What I walked away with today....

I walked out of my appointment with Tricia today, feeling by far much better than I have in a long time.

I didn't hold anything back from her that I could think of, not knowingly anyway. I told her how frustrated I had been in our last session and going back to work out of it. She nodded and said that she had been able to tell.

When I shared how I had exploded more or less once the church was empty that night, she also said that she was pretty sure she had left me in a fragile state when I walked out of the office, but she didn't want to say that in case she planted a thought that wasn't really there. Boy, I'm glad things didn't get worse than they did last week, or there would have been some pieces to be picked up!

We talked about what God has done this week. How He has worked, and just how He used that frustrating session last week to get me just out there enough to talk to Sandy about it, a little, after a lot of prying on her part. Her persistence and her verbally forgiving me, and reminding me that Henry wouldn't want me to beat myself up either, and that I was by far more important than anything else.... that changed me, though I didn't know or recognize it at the time.

I didn't recognize it until I was sharing the things of the week with Tricia and she started praising God right there in the middle of it. She got so excited she nearly jumped up and down! Slapped her clipboard down on the footstool between us, and out loud praised God for how He works all things together.

Because, as I now realize it, He did. He worked this past week - the pain - the hurt - the guilt - the frustration from my session - my conversation with Sandy - my tiredness - my lowered defenses - into a healing for me. Not fully, but a lightening of the load.

Maybe that's part of why I walked out of Tricia's office today feeling lighter.

Is the depression gone?
No.
I wish it were that easy.

I wish I could say, "Nah, I don't really need to come back. I'm fine now."

However, I would probably be back in 6 months or a year, burned out and worse than I am now.

I told Tricia that there are better days than others. Sometimes I am too busy to notice the depression except in passing. Other days it nearly debilitates me and makes me non-functional. Sometimes I am ok, and experiencing a pleasant moment, but I can see the dark clouds on the horizon, and wonder when the storm is going to hit, how fast it is moving, and how severe it's going to be.

Tricia said to me that she was feeling that Henry's death was just the icing on the cake for me. The she looked at me and asked me what the cake was... expecting an answer. What did I say?

I. Don't. Know.

We don't know what that "cake" is under the icing. Neither of us do. Maybe there is nothing there, maybe there is another layer from previous things that needs to be addressed. Really we don't know, but there were some things that were brought up today (for another post) that are things to explore.

Tricia prayed for both of us at the end of our session today. She prayed for me that I would be able to see the good times and essentially experience the "joy moments" and for guidance and help for the worship rehearsal tonight, and my job and the upcoming events that are causing me stress.

She prayed for herself that God would give her the wisdom to know how to help. That He would grant her discernment in how to continue to develop a treatment plan for me, and that she would have His wisdom in everything and every way.

I came out of Tricia's office today with two things from her to remember.

Three things though I have walked away with.

One: When I have something pleasant happen, enjoy it. Take note of it. Experience it. Don't just blow by it unnoticed and unappreciated. From the simple sun on my face, to a quiet snuggle with the kids, to an unexpected but wonderful talk with my husband.

Two: Don't go digging too deep. Don't try to over analyze what is going on with me, or the "why's" that want to show up. Let God show things as He will, but don't go digging for them or too deeply before I'm ready.

And this is the one that I am really adding on to the list... not something Tricia specifically sent me away thinking about. This is one that I have only realized now, after writing a brief email to Cindy (and oh, I can't wait to talk to Cindy D. about this too!)

Three: I have walked away from this appointment with a little smoldering wick. This bruised reed that I am is carrying a little flame that I thought was gone. In the face of it all, I do have one thing back, just from this session with Tricia. And now I have a name for it.

HOPE.