Friday, September 2, 2011

Rest? How do you quiet the guilt to really rest?

I haven't joined in here before, but I saw a friend's post telling about it and the word struck my heart today because it is exactly what I am feeling.

Gypsy Mama has a "five minute Friday" every week.  She shares a word and then you take five minutes, no more or less, and free write, with no editing, on a word she chooses.  This week the word was REST.

As I have been getting up early with the kids each day, I am still exhausted.  My eyes are crossing trying to look at the screen and its only 8am. I don't want to get rid of the exhaused feeling with a latte (homemade) just yet, because then I am not listening to what my body is trying to tell me....

I wrote below a bit of what my turmoil is and what is currently keeping me from sliding back into bed.

I am going to link up to Gypsy Mama's post, and you can go over there and see what else others have been writing about, as well as the "rules" if you want to join in.

Preface, my writing went over the five minutes, I think I wrote 7 minutes instead, but had to get that last thought out.  :)

Here we go............

This is my second day with both kids in school.

I don't know what to do.  Yesterday I feel like I did a fat lot of nothing. I didn't clean (well I loaded the dishwasher and did a quiet time and unloaded the dishwasher and made supper and ran errands first thing in the morning).

I realized when I went to bed, that though I took a few moments to rest here and there throughout my day i didn't really rest.

See, we have a house in town that we need to sell. but we need to get it all cleaned up and ready to go and it's no where near ready to go.  I really need to go into town on my 2 days off without kids and scrub the bathroom so i can caulk around the tub.  I need to clean windows and finish cleaning the kitchen and clean the floors, powerwash the deck and the outside of the house.....

And where does rest come into all of this?

I run from one thing to another Monday through Wednesday. Then I come home and have Thursday and Friday off and Saturday and Sunday are devoted to family and church and I can't make myself pull away.

What is it that makes me feel guilty for taking time to rest?

I need the quiet. I need the time to spend time with God.  Just Him and me not Him and me and laundry, or Him and me and cleaning either house!  I need to hear His still, small voice.

But I feel guilty.
Why can't I rest at home in the time I have to rest?

Do I hear a voice in the back of my head telling me I need to get this house under control and keep it clean? Do I hear another voice asking me if I have the other house ready to sell? (that would be a very big YES to both those questions!)

I want to feel the freedom to rest, and feel the peace that passes understanding the "be still and know I am God" type of rest.

I need to somehow feel like i can rest, take a nap, sleep in, (or go back to bed) and not feel guilty about it or that someone is judging me for it.  I need to find a space here, in this house, that I can curl up and rest in Him without feeling guilt.

How do I unplug from this cycle of "do something" or feel guilt?

I am going to have to go try finding a place, here at home, where I can chill and not do anything but listen for Gods still small voice. 

....but it won't be my kitchen! That has 2 five gallon pails of fresh picked tomatoes that need something done with them....


Stacie said...

This is SO my struggle! I'm glad you joined in Five Minute Friday today. :)

Anonymous said...

Finding a few minutes to spend with God can be a struggle, and we need that quiet time so we can read His word and hear His voice. But, I've learned He doesn't mind helping us with our chores. Although, my favorite time to spend with Him while doing something is when I work on a quilt. I hope you find the time you want/need. Quilted blessings. ~Nita

Amy LivinginHarmony said...

It seem now that I am an "empty-nester" that I have a lot of time to myself but I never feel rested. I know it is because I do not make the effort to sit quietly at Jesus' feet learning but instead I sit in front of the noise of the TV, radio or computer. I am trying to be more aware of taking the time to spend with HIm.