Friday, August 14, 2009

She Ponders, She's Terrified... She Speaks Part 6

Then it was time to get up and start a new day. I was looking forward to all I would learn and the people I would meet, and the ways that God might speak to me this day....

I settled in Saturday morning, not distracted by worry or concern (yet) about my talk that evening for the speaker evaluation group.

I had been praying for God to give me one thing to take home from She Speaks, and felt like He had really given it to me the night before, through the prayer room. Not only had He healed in the past, but He HEALS now and in the future.

But I was still expectant to learn things from the speakers and sessions of the day. Little did I know that God was going to give me several more "one things" to take home with me!

Wendy Pope got up and spoke that morning about "What to do in the W.A.I.T." When we feel we have been given something, a dream beyond our horizons or abilities to bring to fruition, what happens next? She reminded us to not ask what happens next, but ask God what happens now. What's my everyday with him now? Do I have to give up my dreams? Sacrifice them for a season for someone else?

Hmm. Maybe. Maybe I do. I have to serve Him in my now, and give those dreams up. Not that I give them up, hopelessly, figuring I will never get them back... but give them into His hands.

His capable, nail-scarred hands. His hands that gave up dreams (humanly speaking) of being the Messiah, when He died. But His hands impart life to all of us now, because He gave up the dreams, His very life, as a sacrifice for someone else... for us.

His hands are more than capable of restoring those dreams to us, after we have faithfully served Him in the now. There is so much good in the waiting.

Work out our salvation
Accept the invitation to move
Invite others to be a part of your calling
Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Pray and follow hard after His leading in the now. Move ahead, even when it seems impossible, and way bigger than where you presently are. Open up your eyes to see who God has placed around you to come alongside, someone who "gets" your calling. Even if you feel like you are running away from your calling, because of circumstances around you (if you are sacrificing them for a time for someone else) know, intimately know that God is good... know it so much with your head and deeply with your heart, so much that you can almost taste Him.

After our opening general session, I went to Lysa's break out session on "The Power of a Story." There was so much good technical information there, and she shared so many stories and how she has used them. One statement she said really resonated with me.

"We need to be living lives that have stories."

As I thought about that phrase, I finished up the break out session and moved on to my next one.

Then I started hearing God. He was impressing something on me.
I ignored Him and went into my next session.

"Living lives that have stories."

I took notes during the next session, but my anxiety was building and it was extremely difficult to concentrate.

God kept after me the whole session.
I continued to ignore Him.

"Lives that have stories."

By the time that second breakout session was done, and we were heading into lunch, my stomach was in knots.

I knew what God wanted me to do.
I didn't want to do it!


I trembled at the strength of His voice. Fear was stretching its cold fingers around my heart. Panic had my hands sweating, and I felt like I had been running a marathon.

With all my effort, I pulled myself together enough to walk in the door, sit at the nearest table, at an empty place. I ate quickly. Then got up and left. I skipped the dessert and headed for my room.

I stopped, and tried to distract myself from God, by looking at the book table. But again I was looking at it with unseeing eyes, as I tried to argue with God. The more I argued in my head, the stronger His voice got. The stronger His voice got, the more fear invaded me.

I know the enemy was using that fear to try to drown out God.
But the Holy Spirit wasn't going to let that happen.

I finally headed up to my room. I headed straight for my bed, and threw my bag of stuff down on it. I sat at the end of the bed, just wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep. (It's an escape for me...) I slid off bed, sinking to the floor, wondering at what I was contemplating. I pulled out my 5 min. talk and read through it again.

I kept telling God, "No, I don't want to do this. My talk is fine. It's timed out. It's what it needs to be, and I don't want to change it!"

He listened, but was still firm that I needed to change it and start it with a story. That doesn't seem so big, but I knew which story He wanted me to put in.

I finally listened, and quickly wrote, in pencil, over the top of what I had already written and printed out. I wrote out the story that He wanted me to. I knew I had to keep it short, but had to really share it well, so that others could grasp it without me going into too much detail.

It was painful, it was dramatic, and it definitely impacted how I viewed God's love for me. It tied in directly with my talk through Romans 8:35 and 37.

I left my room shaking, and headed for my break out session. I was scared. I mean, not just anxious or slightly panicky. Scared. Stiff. I wanted to be transparent with my story, and I was the night before. But to share this? To give details? To try to weave it in, when I had no time to really practice it, pray it through, anything? Oh, I was terrified. This felt way too exposed, too vulnerable.

I couldn't believe that God would want me to share this story. I referred to it when I originally wrote the talk at home, but didn't give details. Now God was really wanting me to spell it out? Really?

I was still afraid that I was making it up in my head. I was still afraid that I was taking something that could be too "sensational" and that it would distract from the rest of the message I really felt led to share.

Isn't it funny how God uses things like the next break out session to confirm exactly what He wanted you to do?

(to be continued...)


Jill said...

Heather, I so enjoy reading your story. The way God worked is amazing and as I read your "story" from She SPeaks it reminds me of my own. I needed that reminder today. I believe you told me to pray on the armor of God because satan would strike once this was through and that is so true in my life right now. I just wish I could rise above, but it can be so hard. Why does satan seem to scream when God is whispering? Looking forward to part 7, Jill

Jess said...

heather -

oh gosh. i want to know what He told you to share...whatever it was, i KNOW He used it mightily...because you have such a gift with words...

i need to keep rereading all She Speaks posts that you've written - they speak to me.


Deb said...

Are you using techniques that Lysa taught you?

Stop. Stop. Stop.

I want the rest of the story.


Sweet dreams.