Friday, May 13, 2011

Afraid to dream?

I read somewhere today about dreaming dreams. 

You know, what kind of dreams and aspirations you have.  What are you longing for, dreaming for, wanting so badly you can practically taste it?

One of the prompts at the end of the post was this:

“Lay out your dreams before the Lord, asking which are His dreams too or which might not be in His will.”

I started thinking about it and wondered, do I have any dreams to dream?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe I am afraid to dream.  Does that make any sense at all?  I mean, here I am, after all these year, finally feeling really free to do the things God has called me to….


And what?

I wrote in my journal that I am afraid to dream.  I can think of a lot of reasons from my past why I would or should be afraid to dream.  There have been times where dreams have gotten squashed.  There is a varied past that the enemy would love to throw up in my face,  or use to haunt me too.

Mistakes made.
Words said.
Things done.

But that any of that would hold me back from dreaming is a lie.

I am learning to minister where I am right now in a new capacity, feeling new wings underneath me.  I am learning what it means to be a wife and mom free from my past and leading worship, being the administrator at our church, leading a women’s Bible study each semester.

To think too far ahead is scary.  I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know if I can even dream anything.  And if I dream it, can I do it?  (I know, apart from God I can’t… but you know what I mean)

I haven’t hardly spoken or thought about any dreams that I might have with anyone, much less with God.  So to lay out any dreams before God to see if they are in His will or not - that’s scary - because I feel like I would have to really commit to something then.

I feel like God still has me in this “wait” pattern yet, but at the same time, I have to be preparing myself.  How and with what, or rather for what, I don’t know.

Looking down deeper now, I an see a couple of dreams.  Some of them aren’t dependent on me, so I won’t share them here.  However, some are.  One of them is seeing my kids becoming sold out for Christ.  I want to see them really love Him and follow Him of their own will and decision, not because I do, or because I make them go to church, but because they really want to.

That’s a dream, so I guess that I’m not too afraid of dreaming.

In ANOTHER POST at A Holy Experience today I read something that also really hit me that I have to include here.  Her husband is a farmer and is in the process of planting his fields...

"This is what the Farmer is doing: he’s cutting the soil open. The sharp edge of the disk slashes the ground wide open. And Jesus, he bears scars and what is torn open in our lives, it can seem like destruction. Yet.
Out of the lancing of our fields, life will unfurl.
Out of the scars of Christ, our salvation comes.
Out of what seems to ruin our lives, our very rescue can begin.
The resurrection people know it: The tearing open can be the beginning of triumph." (Ann Voskamp)

I have had some pretty deep “tearing open” of my own these past years.  I feel light years from that now, and yet closer too.  New life is springing forth for me now, in me. 

New green shoots springing from newly turned over ground.  Tender and easily bruised, but full of such promise.  They need to be treated tenderly.  What the fruit will be that these shoots hold, I don’t yet know. 

Maybe they are the birth of new dreams for me.  These new shoots in me need to be treated tenderly, protected from the lies from the past and present that would trample over them, crushing them back into the ground.

God, help me not be afraid to let these green shoots continue to spring up and grow.  You planted the seeds in me that they have come from.  Lord, help me root them deep into the soil of Your guidance, and feed and water them with Your Word and Truth.  Help me not cave into the lies, worries of what others may think, or fear of failure.  Help me cling to You and listen for Your voice.  Help me to keep everything laid bare out before You so You can see it all, expose any lies or sins, so that I can know that I am in Your will.  Help me walk out in faith.  To put action towards those dreams in the steps that You show me from day to day.  Because I am on the road with You, Jesus.  Now I want to start WALKING on that road, not just sitting or standing on it… I want to move forward along the way You show me.  Amen.

1 comment:

Clay Feet said...

This is so powerful and encouraging. I too have been afraid to dream for most of my life. But at the same time I remember that even dreams from God usually need time for Him to bring to full fruit. We can damage dreams if we try to overload them with immediate expectations too early. You don't pile fertilizer on top of sprouts in the ground. You wait patiently as the roots deepen over time and allow God to mature them to full strength. Wonderful post Heather.