Saturday, February 28, 2009

Where am I?

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that I have been a bit MIA this week… these past few weeks. I have wanted to write. I have wanted to visit all my friends. I just haven’t had the words to frame my thoughts with. I have had lots of thoughts and emotions… but no words were enough to put them into.

I don’t know that I have many words now. I had a hard enough time coming up with words for this last weeks post for our “Yes to God” study.

My heart is aching. My head is aching. I feel pretty broken. Frustrated with myself. Tired. Weary. Worn.

My body hurts, my mind hurts, my heart hurts, my soul hurts. I feel pain and am confused with why I would find this depression grasping at me so greedily.

I feel like giving up the fight and just letting go.

I won’t because I know that God has not let go of me. I know He won’t. I know that He will give me rest when I need it and the courage to keep going when I need to. He has not let go of me, nor given me permission or freedom to let go of Him. He has called me to keep going… how, I don’t know. I have no idea of how to keep going when I am so tired.

I have been finding myself withdrawing.

Praise God for a good friend who has been pursuing… checking her email during the times of the week and weekend she never would normally, and staying up late last night, opening a window of time we could talk… when normally she would be sleeping… talking with me tonight after a day of studying and time with God, sharing her insights and thoughts and taking the time to pray with me, pray for me as I collapsed sobbing on the kitchen floor.

Please, for those of you who will read this tonight and tomorrow… pray for me. I need to be able to focus tomorrow at church. I want so much to hear from God and I want to be able to be undistracted and clear-minded as I seek His face there.

I also am going to spend some (hopefully) deep time in the Word and study and prayer tomorrow. I am going to either hole up at the coffee shop, or if I get too emotional, come home and hole up here.

I really need to soak in God’s presence and hear from Him, not just talk at Him or occupy myself with stuff about Him. (if that makes sense)

Thank you for praying for me and for being patient and coming back here periodically to see how I am doing.

I hope that I will be able to write more soon… because writing has been a balm for my soul… a God given one, I believe. I hope that He will give me words back. Soon.

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