Saturday, January 10, 2009

Heather is... needing to renew her mind.

I have a Face Book account.
My status for the day today was, “Heather is.”

Just that.

Then I added, “Tough day… all around… but the kids were especially tough.”

I woke up maybe on the wrong side of the bed. I lay in bed praying that God would make it all go away. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, deal with the kids, nothing.

I wasn’t feeling very lovable, or loving, or patient. I wasn’t feeling at all as if anything has changed in my life. Oh it was a bad day.

I know that what I was feeling wasn’t based on truth. I know that the enemy was probably really trying to bring me down. However, I just couldn’t see it till later in the day…. much later, unfortunately.

And the kids fed off of what I was going through. If they could challenge me on anything they did. They fought with each other, fought with me. Peter screamed at me in the face so many times. Then he realized that I was not going to deal with it. I was able (finally, with some encouragement from my husband who was at work) to stay calm. I just took him into his room, and gave him a “talking to” with something that would get his attention. After 2 times of that, he was done yelling at me. Then he was on to yelling at Marina.

I felt like I was in the middle of a war zone. I think I was. I was so grateful when Dave got home tonight. He got here about 3:30 or so, and as soon as I got our dinner in the oven, I took one look at him and told him I was going to shower and get dressed for the day.
Yup. That kind of day.

It would have been nice to stay in my pj’s all day, if that had been the plan. But it wasn’t in my plans at all. And I just didn’t have much fun with it. It was really too cold for Marina outside today… though Peter would have been fine, but I wasn’t comfortable letting him outside by himself. So I had two squirmy, stir crazy kids, with toys spread all over the living room, feeling that the house was crowding in on us.

That was the outward stuff.

The inward stuff was much worse… and made it that much harder to deal with everything else…
You know, after reading the first chapter of our book, “Self Talk, Soul Talk,” you would think that I would get it. I have been challenged every way I could have been. I really didn’t do so good with soul talk today… it was a lot more self talk, the junk in the closet being dragged out, all my fears and failures…

Boy its amazing how quickly I forget what I have learned, just a day or two later. It is so hard.

I felt today exhausted (not physically) and depressed, irritable, and on the edge of every emotion.

At one point I sat down in the bathroom, and just cried… and cried.

I am currently listening to some Beth Moore on line.

She just said:
“Everything we feel right now is a direct result of what we think.”

Oh my word, how true. It is a good reminder for me. It is the exact same thing that Tricia was teaching me. If I want to feel different about myself and my situation, I need to start thinking differently.

My irrational feelings are based on facts. But those facts may not necessarily be true; the Truth.

Oh, isn’t that the same thing that so many of us need?

All the thoughts I had today:
I’m a bad mom.
I can’t keep my kids from fighting.
I can’t even manage to get dressed.
I can’t keep the house clean.
I am so lazy.
I am so stupid.
I am unlovable.
I am useless.
And there were more, that I can’t even remember.

But it is safe to say that I really didn’t love myself very well today.

It doesn’t matter that God loves me no matter what (well, it does, but you know what I mean), I wasn’t feeling it today. I was just about in tears, sitting at the computer, and was reading a friend’s post, and it just struck me… She said that sometimes (like Leah in Genesis) we feel like a “3 in a world of 10’s.” I felt today that I rated maybe a 3 on a scale of 1-10.
It wasn’t because of a lack of attention by anyone else (like Leah was “ignored” by Jacob and desperately longed for him… until somehow God did something in her). It wasn’t that I felt God was rating me as a 3. I was rating myself as a 3… or less. I was filled with condemning thoughts, and I know that they didn’t originate with God. I know that they were planted, or improved upon by the enemy. He doesn’t want me to realize who I really am in Christ. And as I have learned more about who I am in Christ, he tries to redirect my thoughts. The enemy has tried very hard today to keep me ineffective for Christ.

I was completely incapacitated by lunch time.

It wasn’t until I was in the shower, before supper, that things started to turn around. It wasn’t until I started taking care of myself, by cleaning up, by eating something good for myself, by playing with my daughter on the bed, by snuggling with the kids during a Veggie Tales movie… that was when my attitude started to turn around.

Tricia always told me. Take care of yourself first. When you take care of yourself, by cleaning up, eating well, exercising, accomplishing one thing (even if it is one load of laundry), sleeping well, then slowly your feelings will change. You can’t take care of anyone else, until you have taken care of yourself.

My frame of mind will be all out of sorts until I am able to see myself as worthy of being taken care of. I have to start thinking of myself as worthy of God’s love (through His mercy and grace), and more basically worthy of being taken care of, and that I can take care of myself. Nurturing myself is the first thing I need to focus on.

If I keep my priorities straight…
God first…
Me second…
My husband third…
My kids fourth…
…I am going to find that I will be a lot better off.

I can still feel the weight pressing down on me right now. The depression is still hanging there. But I am listening to some solid biblical teaching, and I have had the chance to listen to some good worship music before that. And though it has nearly moved me to tears a couple of times, I know those are cleansing tears. God is working in my heart to break through the walls and terrible thoughts running through my head today.

I am so thankful that He is willing to transform me by the renewing of my mind.

I was able to start the day somehow with part of my life verse…
(and I paraphrased it…)

I need you today. I need your strength. I can’t do this today Lord, only You can.

My prayer tonight is that He will sing over me and renew me for tomorrow. I am praying that my mind and heart will be protected and guarded by His angels. And that my mind and heart will be transformed by His word and truth.

My heart is still hurting. My mind is still racing. My tears still want to flow.

I may wake up that way tomorrow.

However, I have the whole afternoon tomorrow to spend with God. I have a good stretch of time to rest in His presence and soak in His word, and His love. I know He will renew me and refresh me.

Thank you for allowing me to share my heart in this context. It has been a blessing to have this blog as an outlet. And thank you for your prayers and encouragement. They are appreciated more than you know.

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