One season ending, a New One starting

So last week was a faith-step for me, when I told Tricia that was my last appointment with her.

Tuesday, was another one for me.

I was able to tell my psychiatrist that I was done counseling, and that I had been skipping meds, but now was stable on them again.  I also told him that I really was doing better.   And I was telling the truth!  After some discussion, we were able to definitely agree that we aren’t going to change any medications right now, and not rock the boat and see how things go.

I told him one of the things I was looking forward to was a summer with my family.

The last few summers have been shadowed by other things.  Pain and heartache, and difficult things that took my mind and focus off my family.

I will still be balancing work and family this summer.  I will still be dealing with “things,” because we always have “things” and stuff that we have to deal with from time to time.

But I want a really great summer with my kids, where we can have fun and play and spontaneously run to visit grandparents, or friends, or go to a beach – in another state if we want.  Just get away as much as we can and have fun.

God has stuff in store for me.  I don’t know what it is, but I know it is good.  He has a new country for me, my promised land.  All I have to do is finish crossing the Jordan River and get my feet on the shore.  He will always be with me and walk with me.  I just need to follow Him.

I have such a sense of a season ending.  A new one is starting.  I haven’t felt something like this before.  Not like this, with such hope involved in it. 

When I look back at the posts here on this blog, and see all the ways that God has helped me, been with me and saved me, over and over…. I have realized something.

Beth Moore was talking about standing stones in the “Believing God” bible study.  How God told the Israelites to take 12 stones from the middle of the Jordan River and stand them up.  Then their children would ask, “What do these stones mean?”  Then they could tell of how faithful God was in saving them out of Egypt.  He parted the Red Sea, and stayed with them through the desert.  He gave them the commandments to live by, the laws and rules that would set them apart.  He gave them food and water, just enough, just when they needed it.  Their clothes and shoes never wore out.  And after 40 years of wandering, He brought them back to the Jordan River, across on dry ground into their promised land.

This blog is full of standing stones.

I can see where He has taken me out of the slavery of my “Egypt” and walked me through a parted Red Sea.  But I had to wander for “forty years” in the “desert” of depression, painful memories, and a darkness of my thoughts that terrified me.

Yet God never let me completely wear out.  He never let me down.  He always provided what I needed, exactly when I needed it.  He proved Himself over and over. 

He has taught me how to live, given me boundaries that fall in pleasant places.  I have learned from Jesus what it is to rely on Him and His Father, my Father.  He has set me apart to serve Him, to stand out from the culture, not by what I say, or even do, but by how I live.  How I live, really live, alive and full of joy is what sets me apart, and draws others to me, to Him.

After all my wandering He has brought me to the Jordan River and asked me again if I am ready to cross it.  I think I have been here before, at least seen it in passing, but now I am ready to cross.  It took a while for me to be ready, and even now I am not ready.  But I have surrendered everything to Him.

What else can I do but follow.  For I know that is the best.

So, now I have crossed my Jordan River, and I have set my feet for the first time in my Promised Land.  I don’t know all the length and breadth of it.  I don’t know everything it contains.  I don’t know what my “Jericho” will be, or what God will have me do, while He knocks those walls down.  

But I have faith in my God.  I know that He will do it. 

I believe Him.  Because I know Him. Because He has made Himself known to me.

He has shown me Himself, His glory, and called me His own.  I am His treasured possession, His beloved daughter.  A princess of the King of Glory.  I get to call Him my Daddy.

I am loved by Him.

And OH!  How I love Him.

“LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
   you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
   surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
   even at night my heart instructs me.”

Psalm 16:5-7

Another faith-step...

Yesterday I walked into Tricia’s office.

She asked how things were for me, and realized we hadn’t seen each other for a month, so she wanted to catch up and see how I was doing.

I explained that the first reason I had canceled my appointment two weeks prior was that I found my schedule out of control and I just couldn’t figure out how to manage things that day, so counseling had to go.  She more than understood and applauded my choice of letting go of the things I had to in order to keep things manageable.

Then I shared with her what I had bubbling inside me all day.

I said that this was going to be my last appointment with her.

She started to smile and asked me why, and so I shared some of the things that have been going on in the past few weeks.  The amazing changes God has been making in my life and my heart.

We took all of my scheduled appointment to talk about what had been going on.  We also talked a lot about some other things, some other loose ends that needed to be tied up.

As our time drew to a close, Tricia prayed for me, and then on her own time, shared some ministry opportunities that God has given her a passion for.  She also shared how hard it had been for her to concentrate during our session and how weighted down she had felt, still felt.  I told her that I would be praying for her, and she thanked me.  She said that she wasn’t “begging” for prayers, but anytime I thought of her, to pray for her, and for the “things that take place here,” indicating the office --- the whole of Charis Counseling.

It was a wonderful time of fellowship.  It was also very good because she was able to give me some advice in a few areas that I needed it still. 

I know now it is going to be hard not to see her anymore, yet at the same time, I am ok with that.  Yes, I am going to miss her.  She has been such a blessing to me.  The law required that there be 2 years between our last counseling session and when we can have contact again, outside a counselor/client type of relationship.  She told me to call her in two years.  So, I look forward to that day.  But I am also trying to be realistic in realizing that I may very well have to go back and see her again as her client.

I am hoping, with the many issues and roadblocks I have worked through with her, and with all the things that God has done, I won’t need to though.

I know I am going to have to live with depression for now.  That isn’t something that I have felt like God said He’d take away.  But, controlling it with medication, and taking care of myself makes a big difference in how it affects me.

And, I am ok with that.

Yeah, it’s not always a fun prospect to look forward to, but I know that medication helps, and for now, I am ok with the fact that I will need to stay on it for a while.  For sure, I know that the anti-depressant helps clear my head and make it easier for me to process things and deal with just even the daily stresses.  When I haven’t taken it, or not taken it regularly, it has been very hard to concentrate and focus on what I need to.

I am happy right now, and fully aware that God brought me to this place, to this decision, and He has got me.  I also know that at some point, I will need to grieve not seeing Tricia anymore.  It will eventually sink in, but that’s ok too.  It’s a loss of a friendship for a time, really.  But there is an end goal in sight. 

Between now and then, God has got a lot for me to do.

He has a lot to teach me.

He has a lot for me to learn and then teach to others.

As a short aside, last night was one of those nights where He used something I had learned but He had revisited with me.

Marina has been sick for nearly the past month.  She has been coming out of her room 2 or more times a night claiming to be having bad dreams and being scared in her room.  Saturday night though pushed me over the edge.  She was up 5 times coming into our room.  As I am closest to the door, she kept coming to me.

I first fell asleep at midnight.

Marina came in at:

1am

3am

3:30am

4:30am

5:30am

To say the least, the last time she came in, I was less than thrilled.  Dave mumbled in his sleep not to be too harsh with her and then started snoring again (we laugh about it now, but I could have killed him then!!!!)

Sunday night, she stayed at the farm so I could sleep.

Last night, God reminded me that sometimes reading the Bible before bed was the best thing I could do for myself.  So, though it got the kids to bed a bit later, I spent some time reading to her and Peter.  First the book of John, then Joshua (where God tells him not to be afraid, that He would be with him wherever he went), and finally I ended back up in the Psalms.  Psalm 139.  I read it out of the New International Readers Version, because it helped explain it to her a little better. 

The more I read, the more she settled down.  When I reminded her that she had asked Jesus into her heart, she cried, “Yes I did, but He didn’t stay there!”  Well, I can relate to that feeling.  Can’t you?

Eventually she laid out on the bed, her chin in her hands, soaking up what I was reading.  Before, she had been clinging to me, shaking at the idea of going to bed.

When I eventually prayed with the kids, I prayed through the very scriptures that I had read to them.  Then I gave Marina a warning.  I told her that if she came out in the night, she had one time for me to tuck her back in.  Otherwise she was going to have to tuck herself back in.

Two minutes after leaving the room, she was back outside saying she was scared.  I told her that it would be easier to tuck herself back in then when it was still light in the living room, but she wanted me to tuck her back in.  So I did, and reminded her that was it.

This morning, I woke up and realized that she hadn’t gotten me up once in the night.

I think it was a combination of me coming down a bit harder and letting her know she wasn’t getting away with coming out of her room all the time anymore, and very intentionally reading the Bible with her before bed.

There is power in the spoken Word.  That is what God has been teaching me.  There is power there that many times we don’t tap into.

Last night, God gave me the opportunity to tap into it, and to also teach it by example to my kids.

Another step in the right direction.

Another learning experience.

I am crossing the Jordan River into my promised land.  I don’t know what to expect.  I don’t know what giants I will have to face, but I know it is a better land than the one I have come out of.  I don’t want to return there, to my Egypt. 

Praise God for another faith-step, following after Him!

On the road… walking with Jesus… 

...that takes one faith-step after another.

overwhelmed by JOY...

As we worshipped this morning, I was overwhelmed.

I was up front, helping lead, with 3 other singers.  We led out with a fairly upbeat set of three songs to start the service.  The last one that we sang was called “Stronger.” 

The chorus:

You are stronger, You are stronger

Sin is broken, You have saved me.

It is written “Christ is Risen”

Jesus, You are Lord of all.

It just hit me all over again what God has done for me in the past 3-4 weeks or so.  I mean, the healing, the bringing me to different points of surrender, the hope. 

Yes, my friend Cindy can tell me, “I told you so,” now. 

She kept telling me that there was hope.  She kept on telling me that I would make it through.  That I would heal.  That God had something more for me.

I don’t know the depth of that which God has done yet.  But it is more than a mere surface fix.  For I am more healed, have more hope, feel more freedom than ever before.

God has broken the power of sin and death.   

He has redeemed me and I am His.   

Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. 

I am more than a conqueror through Him who loved me.

These truths resonated in me over and over this morning through our first set of worship.  We came back around to the chorus (above) and as we got to it, I couldn’t stand still.  It was all I could do to keep from dancing up there.  I had a hard time singing cause I couldn’t tell if I was going to cry or laugh or do some combination of both.

I am undone.

I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by JOY!

Please enjoy this video of the worship song, “Stronger.”  It’s worth the time… and wonderful to worship along with.

A new place...

A new place.

That’s where I am now. 

In a new place.  I never expected this on Wednesday as I sat down to review my “Believing God” study in preparation for leading it the next day.

Two weeks ago, God took me to a new place in my believing Him.  He prompted me to surrender to Him completely.  I made the decision to walk by faith no matter what He called me to do, no matter what happened to me in the future.  I was going to trust Him with everything.

After two weeks of walking that way and seeing what it felt like to be in such peace, God asked me again to do something. 

It was more of a subtle realization as I was writing a prayer in my journal.

We were given a prompt to thank God for His sovereignty and sufficiency.

As I was writing, I reflected on what sufficiency meant to me.  To me, I always have thought of sufficient being "just enough to fill the need."  However, with God I always think of it meaning, "more than enough to fill the need."  Filling it and then overflowing the cup into the saucer and all over the table.  That kind of sufficiency.

It reminded me of the song, “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.

 As I thought of the song, I was in turn reminded of a time the song played a significant role in my life.

When I was in the hospital the second time in 6 months or so, in 2008, I remember not being able to read the bible, or even pray.  All I could do was cry.  As I went to bed that first night, I cried myself to sleep. 

In the morning, I had a little time after breakfast, then was expected to go back to the common room for some group time and other things.

I remember sitting on my bed, with the door closed (the only way they would allow us to close our doors is if we were changing).  I started at the closet overwhelmed at even the idea of pulling out any clothes to change into.  As I sat there, crying again, I remember the words of this song running through my head.  I don’t even remember hearing or singing the song before

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough.

I couldn't get it out of my head.  A day or so later, I was discharged.  Later that week I was at worship team practice, and guess what song we were singing that week?  Yup.  You guessed it...

So, now back full circle.

Enough.

Sufficient.

God used this train of though and connection of memories to bring me to thinking about the depression I have been struggling with.

Up to this point I have been very resistant to the idea that I would have to struggle with depression all my life.  I kept asking God to heal me from it, to take it away, to at least let me get off the medications I’m on.

Every time someone talked to me about this possibly being my thorn in the flesh, I would calmly tell them, “I know, this may be mine.” Just to get them to stop talking about it.

Inside, to be honest, I felt extremely angry.  I hated the thought that this was a thorn in the flesh for me – whether it was to show Christ’s strength in my weakness or not – the idea that I had to keep this, and that God wasn’t going to remove it infuriated me.  I got stuck on the "thorn in my flesh" part of the passage and never moved beyond that to see the part about Gods power being made perfect in weakness. (see 2 Cor. 12:8-10)

When I heard someone say something to me about this being my “thorn in the flesh” I would clamp down on my reactions.  I had to.  I didn’t want to take off someone’s head when they really were well meaning and only trying to encourage me.  But I could hardly stand it.

The specific question for the journal prompt Wednesday was, “How have I seen God powerfully reveal His supremacy and sufficiency to me personally?”

I reflected back to all the times in the past 3 years that God has held me up, been more than enough, filled me and empowered me.   He has carried me through all the times of despair and depression, joy and pain and peace.  He has carried me in His hands and painstakingly put me together a piece at a time.

I know He will always be working to free me and restore me.  Sometimes pieces will get put together and I won’t even be aware of it right away.

Wednesday, that is exactly what happened. 

God brought me to a point of suddenly being able to see with the eyes of my heart how He has been with me through this all.

I have agonized so long, wanting to be free of depression.  Free from needing to take medications.  I was to the point of messing with my meds, sometimes taking them, sometimes not, because I didn’t want to be on them anymore. 

I asked God why He hasn’t freed me from depression… or at least from the meds.  He has for others. 

But then I realized.

Maybe He has used my struggle with depression to get me to the point of all these different surrenders.  (Yeah, I know – duh – it takes me a while sometimes)

He opened my heart to see that He wanted me to take another step beyond the surrender two weeks ago.  He wanted me to commit to believe Him and have an active, moving forward faith and trust in Him, then wait and see what He was going to do.

Now He wanted me to surrender even more fully.

Surrender more.

Trust more.

With a faith deeper than before.

So I said it.

He used depression to get me here.

So I responded to the prompt I felt in my spirit from Him.  Obeyed Him.

I prayed.

“Ok, Lord.  I will believe You and trust You, even if I am never healed from depression, even if I always have to take medications.”

Two weeks ago the ground work was laid for this decision of my will, spoken aloud, written down to be remembered

Now what?

Now, I am learning to stand on newly healed legs.  Legs that used to be crippled, that never had been used.  Like the crippled man, who in faith stood when Peter and John told him to stand.  Who held onto them and jumped around for joy in the temple to the astonishment of all.  Healed because of his faith, one who had been crippled from birth.

Newly healed legs.  Strengthened ankles.  Feet solidly placed on the Rock.

He set my feet upon the Rock that is Him, and I am leaning against Him.  Resting.  Looking.  Learning what it feels like to actually stand on these healed legs.

Just waiting. 

And in the waiting, doing the things He has placed before me. 

Being a wife and mother.

Doing my administrative job.

Assisting on the Communications Team.

Leading worship on a Worship Team.

And, learning to really listen for my God, my Lord, my Jesus…. And be at peace.

This is truly a new place for me.

And I am overwhelmed….

By Faith....

Today was a good day.

I sat at the coffee shop after dropping off the kids at their respective schools.   I relaxed with my hazelnut breve and settled in. 

It was the first day all week that I didn’t have to rush anywhere. 

I took the time I needed to refill... to be recharged.

The last week I have felt God carrying me.  I can’t describe the peace.  I don’t know if it’s possible to even come up with the right words.

Last week I described how I felt pushed and pulled between what I knew God was wanting me to do, and what I felt He was calling me to, and what my self, my flesh was wanting to do.  I was willfully choosing not to listen to Him.

After working on my bible study some a night or so after I wrote that post, I came across something about God wanting us to start believing Him.  It was the time now, and we shouldn’t wait till tomorrow.

However, at that point as I read it, Dave was rolling over to turn out the light, so I had to wait.  I just said in my heart to God that I wasn’t putting Him off again, but logistically I needed sleep, and my husband was turning out the light.

In the morning, I headed to the coffee shop before I went up to the church to lead our morning ladies bible study.  There I sat, with my bible and bible study open, and my journal out.  I wrote to God about where I was at, what I was feeling and my hesitations.  I thought about my counseling session earlier in the week and how Tricia had been working with me, trying to help me really know and believe that even though this “thing” happened in my past, that I was still valuable, worth saving and pure. 

The more I prayed through it, I could see how God had paved the way through my study that week on my value in God’s eyes, and that He wanted me to believe that I am who He says I am.  God is so good how He orchestrates things.  There is no way that this (and other things He has done) are coincidences.

I finally surrendered last Thursday morning.  I sat in a secluded corner of the coffee shop, cried and wrote and told God that I was going to choose to believe Him.  Right then and there.  No matter what He called me to.  No matter what it looked like.  No matter what I had to leave behind.

In Hebrews 11:8 it says, “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”

I feel like God has been calling me to my promised land.  Though I do not know where I am going, I am packing up my things, getting rid of what I don’t need to weigh me down in the journey, and I am obeying.  I am going.  I don’t know where.  I don’t know what for.  I don’t know how. 

But I do know Who I am going with.  I also know that He is going to reveal more and more of Himself to me.  The more I know about Him, the more I will realize that God is that, and so much more.  I will never learn all there is to know about God. 

I am ok with that. 

I just know that since I have chosen to believe Him… every day this week… I have felt a peace that I haven’t in a long time.  I have felt a joy – not always that I’m happy – but a deeper internal “something” I can’t really describe. 

Maybe it’s a knowing I’m not alone.

Maybe it’s the feeling that I’m finally making the right choices to believe Him.

Maybe it’s that I’m finally obeying Him.

Maybe it’s that I’m not running away any more.

Maybe it’s that I’m not holding onto my past.

I am finally choosing to believe that I am fully forgiven for every past sin – completely and absolutely forgiven.  To the point that it is wiped out, demolished, destroyed.

I am finally choosing to believe daily that I have God’s child, He has a glorious inheritance for me, His incomparably great power is at work within me, He protects me under the shadow of His wing, and His love for me is far bigger, deeper, higher, and wider than I could ever imagine.

For me.

Me!

He knows me inside and out.

So do I.

He knows me better than I do, even the motives behind things I do, that I don’t even realize are there.

But He holds me tight, even when I let go of Him, he never lets go of me.

I know this because I have seen it.

I know this because for a while here I have let go of Him.  Now I am choosing to grab back onto His hand (at least with a more conscious effort than in the past months) and believe Him for every promise He has given me.  Promises He has given to all of us.

In love, we are blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, forgiven, secure, called, confident, free, anointed, able…

That is who God says we are… but there are even more things that are promises to us, just one of them being that He will never leave us or forsake us.  (Yes, even when it feels like He has, He is still there)

Personally, I have the sense that I am being called out to my promised land here on this earth.  I have a heavenly promised land, but I believe that God has a “promised land” here on earth that He wants to give me. 

All He is doing is asking me to believe Him. 

Asking me to follow where He leads. 

Asking me to take the time and really listen,

Really watch to see where He is moving, 

Where He is calling me to.

It’s not going to be in ways I expect maybe, but it is going to be great!  Because our God is a great God!

I am excited.  Scared.  Anticipating what He will do in my life.  Afraid.  Anxious.

Yet at the same time I feel this very secure sense of peace.  Yes, some things have come along this week to try to throw things into that peace.  There have been times when I have succumbed to the pressure, but each time, God has turned my eyes, heart, thoughts back to Him and the peace has invaded my soul again.

I feel like He is asking me to just stay close to Him, resting in His embrace.  I feel like I am truly covered with His feathers and finding refuge under His wings.  (see Psalm 91)  I am just standing next to Him, waiting as He points to something and says, “Try that, there.  See how this stretches you?  This is where I want you to go.”

One new little assignment He gave me that started this week.  I don’t see the big picture.  I’m not supposed to.  He does though.  I am choosing to trust.  Choosing to take the time to see what He sees and to listen like He wants me to.

I am choosing to actively believe Him.  Walking in faith.  Walking, not just believing IN God, but BELIEVING Him.  Believing Him leads to hope...

I want God to later say of me, “By faith Heather….”




Though this post is a bit late for the Walk with Him Wednesdays, I couldn't help but join in on this discussion this week, because I saw how God was working through time in my life - and asking me to take the time with Him I needed.

Please hop over to A Holy Experience and meet Ann.  You are in for a treat.