I was sitting here tonight at the end of the night, ready to call it a day. I have looked around the house. Seen the mess resulting from the things I have done this week... and things I haven't done.
There have been late nights, little sleep, good intentions, some hard work, some accomplished, feeling that there is a lot more to accomplish (with not enough time). There have been good choices and bad ones. Some temptations withstood, some - well, not so much. There have been fights and anger to break up, tired kids to deal with, meals to think up... and many things that fell through the cracks.
Hopes for time away, to spend alone with God have fallen through as far as I can tell, and as far as I can plan on my own. But He knows better what I need, and where my attention and time would be best spent. So all I can do is grab what time I do have. Whether that is in the car driving somewhere, 10 minutes after I wake up, or the 10 minutes before bed, or the few moments I get alone in the bathroom, in the shower....
I know it isn't something likely to happen easily in the stage of life I am in; but what I wouldn't give to have a whole day... one whole day... to spend alone with God. No time constraints. No concerns about being home by a certain time, or guilt if I am gone too long. Somewhere I could sit and pray, sing and worship, or get flat on my face on the floor before God - sob and cry out to him as loud as I need to.
But God knows what I need. I keep saying that.
I have to.
Maybe that way I will get it drilled into my head and heart;
rather than resenting that I don't always get what I want.
I mean, for real...
I don't want to end up resenting the very gifts that God has given me. What does that say of me? What does that say of my relationship with my Father? What does that say of my trust in Jesus, or my faith in Him?
This growing and maturing thing really stinks sometimes. It's hard, it's painful, and "it's not fun in here" as a good friend of mine would say.
This stage of life I am maturing into is one of self sacrifice for others. Preferring others over self, and putting their needs and desires above my own wants. Trusting God to give what I need.
What is so hard about this is that I don't know where the line is between giving up "my stuff" to sacrifice for my family and still having an outlet and taking care of myself so that I will have something to give to my family.
Where is that line?
I suppose it is different for everyone, so I can't expect a pat answer. I just don't want to fall back into the old way of doing things where I completely forget about taking care of myself in the midst of being there for my family, doing everything I need to for them, and the extra things to help things run more smoothly (like looking for and getting a job, etc). I also don't want to seem (or be) unwilling to let go of "my" stuff, and place all my stuff and my wants and desires above my loved ones. I want them to know that they come first in my life... above all the things I could do, or other people I could be with, the activities and involvements.
I guess that was part of my dropping out of Wausau Lyric Choir. I felt like God was calling me to show my family that they are more important to me, and that I am willing to drop out of things that take away from the health of our family. That doesn't mean I won't go back (unless WLC has just been for this season, and God has something totally different for me).
I needed to show that I was willing to give up something I loved for someone else. I still have musical outlets and outside activities. It was a tearing up of roots though. It was painful. Still is.
God knows the desires of my heart, and the heart of my desires.
That's why I had to post the commissioning from the Living Proof Live Simulcast in Green Bay, WI. God keeps reminding me to delight myself in Him. He keeps reminding me that He delights in me.
So, for my sisters AND brothers who are reading this.... this is a reminder for me, and you to have faith in our Big God! Keep trusting. Keep doing the next right thing. Keep your eyes focused on Him. Even when it is scary and we can't see our next step, if we keep our eyes on Him, He will guide us through it all.
My Dear Sister (or brother!)
God has not overlooked you
He has not ignored you
He hears every petition
And intimately knows
The heart beneath it.
Give Him full access
To all your longings
Pray every single day
To become a person who delights in Him.
When it seems to disappear
Remember to check your JAW.
Are you jealous?
Are you angry?
Are you worried?
Roll it all on Jesus
He's strong enough to carry it
Big enough to handle it.
Trust God with all your heart.
Now leave this place
And go into the world
And do some GOOD.