me. In spite of what happened. Really?
And this is where the lies are fighting the truth. This is where my actions actually back up what I am believing. Because I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to treat myself gently, I don't want to take my meds. The only thing that is making me do some of these things, some of the time is that I have one or two people who know what is going on who are asking me if I have done what I should, or at least expect me to tell them if I have or haven't.
I am better today than I was last week Wednesday after finishing writing the letter.
I am better than I was when I first realized how bad these memories were.
I am better than a few years ago when I first started counseling with Tricia.
I am trying to cling to hope and to have faith.
Where the truth meets the lies and the rubber really hits the road is where I am having some problems. That's where the impulse to run away comes and I want to flee. From everyone and everything.
Weird, because writing is such an outlet for me. I have journaled some, but coming off of such a counseling session on Monday, I am exhausted.
I didn't sleep well over the weekend. I dealt with a lot of anxiety (still am) and got maybe 4 hours of sleep, max for 3 nights running. Last night, finally, I slept nearly 7 hours. I am still exhausted, but feel like I have to keep going to fulfill commitments made.
I am hoping I can get all my work done around the house tonight to be able to rest and not have my mind run away from me.
Monday's session was grueling with Tricia. Before I went in, I was able to talk with a friend, who gave me a hug and encouraged me to keep on doing what I had to.
I had an hour and a half session. We talked a little bit at the beginning and I was able to tell her about my Christmas and my father, and everything that had happened. Then she asked how everything else was, and I shared that I had written the letter. I shared how hard it was, and how much it took out of me.
She asked if I was willing to read it. I said that I needed to. She asked permission to interrupt me if she had questions, and I gave it to her, and then started reading.
Halfway through she interrupted me for only about the 2nd or 3rd time, and asked how much more I had to read. I told her half, and then she realized we had a 90 minute appointment, not 60 so we were good to go. When I finished the letter, I was able to sit back, but had a hard time looking her in the eyes, or even in her direction.
She told me, confirmed what I had been thinking in the back of my head I guess, that this really was an abusive relationship, in many aspects, and contained a lot of sexual assault that I had describe in my letter. That's why it was so painful to write, and nearly impossible to read. That's why I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest before I even entered her office.
For the last 20 minutes of my appointment or so, we talked through some things, but she didn't want to dig too deep because she didn't want to take me to a place that I wasn't safe, and just wanted to really be able to dig into that the next time.
Next week Thursday I have another 90 minute appointment to really start to work through the relationship and pain and anger that is so contained in there. In the meantime Tricia wants me to think through these three things:
- What was the worst thing about this (relationship) -- a portion? The whole thing?
- What is the negative cognition, what is the lie or lies I am believing because of it?
- What is the positive cognition, what do I want to believe about myself (the truth) even though this happened?
These I have to come up with between now and then, as it will really not only help me process now, but will shorten the preparation time in our session. Then we will have more time to do the actual therapy.
I have the letter still in my bag, cause I can't bear to look at it, but am carrying it around with me so I know where it is, and no one else will read it. I don't know what to do with it yet, or if I am ready to do anything with it yet. I probably will burn it or something like that. I do need to get rid of it, but I guess I'm not ready yet.
My emotions have shut down pretty much, and I feel like they are on auto pilot. I walked with a friend through some pretty tough stuff in the last day or two, so that has distracted me as well. It helps to focus on someone else for a bit, rather than myself. It helps me to not feel like I'm drowning in my own "stuff."
One of my friends gave me a "safe place" to go after my session so that I didn't have to go home and deal with children right away, but could have some time to regroup so I didn't come unglued when I had to deal with their demands.
We sat and talked or were quiet as either of us needed. I was actually able to doze off for a while and rest, when I finally warmed up enough. We sat and cried together as we shared our stuff with each other, as we felt led and just rested. When I finally left, I felt like I was in a safer place emotionally than I had been when I got there. Though I was still exhausted, I at least was able to function and not feel like I was going to lose it with some unsuspecting person.
Now that I am able to get work done and finish up my week at work at least, I am finding myself struggling with wanting to run away from God, from everything, right now, and trying to find somewhere where it is safe for me to just collapse and be me.
I am so grateful for the miracle God performed in a friend's life last night. She was struggling SO much the past week, and was terrified by some things that had happened the night before, and last night, she slept in peace, for the longest she has in a long time. That was a miracle in itself, then I got to see her today, and just the change in her countenance that was so apparent was a miracle as well.
So, I am praising God for that, which is drawing me closer to Him. But I am pushing away from the emotions that I have buried. Pushing away from the things that I know are true. The truth is fighting against the lies that are flying through my head and in my face that are probably rooted in this relationship I am trying to work through.
How can I feel compelled to run and feel myself being drawn at the same time? Both of them against each other feels like it is pulling me to a complete standstill. I know that the strength of that which is drawing me and wooing me is much stronger than that which is pushing me and compelling me to run. But which do I choose? Moment to moment it seems to swing.
I want time away with God tonight, but there are many things to be done before people come over tomorrow night. I have less time tomorrow to do things than I had originally planned. All these things threaten to keep me busy and too occupied to really focus on God or what I know He wants for me.
All I want to do is stop feeling and thinking. All God wants me to do is allow Him into these so very painful, wounded, abused areas. I am afraid to open them up. I don't want to. I know the hurt of having wounds cleansed. I know the healing on the other side too. But I am resisting the cleaning process because of the pain involved.
I was told to care for myself this week. I was told to treat myself gently. i found a verse in Deuteronomy 7:6 that a friend picked for her 1st scripture memory verse for the year - and it spoke to me and hurt me at the same time.
"For you are a holy people, who belong to the Lord your God. Of all the people on earth, the Lord you God has chosen you to be his own special treasure" (NLT)
Chosen to be His own special treasure? That means I am to treasure myself the way He treasures me. In spite of what happened. Really?
And this is where the lies are fighting the truth. This is where my actions actually back up what I am believing. Because I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to treat myself gently, I don't want to take my meds. The only thing that is making me do some of these things, some of the time is that I have one or two people who know what is going on who are asking me if I have done what I should, or at least expect me to tell them if I have or haven't.
I am better today than I was last week Wednesday after finishing writing the letter.
I am better than I was when I first realized how bad these memories were.
I am better than a few years ago when I first started counseling with Tricia.
I am trying to cling to hope and to have faith.
Where the truth meets the lies and the rubber really hits the road is where I am having some problems. That's where the impulse to run away comes and I want to flee. From everyone and everything.
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