Well, I made my decision.
After how hard yesterday was, I went to bed. I was freezing cold by the time I got there and it took a long time for me to warm up, but I finally did and fell asleep.
I woke up out of a dead sleep, drenched with sweat and with my heart racing. I don't remember what the dream was that woke me up, I know there was something there as I fought to wake up, but am grateful not to remember it.
I had to get up and completely change clothes and sit for a bit to calm down.
I had at least 2 more panic attacks at work today, and finally after talking with a good friend on the phone, and then my friend from last night in person, they both urged me to do the same thing. They suggested I make a call to my counselor's office and leave a message for her to call me back when she could.
Within the hour, she called back and I told her about yesterday, the memories and their vividness and pain, and the panic attacks, and the dream last night. When she had heard it all and found that I wasn't scheduled to see her until nearly 2 weeks from now, she started looking for another appointment for me. There were two next week, but as we talked she had a cancellation for 3pm tomorrow.
So I am off to see Tricia tomorrow afternoon.
I am frustrated because I feel like I am disappointing people. I am also afraid I am blowing things out of proportion and am making a mountain out of a mole hill. I am afraid it's all nothing, and afraid that it is something. Hmm. Seems like fear is ruling here... and in reality, perfect love drives out fear.... Boy God, do I need to cling to Your love right now!!!!
Please pray for me tomorrow, that my anxiety and fear won't kick in so bad that I am paralyzed as I try to talk to Tricia. Pray also for my son. He wasn't feeling good tonight, and if he stays home sick from school tomorrow, it is going to complicate things to say the least! I am just praying for health for Peter and that this night's sleep will work a miracle for him, because he was running a fever when he went to bed.
Pray for peace for me, and just the ability to trust God through yet another thing I have to work through.
So, yesterday I didn't know what to do about calling Tricia and trying to get another appointment, and today, because of how I was reacting to things and what my condition was, the decision was almost made for me.
I guess it becomes one less thing to worry about and stress about cause it is now out of my hands. Praying for a more restful night than last night, and for a day with a bit of peace somewhere in the middle of it, time with God before I have to go to my appointment.