counseling and conscious shut-down...

I was planning on writing tonight about how my counseling session went with Tricia this afternoon.

I don't think I can yet.

I still need to process.

I will tell you, I was able to go back to work somehow afterward. But it wasn't pleasant, and thankfully I had less than an hour to work before I could go.

I will tell you, I spent a bit of time in the sanctuary after everyone was gone, yelling at God, feeling shame, confusion, guilt and lots of pain, mixed in with some despair too. Sure makes for a great combination (I'm kidding of course... hope you sensed the sarcasm intended there).

I will tell you that I very consciously shut down on my way home. I had to function tonight. I had to help with swim lessons. I had to somehow cope and deal with family life without falling apart.

So, I let myself yell in the sanctuary, and the car as I started my drive home. But I got to the end of a street, not far from the church and said,

"Ok, I'm done now. It's over, and I am not going to deal with this now. I can't do this tonight, I can't handle the pain. So I am done. No more tears, and no more thoughts."

And I shut it off.

Ok, so I know it's not really shut off and is still down in there somewhere.

I talked a bit to my friend Cindy D. tonight on the phone. We shared quite a bit and I had the opportunity to make a choice. I was faced with the question, do I share, or do I hold back? She asked how things went, and then quickly said that I didn't need to share. I eventually made the decision and shared with her. But for the most part, I was able to keep my emotions shut down.

Maybe I can write about it more later, once I have processed some and worked through some of the things on my own, and maybe more with Tricia this next week.

Just know I am now dealing with feelings of extreme shame and guilt on top of the grief already there.

Thank you for bearing with me as I process. It's been a long day and I am more than ready for bed, as long as my brain decides to shut down. And thank you to those of you who keep coming alongside me. I can't tell you how much it means to me!