Wednesday, January 14, 2009

New Thoughts... and renewal...

What God has done for me the past few days has been really good.

I want to thank you all who have been and are praying for me. I know I am not out of the woods yet as far as dealing with depression, or learning to cope with stresses now that I am not counseling anymore.

I am in a transition time I guess.

I am transitioning out of counseling, and realizing that I can’t just “hold” on dealing with something until my next appointment, because hopefully there won’t be a next appointment. I need to deal with things here and now, using tools and skills I picked up from Tricia. I need to re-label lies that I have believed with the truth. Also something I started to do with Tricia.

Now I need to do it on my own without her prompting or guidance.

Now I need to listen to God for my prompting and guidance.

Monday and Tuesday, though I was still feeling depressed and not wanting to do much, I did start to feel better.

Then this morning I woke. And as I left in a comment on someone’s blog, I felt like God had been singing over me in the night. I don’t know what song it was, but I woke with a totally different attitude. I got my son off to school today, leaving my husband and daughter still sleeping, and from Peter’s school, went to the local coffee shop. My stamp card was full, so I got a free coffee, and sat down and stole about 45 minutes out of the day to chat with God. I journaled and prayed and just had the chance to refocus.

Then I grabbed my groceries, and got home.

As I went through the day, though I was tired, my whole outlook was different.

I don’t know if it was that I was reconnected with my best friend from junior high and high school, or the coffee and chat with God, but man did it make a difference in my day!

I know that I am going to still have struggles. I know I am going to have to battle negative thoughts. I know that I am going to have to battle lies and struggle with focusing in on the truth, or even hearing the truth from time to time. I know that right now I am in a growing stage.

God has me here right now to learn how to do things on my own with Him, rather than relying on someone else to tell me what to do next. I don’t need someone else to tell me, “OK… do this, now go here… OK, now try this, and now you step here…” etc. What I need is to listen to God and follow His guidance. I need to really listen for Him when I find myself hitting bottom (hopefully before that though) and learn to use His word as my weapon against the enemy and his lies.

No longer do I want to be the door mat for the enemy to walk in and just trash my heart and home. My heart and home belong to Jesus. I don’t want to open the door to anyone but Jesus, and those He has with Him. I want God’s truth to flood through my soul, through my mind, through my heart and continue it’s healing process that was started in the last year or so.

God laid such a good foundation for healing and growth, I don’t want to just let it sit there uncompleted. I want to cooperate in building on that foundation.

It’s hard, because as much as I want to jump ahead into areas that I feel God might be calling me to, I feel like He is telling me to wait.

I think this weekend’s bout with depression was a lot about that. I think it was a reminder that I am not out of the woods yet. I have a lot to learn. I have a lot that I need to work on. I have a lot that I need to continue to put into practice, a lot of skills that are still cumbersome and uncomfortable for me yet, that I need to work into my reflexes.

It was also a reminder that God is in control. He is the one who is going to help me learn these things. He is going to help me work on these things. He is going to help me put into practice the skills I need.

All my trying by myself will not get me very far. Only with God’s help will I get to where He wants me to be, not where I think I should be. There is a big difference there. Because I will never know His thoughts. I just know they are good for me. (Does that make sense?)
I think today taught me that I need to have a more concentrated time with God each day… each morning. More than I do now.

Oh dear.
Yes. Me.

See… my kids get up no later than 8:30 (and yes I know some of you are about to kill me when I say that). But I am a night person. It is midnight right now as I am typing this, though I will probably post date this, so that it publishes late Wednesday night… because my day isn’t over yet for me. I could happily stay up till 2am or so, and sleep in till 9 or 10am and be very happy.

However the earliest my kids have gotten up, and this is usually my daughter, is 6:30am. So that is a rather large window for me to deal with. That means, if I want any time, whatsoever with God that is uninterrupted, I really need to get up no later than 6am.

Not good.
A bummer really.

Because my words seem to come to me better late at night. But maybe if I can switch my clock over, 9pm or 10pm could become my late at night???? Maybe????

All I know is though in my New Year’s resolutions I said that I needed to start the day with God, and have 2 concentrated hours a week with Him…. I think it needs to be more than a brief 15-20 minutes of distracted time in the morning. And I need more concentrated time with Him than just “2″ hours a week.

What that means and how that is going to look, I don’t know. I just know that somehow I need to make it work.

Because, today, having that time to sit and journal, and be out of the house was really good. I was able to keep a train of thought and prayer going in one direction. I was able to have a latte to keep me awake! And I just came away from that time feeling really refreshed.
I want more of that.

Especially when I know that I am going to have more times of depression and anxiety as things, and normal stressors of life come up. I need to be able to cope with them and deal with them in a healthy way, and the only way I can do that is if I am really connected with God.
(and yes, for those keeping track, I did post-date this… only by 17 minutes…. I “published” this post on 1-14-09 at 23:59)

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