Thursday, October 1, 2009

the end of a week, and the commissioning

I was sitting here tonight at the end of the night, ready to call it a day. I have looked around the house. Seen the mess resulting from the things I have done this week... and things I haven't done.

There have been late nights, little sleep, good intentions, some hard work, some accomplished, feeling that there is a lot more to accomplish (with not enough time). There have been good choices and bad ones. Some temptations withstood, some - well, not so much. There have been fights and anger to break up, tired kids to deal with, meals to think up... and many things that fell through the cracks.

Hopes for time away, to spend alone with God have fallen through as far as I can tell, and as far as I can plan on my own. But He knows better what I need, and where my attention and time would be best spent. So all I can do is grab what time I do have. Whether that is in the car driving somewhere, 10 minutes after I wake up, or the 10 minutes before bed, or the few moments I get alone in the bathroom, in the shower....

I know it isn't something likely to happen easily in the stage of life I am in; but what I wouldn't give to have a whole day... one whole day... to spend alone with God. No time constraints. No concerns about being home by a certain time, or guilt if I am gone too long. Somewhere I could sit and pray, sing and worship, or get flat on my face on the floor before God - sob and cry out to him as loud as I need to.

But God knows what I need. I keep saying that.
I have to.
Maybe that way I will get it drilled into my head and heart;
rather than resenting that I don't always get what I want.

I mean, for real...
I don't want to end up resenting the very gifts that God has given me. What does that say of me? What does that say of my relationship with my Father? What does that say of my trust in Jesus, or my faith in Him?

This growing and maturing thing really stinks sometimes. It's hard, it's painful, and "it's not fun in here" as a good friend of mine would say.

This stage of life I am maturing into is one of self sacrifice for others. Preferring others over self, and putting their needs and desires above my own wants. Trusting God to give what I need.

What is so hard about this is that I don't know where the line is between giving up "my stuff" to sacrifice for my family and still having an outlet and taking care of myself so that I will have something to give to my family.

Where is that line?

I suppose it is different for everyone, so I can't expect a pat answer. I just don't want to fall back into the old way of doing things where I completely forget about taking care of myself in the midst of being there for my family, doing everything I need to for them, and the extra things to help things run more smoothly (like looking for and getting a job, etc). I also don't want to seem (or be) unwilling to let go of "my" stuff, and place all my stuff and my wants and desires above my loved ones. I want them to know that they come first in my life... above all the things I could do, or other people I could be with, the activities and involvements.

I guess that was part of my dropping out of Wausau Lyric Choir. I felt like God was calling me to show my family that they are more important to me, and that I am willing to drop out of things that take away from the health of our family. That doesn't mean I won't go back (unless WLC has just been for this season, and God has something totally different for me).

I needed to show that I was willing to give up something I loved for someone else. I still have musical outlets and outside activities. It was a tearing up of roots though. It was painful. Still is.

God knows the desires of my heart, and the heart of my desires.
That's why I had to post the commissioning from the Living Proof Live Simulcast in Green Bay, WI. God keeps reminding me to delight myself in Him. He keeps reminding me that He delights in me.

So, for my sisters AND brothers who are reading this.... this is a reminder for me, and you to have faith in our Big God! Keep trusting. Keep doing the next right thing. Keep your eyes focused on Him. Even when it is scary and we can't see our next step, if we keep our eyes on Him, He will guide us through it all.

My Dear Sister (or brother!)

God has not overlooked you
He has not ignored you
He hears every petition
And intimately knows
The heart beneath it.

Give Him full access
To all your longings
Pray every single day
To become a person who delights in Him.

When it seems to disappear
Remember to check your JAW.

Are you jealous?
Are you angry?
Are you worried?

Roll it all on Jesus
He's strong enough to carry it
Big enough to handle it.

Trust God with all your heart.

Now leave this place
And go into the world
And do some GOOD.

5 comments:

Laura said...

He does know, Heather. He knows what we need.

But, oh! One whole day with Him? The thought makes me swoon. Who wouldn't want such a gift? Perhaps that is the gift--the wanting of it. It keeps me reaching for Him.

Blessings to you, my sweet friend.

Rachel B said...

Lots of thoughts here, Heather. You're so right, it is hard in this stage of life that we are in to find tha much needed alone time with God. Yet, I've found that the more I make time for Him,the more time I seem to have. Does that make any sense? Everyday life can get overwhelming somtimes...just start over the next day. :)

God does know exactly what you need! And you are blessed. Just keep seeking that balance...and He will provide.

Praying all else is well in your world today!!

Deb said...

Your words remind me of Paul's words about Him.

In Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3: 12).

Whatever our circumstances.

Wherever we are.

However much time we have or don't have.

We can go to Him.

He waits for us. Longs for us. Loves us.

Sweet dreams.

stephseef said...

Scott has become quite the road cyclist - hundreds of miles a week when he's on his game - he loves it. Being able to ride that far and that long has everything to do with how the body is fueled... you have to learn the pacing and the input of calories needed to maintain the proper pace. When I had our third child, I felt as though I had hit a brick wall - I was perpetually exhausted, felt as though I never had a moment to myself, LONGED to get away for a day alone with the Lord, all the while dealing with the new reality of my life, that because I was no longer on a church staff, I didn't even have the luxury of time alone in the van. While sharing this with Scott, through many tears, he shared a simple truth with me that I have carried in my heart daily since then:

'Steph, you have to learn to refuel ON THE BIKE.'

For some reason, that was profound to me. Life with fall conferences, staff retreats, and full days of spiritual training has come to a halt - FOR NOW. Ruth Graham used to keep her Bible open on the kitchen counter so that she could grab ANY moment that availed itself to her to hear from God in His word. She knew that with all the little ones underfoot she wouldn't be able to grab the chunks of time she had once loved. Yet God, in His faithfulness, continued to meet her - and in new ways - in her new reality. He has done the same for me. Would I still love to grab a Bible and my journal and a thermos of coffee and escape? Heck yes. Do I have the space for that? Not often. Makes it all the more precious when I do!

The other thing the Lord has done is taught me of Himself through my kids. Engaging with them is a huge part of my discipleship training these days. I am learning, and praying the same for you!

Wisconsin Farmgirl said...

Hello Heather!
It is good to meet you here in blogger-land! I love your blog, and your heart and I hope we can get to know each other better. "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path." Praise him!!
Allison