Friday, July 29, 2011

Drained dry of words


It's been over a month since my last post!

I didn't realize how long it's been.

I have run out of words.  I read almost daily, but only light stuff.  Stuff to make me laugh a bit before I fall asleep at night.

This has been a busy month, and that in part, drained my words.

We moved.  Packing boxes every night, taking loads to the new house at least two or three times a week, and still trying to live life is more than a load to carry.  Last weekend was the final push and we have all the main stuff and are sleeping/living at the farm now, in the ranch style house.  It is about double the footage of the house we were in, and has a full basement besides.

Of course, my in-laws are still in the process of downsizing and moving out.  As I have moved things in, I have been packing her things up.  My mother came and helped me here, cleaning and organizing to get more put away.  My father worked for two days at the other house tearing up the bathroom floor, preparing to replace it.  He has to come up again to finish it.

Now that we are here and moved, our priority has to be working to get the other house ready to sell.  It was too small to attempt while we were still living in it, so now we have to clean there and get the outside ready too.  We can settle this house later... we have all our life to do that!

Another thing that has drained my words is the feelings of disconnect from God.  When I don't feel connected to Him, I don't feel inspired.  When I don't pray anything but "pop corn" prayers, I don't fell like I even have what it takes.

And I wonder.  Does it matter?  Who am I writing for anyway?

Am I doing this blog thing just for me?  Am I helping anyone?  Am I doing with it what God wants me to?

It's hard to write here when I don't write much in my journals right now either. 

Yes, I know. It's a phase of life.  It's the middle of the first summer that I can really say I have been enjoying my kids and my family and it's going too fast.  We have moved, in and of itself that is a huge thing too.

Writing may take a back seat.  But at the same time, I feel like I am really missing something by not writing... by not taking the time to exercise that part of me.

I am NOT closing down my blog, but my amount of writing is going to be a bit lower, because in reality, I have very little time right now.  I am very tired physically, so the thought of staying up much later than the kids to write (as I know some people are able to) is too much for me.  That also makes it very hard to get up early, before them, to write too.

I am struggling to find time in the morning, in my day at all, to spend with God.  That has to come before any writing. He is my inspiration for writing, so I can't write without His inspiration.  I mean, I can write, but it would all just be drivel.

So I am going to continue to write, allowing Him to inspire me, move me, working in my head and heart to share as I continue to walk on the road with Him.

I just have to put Him first.  Sounds so easy, but in the busyness of life, it is so, so easy to become distracted.

I am quite easily distracted. 

Please bear with me as I attempt to go to God first with everything.

I am praying for God to fill up my soul.  I need His help to remember to go to Him first.  I need Him to renew me when I am tired, for only then will I be able to do all that I want to, or rather all that He wants me to.

This renewal thing.  Hard when I feel I have to keep "doing" all the time.  But the doing has left me dry and wordless.  Even this writing, trying to explain what is going on - this even feels dry and empty... like I am pulling random thoughts out and not one is of much consequence.

Don't get me wrong.  This has been one of the best summers I have had.  The depression hits me sometimes, but not as hard and not as often.  I am able to enjoy my family and friends.  I have been praising God for the changes He has been making in me.  But I still feel distant, removed from Him.  It takes hard work to focus on Him and everything else ends up getting in the way, and then I get impatient with myself and others.

So, please pray that as I try to rest in Him and focus on Him, that I will really be able to let go and do just that.

We are going on vacation in about 7 days... to North Carolina, to the ocean.  My kids (ages 7 and 5) first plane ride.  I can't wait.  I know it's going to be fun.  I just want to come back rested and unworried, and closer to God than when I left!  (I say that because I know most people need to take a vacation to recover from their vacation!)

I don't know how much internet access or time I will have to write while I am gone, and in this week of preparation, I don't know how much time I will have to write.  Please pray for us... for safety, for the kids to love the plane, not be afraid of it... for an incredible time at the beach.  Please pray also for health for us.  My husbands mother just is getting over a bad cold that turned into an ear infection.  We don't want to go that route for any of us, and I am feeling "under the weather" to say the least.

Thank you for reading my ramblings.  Hopefully as I feel closer to God and get more inspiration from Him, my posts won't be so random, and won't be so rambling!