On the Road... walking with Jesus

Preparing...

2011-11-18T13:45:00.001-06:00

For the next Three Weeks might we explore: The Practice of Preparing… What does it look like to prepare our hearts for God? How do we prepare our families and homes to encounter God afresh this holiday season? How do we intentionally, prayerfully prepare for holy-days? The whole community looks forward to your prayerful reflections stories, ideas….

From Ann Voskamp's post on Wednesday

That question caught me. Arrested my attention. Tugged at my heart.

Especially today. Today we received our packet from Compassion International about our child from Ecuador that we are newly sponsoring. Not only has he been waiting for over 6 months for a sponsor and never had one before, we have never been sponsors before. I have been waiting to BE a sponsor for over 6 months.

How do we prepare our family, our home to encounter God afresh this holiday season? How do I?

Its something I struggle with, because with little kids, it becomes a "what can I get, what do I want, how much can I get..." type of season.

I don't want that. More than ever, I don't want that. I want them to be thankful for all they have. Not yearning for the material things they don't.

I know someone else who is yearning for things they don't have. Me. Dave. It seems to come so naturally for us.... why shouldn't the kids pick up on it too? Its all over our culture, and I can lay blame at the feet of our consumerism culture.

But I am to blame too for they learn it in the home first. They learn it from me when I buy whatever I want at the moment. They learn it from me when they hear me talking about wanting something for the house we don't have. They learn it from me when I tell them "no" when they ask for something, but when I want something (not need) I say "yes" to myself.

What kind of mixed message is that?

How do I prepare them to encounter Christ? Not just this season, but always.

By taking advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.

Last week, talking to Peter during the service when he opted to stay with me rather than go to childrens church. Answering his questions. Helping him understand what Communion means, allowing him to take it with me, to break the bread with me then and talk about it after. Hearing the desire to do it again hidden in his voice as we talked.

This past week and a half as we have prayed for this one boy in Ecuador who needs someone so badly to love him and sponsor him, to pray for him. Explaining what it means for him to live where he does, how he does, to the best of my ability. Sharing pictures taken by the team of bloggers who were in Ecuador last week.

Teaching them somehow to let go of the tight grasp they have on their "things" to give away the good stuff, not just the old, ratty toys and stuffed animals they have, but the new. The things they might want, but not need. If they don't want it cause it's old, or dirty, or broken why would someone else want it?

I want Peter and Marina to learn what it means to be blessed with more grace and joy by God out of giving rather than receiving.

I want them to understand how blessed we are by God to have all the things that we scatter willy-nilly through the rooms of this house. I want them to know the POWER behind giving thanks in everything. The good and the bad.

These kids of ours. They aren't extraordinarily selfish or out of balance. They are like any other kid their age. But I want them to have hearts of compassion. They are tender-hearted and I want them to be tender out of compassion for others to the point of wanting to DO something to help them.

They can learn more about God and encounter more of Jesus in the naming of the gifts we have been given.

I am not really sure how to help them encounter Jesus this season. But maybe showing them my heart in giving with help. Allowing them to see my tears as I pray for this brother of theirs in Ecuador. I hope that this year they can see Jesus more clearly. Not just from how this time of year seems to promote a "magical" quality in everything... but by really seeing Jesus, and what this season is for.

I struggle with it every year, but for some reason this year seems particularly hard for me. We want to do so much for them, but really there is no way to "compete" with other things we know are going to be given. And I don't want to compete.

I would rather they didn't get anything at all, but instead gave things away.

I never learned that as a child.
Not how to let go easily.

I don't want them stuck in the mindset of getting and having to learn as an adult how to give.

Not that I don't want to gift them with presents and things, because I do. I love seeing their faces when they open up something they really want. I want to see them savor the moment.

But.

I want to see their faces when they see someone else open up something they really wanted, that Peter and Marina have given. I want to see Peter and Marina savor the moment of giving.... and find really, true joy in that moment. A joy that they will keep giving to receive more of.

Oh the joy that comes in the thanking God for everything. The good, bad and ugly.

The bigger house. The large yard. Family close by. The sun streaming in the livingroom window.

The mess of toys and art supplies on the floor that I keep tripping on cause the kids didn't put them away. The mounds of laundry to be done - because we actually have clothes that need cleaning. The spiders that make the cobwebs that drape our corners and ceilings no matter how often I sweep them and wipe them away - because we have an abundance of wood in our basement to put in our wood furnace to heat the house through the winter. The dirty kitchen floor and counters - because we have a family to feed and food to do it with.

Fingerprinted windows to clean --- kids to print those windows up in their pointing and waving and pressing up to see out at birds and snowflakes.
Litterbox to change --- cats to curl up on our feet and laps when we settle down together.
Light bulbs to switch out --- we have electricity and the ability to light our house at night.
Carpet to vacuum --- people who are able to run in and out of the house to play or work and track in their day with them.
Beds to make --- loved ones to fill those beds, and somewhere warm and cozy to lie at night.

As I make my lists, the load of things to "do" becomes lighter and I can do it with a smile, because it is a joy to do these things because I have someone to do them for.

More and more blessings and gifts from God.
All becomes grace.
All is grace.

Oh that my kids will learn that. That is how they will be more prepared to encounter God this season. Naming the gifts. Thanking God for everything.

Lord, teach me how to teach them out of what you have been teaching me!!! Fill up the holes that I will leave, have left, the gaps, and reveal yourself to them. Help them find the balance of enjoying what they have been given, and giving away to others. Help them learn their wants from their needs, and understand that it isn't wrong to have desires, or have those desires met, but not to worship anything or desire anything more than they worship You and desire You.

Show me the balance. Fill up my holes. Help me worship and bow down to You first and always and only.

God, sanctifly me through and through until I reflect only You.

Jesus, let this boy from Ecuador entering our lives right now, at this season help change us all and open our eyes to see all we have been blessed with, gifted with out of Your lavish grace, and help us lavish it on him, and others that cross our paths.

Prepare our hearts to see and receive You this season... and to respond back to you with joy and thanks.

Gifts given

2011-11-07T15:47:00.000-06:00

Yes, I know....

Yet again I want to apologize for being away from my blog for so long. I have seen and heard and read time and again that it is bad for your blog when you aren't regular with your posting.

I agree.

Yet.

I haven't been here.

I have wanted to write. I have a desire to write. I get thoughts and ideas come into my head. They sound wonderful at the moment, but when it comes down to taking the time out to actually write? It doesn't happen.

Life has been good. It's been full. Living in a bigger house, getting our other one ready to sell and listed, keeping up with the kids in school, trying to stay connected to Dave and them, well it hasn't left much time for other things. By the time the kids are in bed for the night, Dave and I get ready for bed and collapse to read or talk or both for a little bit on our bed, and our lights are generally out pretty early.

That's big for me. I used to be the one who would stay up until at least midnight. That was when I was doing all my writing. I needed that time alone.

But now, well yes, I do need time alone. But I am spending a lot of it with God. And when I'm not alone, I am spending it with my family. I can't concentrate enough to write with them around.

As much as it bothers me not to be on here more, I feel like God is telling me its ok. There was a time when I needed to write to process through things. Now I am more healed than I've ever been, I am spending a majority of my time with my family and not getting too overwhelmed by them or by life in general. This is where I need to be right now. I am learning to be ok with that.

I have some things stirring around in this head of mine. Maybe they will eventually make it out onto the blog. God is still at work in me, refining as always. It good, hard at times, but good.

The main reason I am on here today though is to share my thanks.

I am learning the joy of gratitude.

I have been reading Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts." Her encouragement to start counting the little things, from the sun streaming through the window, splashing on the carpet, to a quiet day at the church, to tickle fights with the kids, to quiet reading in bed with Dave has started a good work in me...

Honestly, it is transforming me.

Her book is amazing, but beyond that the TRUTH that I am hearing from God and what it is doing to me is nearly beyond description. For now, just take a moment and look at the book. Go to THIS SITE and take a look at the first chapter for free. I did, and then just had to buy the book. I am slowly working my way through it, but after reading the second chapter, I knew God was calling me to start my own list of gifts - working my way to one thousand and beyond.

Here is my contribution to the naming of gifts today. Note, I am not starting at #1 because well, I am currently over 200 and that would make this into a loooooonngggg post! :-)

I will spare you all of that....

But I will start where I was at on Saturday and give you my named gifts from then to now. These weren't all the gifts, but many of them passed before I could record them. I have to get more practiced at this!

#261. The chance to sleep in a bit.
#262. Making soft boiled eggs upon request from my son
#263. Peter playing on the computer
#264. He can play kids game on there BY HIMSELF now!
#265. Sun in Marina's hair
#266. Kids singing along to music
#267. Conviction from God to sponsor a Compassion child
#268. Pastor Casey (our new pastor of Children and Youth ministries) coming today.
#269. Sun up before the kids has to go out to for the bus (because of daylight savings ending)
#270. Apple butter on toast (need I say more?)
#271. Marina learning and singing worship songs in church
#272. Hearing her singing those same songs at home later.
#273. Teaching Peter how to play checkers
#274. Quiet, peaceful, God-filled day at church while I work

God is so good. Take the time to notice the gifts He gives you. Just your very next breath is a gift. Name it. Name every gift. It brings a joy and a reminder of the deep grace we are given.

Check out Ann's most recent post as she prepares to go with her husband on a trip to Ecuador with Compassion International.

Blessing is a cycle...

2011-09-14T16:24:00.001-05:00

Blessing is a cycle.

When we bless someone else, we get a blessing in return.

So, what about with God?

Many times in the Bible we are called to bless the Lord. In Psalm 134 the word “bless” is used threetimes. Twice the Psalm entreats us to“bless the Lord.”

However the last time it is used, it is a blessing spoken on us… “Maythe Lord bless you…”

Yesterday I finished up the Bible study I was working on through thesummer. “Stepping Up,” by Beth Moore.

The last couple of days she made the point that blessing is a cyclewith God, not just with one another. Itis a lopsided cycle, but a cycle nonetheless.

In faith we come into God’s presence, blessing Him, honoring Him,praising Him, worshiping Him. Then Heresponds, longing to bless us, opening His hands to us to give blessing. And we walk away.

How many times have I gone into worship, struggling to remove thedistractions so that I could truly bless God, truly praise Him, and then walkedout and later felt empty? I felt blessedat the time of the service, in the service filled and at peace, joy in myheart. Once I left the building, headedhome and back to my “life” I felt empty and restless, with the worries of lifepressing in again.

I can spend my time in the Bible, studying and praying in the morning,but it doesn’t seem to carry over into my day, to relate at all to anything Iam actually doing and encountering in the day.

Not all the time, but it seems to happen more often than I want toadmit.

Beth said that many times we come out of our times of blessing God andleave His blessings for us behind.

Think about that for a moment.

If blessing really is a cycle, we bless God, He blesses us and backagain, why would we not want to take His blessings with us?

We praise God and bless Him, honor Him and lift up His name, and thenHe pours out His blessing upon us.

It is hard for this little brain of mine to comprehend how it allworks. I offer up my pitiful attempts tobless God, and then His infinite mercy and grace are flooded over me. How can I possibly walk away from a timelike that and not be blessed?

And yet…

Many times I blindly stumble out of my times with God, leaving behindHis mercy and grace, all flooded over and dripping on the floor. I come out forgetting I was drenched, feelingdry as a bone.

Yesterday, after reading Beth’s words the night before was a whole newday. Monday I was those dry bones. Yesterday, these dry bones were dancing,washed and covered over by the flood of His grace. His blessings washed away the doubts, fearsand stress of the day before and I was free.

All I had to do was ask. All Ihad to do was ask God to help me walk out of my time with Him with Hisblessings in my hands. I opened my handsand gave Him all my garbage, all my worries, all my stress. Instead of dropping my hands and walking awaywhen I was done, I kept them open to receive what He had for me. In the process my heart stayed open toreceive the life giving rain of grace, and my eyes stayed open to see the peaceand joy God gave me as a result.

It started another cycle of blessing. Praising Him for seeing and feeling the change, for being able to walkon with His blessing over me, in me. Andmy Jesus blessing me again and again throughout the day, reminding me of Hisblessings for me…

Oh His grace…

in the moments I fail

and

the moments I am freed…

in the moments of victim

and then

the victory…

I stumble

and then

I cry…

He lifts me up

and then

I fly…

His blessings are

beyond compare

To bless Him

and be blessed

unaware…

Oh His grace

His grace…

All is grace…

Rest? How do you quiet the guilt to really rest?

2011-09-02T08:15:00.001-05:00

I haven't joined in here before, but I saw a friend's post telling about it and the word struck my heart today because it is exactly what I am feeling.

Gypsy Mama has a "five minute Friday" every week. She shares a word and then you take five minutes, no more or less, and free write, with no editing, on a word she chooses. This week the word was REST.

As I have been getting up early with the kids each day, I am still exhausted. My eyes are crossing trying to look at the screen and its only 8am. I don't want to get rid of the exhaused feeling with a latte (homemade) just yet, because then I am not listening to what my body is trying to tell me....

I wrote below a bit of what my turmoil is and what is currently keeping me from sliding back into bed.

I am going to link up to Gypsy Mama's post, and you can go over there and see what else others have been writing about, as well as the "rules" if you want to join in.

Preface, my writing went over the five minutes, I think I wrote 7 minutes instead, but had to get that last thought out. :)

Here we go............

This is my second day with both kids in school.

I don't know what to do. Yesterday I feel like I did a fat lot of nothing. I didn't clean (well I loaded the dishwasher and did a quiet time and unloaded the dishwasher and made supper and ran errands first thing in the morning).

I realized when I went to bed, that though I took a few moments to rest here and there throughout my day i didn't really rest.

See, we have a house in town that we need to sell. but we need to get it all cleaned up and ready to go and it's no where near ready to go. I really need to go into town on my 2 days off without kids and scrub the bathroom so i can caulk around the tub. I need to clean windows and finish cleaning the kitchen and clean the floors, powerwash the deck and the outside of the house.....

And where does rest come into all of this?

I run from one thing to another Monday through Wednesday. Then I come home and have Thursday and Friday off and Saturday and Sunday are devoted to family and church and I can't make myself pull away.

What is it that makes me feel guilty for taking time to rest?

I need the quiet. I need the time to spend time with God. Just Him and me not Him and me and laundry, or Him and me and cleaning either house! I need to hear His still, small voice.

But I feel guilty.
Why can't I rest at home in the time I have to rest?

Do I hear a voice in the back of my head telling me I need to get this house under control and keep it clean? Do I hear another voice asking me if I have the other house ready to sell? (that would be a very big YES to both those questions!)

I want to feel the freedom to rest, and feel the peace that passes understanding the "be still and know I am God" type of rest.

I need to somehow feel like i can rest, take a nap, sleep in, (or go back to bed) and not feel guilty about it or that someone is judging me for it. I need to find a space here, in this house, that I can curl up and rest in Him without feeling guilt.

How do I unplug from this cycle of "do something" or feel guilt?

I am going to have to go try finding a place, here at home, where I can chill and not do anything but listen for Gods still small voice.

....but it won't be my kitchen! That has 2 five gallon pails of fresh picked tomatoes that need something done with them....

New season dawning with New freedom

2011-08-30T11:17:00.001-05:00

Dawn at Ocean Isle Beach, NC (taken 8-09-11)

Just a year ago found me preparing to lead a Bible study for the first time since college. I was in a hard place, a dark one. Depression had snagged me again, and it was hard to look up and see the sun.

But God had also been speaking to me.

Through others He had urged me to go back and see my former counselor for a bit. Then He set a desire in my heart to have a Bible study with “my ladies” from the previous year. The thing was, even before that He set in me a powerful desire to go through Beth Moore’s Breaking Free Bible study. Then one of “my ladies” approached me to see if I was going to do a study, actually lead a study.

Feeling that was another prompting of the Spirit, I said yes, got people together, ordered the workbooks and borrowed the video sessions from another church.

“Breaking Free” followed by “Believing God” were two ways that God really worked some healing in my life.

God has healed me and brought me through so much. In 2007 and 2008 He did the major reconstruction. This time was a minor remodel, but it shook me and changed me. Now more than ever I am resting on the Truth, and able to recognize and combat the lies.

“[The Enemy has] greatly oppressed me from my youth, but [he has] not gained the victory over me. …the Lord is righteous; He has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.” Psalm 129:2 and 4 (slight rewording mine)

Depression has fled before the Lord, the One who fights for me. There are times of doubt, wavering, depression. Not light before. Not despair. Worry sometimes? The tendency to be anxious? Yes, but it doesn’t go too overboard if I catch it right away, and combat it with the truth!

God has led me into the dawning of a new season.

I am leading a Bible study again this fall with “my ladies” and hopefully a few more added to our group. I feel more excited than fearful. Anticipation more than dread at the thought of leading. And really, I don’t “lead” God does. We share and discuss and open our hearts to one another. The Holy Spirit works in our hearts.

We all have seen great things happen in each other’s lives as a result of God using the Bible studies, and our prayers for each other.

Freedom from depression
Freedom from anxiety in new surroundings
Husbands coming to church with their wives
Family units getting stronger
Children and grandchildren being kept save
Peace in our own hearts about other concerns

All of us are learning to turn to God, to really believe that:

God is who He says He is.
God can do what He says He can do.
I am who God says I am.
I can do all things through Christ.
God’s Word is alive and active in me.

We are believing God!

I am so looking forward to this new season in my life. I am finding myself anticipating more than ever what God is going to do, and how He is going to reveal Himself and His character to me. He loves us to know Him more, and He loves to show us new facets of who He is. I can’t wait to draw nearer to my Savior.

Drained dry of words

2011-07-29T22:08:00.000-05:00

Whew!

It's been over a month since my last post!

I didn't realize how long it's been.

I have run out of words. I read almost daily, but only light stuff. Stuff to make me laugh a bit before I fall asleep at night.

This has been a busy month, and that in part, drained my words.

We moved. Packing boxes every night, taking loads to the new house at least two or three times a week, and still trying to live life is more than a load to carry. Last weekend was the final push and we have all the main stuff and are sleeping/living at the farm now, in the ranch style house. It is about double the footage of the house we were in, and has a full basement besides.

Of course, my in-laws are still in the process of downsizing and moving out. As I have moved things in, I have been packing her things up. My mother came and helped me here, cleaning and organizing to get more put away. My father worked for two days at the other house tearing up the bathroom floor, preparing to replace it. He has to come up again to finish it.

Now that we are here and moved, our priority has to be working to get the other house ready to sell. It was too small to attempt while we were still living in it, so now we have to clean there and get the outside ready too. We can settle this house later... we have all our life to do that!

Another thing that has drained my words is the feelings of disconnect from God. When I don't feel connected to Him, I don't feel inspired. When I don't pray anything but "pop corn" prayers, I don't fell like I even have what it takes.

And I wonder. Does it matter? Who am I writing for anyway?

Am I doing this blog thing just for me? Am I helping anyone? Am I doing with it what God wants me to?

It's hard to write here when I don't write much in my journals right now either.

Yes, I know. It's a phase of life. It's the middle of the first summer that I can really say I have been enjoying my kids and my family and it's going too fast. We have moved, in and of itself that is a huge thing too.

Writing may take a back seat. But at the same time, I feel like I am really missing something by not writing... by not taking the time to exercise that part of me.

I am NOT closing down my blog, but my amount of writing is going to be a bit lower, because in reality, I have very little time right now. I am very tired physically, so the thought of staying up much later than the kids to write (as I know some people are able to) is too much for me. That also makes it very hard to get up early, before them, to write too.

I am struggling to find time in the morning, in my day at all, to spend with God. That has to come before any writing. He is my inspiration for writing, so I can't write without His inspiration. I mean, I can write, but it would all just be drivel.

So I am going to continue to write, allowing Him to inspire me, move me, working in my head and heart to share as I continue to walk on the road with Him.

I just have to put Him first. Sounds so easy, but in the busyness of life, it is so, so easy to become distracted.

I am quite easily distracted.

Please bear with me as I attempt to go to God first with everything.

I am praying for God to fill up my soul. I need His help to remember to go to Him first. I need Him to renew me when I am tired, for only then will I be able to do all that I want to, or rather all that He wants me to.

This renewal thing. Hard when I feel I have to keep "doing" all the time. But the doing has left me dry and wordless. Even this writing, trying to explain what is going on - this even feels dry and empty... like I am pulling random thoughts out and not one is of much consequence.

Don't get me wrong. This has been one of the best summers I have had. The depression hits me sometimes, but not as hard and not as often. I am able to enjoy my family and friends. I have been praising God for the changes He has been making in me. But I still feel distant, removed from Him. It takes hard work to focus on Him and everything else ends up getting in the way, and then I get impatient with myself and others.

So, please pray that as I try to rest in Him and focus on Him, that I will really be able to let go and do just that.

We are going on vacation in about 7 days... to North Carolina, to the ocean. My kids (ages 7 and 5) first plane ride. I can't wait. I know it's going to be fun. I just want to come back rested and unworried, and closer to God than when I left! (I say that because I know most people need to take a vacation to recover from their vacation!)

I don't know how much internet access or time I will have to write while I am gone, and in this week of preparation, I don't know how much time I will have to write. Please pray for us... for safety, for the kids to love the plane, not be afraid of it... for an incredible time at the beach. Please pray also for health for us. My husbands mother just is getting over a bad cold that turned into an ear infection. We don't want to go that route for any of us, and I am feeling "under the weather" to say the least.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Hopefully as I feel closer to God and get more inspiration from Him, my posts won't be so random, and won't be so rambling!

Standing Stones...

2011-06-23T21:55:00.002-05:00

I have been participating in a Scripture Memory Challenge over that the Living Proof Ministries blog. Two years ago, Beth Moore asked for some people to join her in committing to memorize two verses a month.

On the 1st and 15th of every month we would comment on a specific blog post made for that purpose, and leave our name, city and state, and our bible verse, with the reference and version of the bible we took it from. I was able to keep up pretty well with the accountability and did all right.

Last year, though Beth didn't do an official challenge, I did still try to keep up the 1st and 15th memorization, but it was hard and I kind of slacked off. I don't think I would be able to tell you any of those verses anymore (not that I could right now of the ones I memorized in 2009, though I might remember a few).

This year, Beth issued the "challenge" again. She set up ahead of time, as an incentive for us, a special celebration at her church in Houston, for this coming January, once we all have made it through the year, and all 24 verses. Our ticket in the door is our scripture memory spiral... along with having "signed in" on each post with our name, and memory verse each time, and the ability to say back to another siesta (sister - just one of the folks following along on her blog) 12 out of the 24 verses we have memorized.

Well, I am halfway through. I went through yesterday and made myself go over and over the verse references, so I have them in the right order, and then I tried to remember all the first phrase of each verse. Before I fell asleep last night, I went through all 12 and was able to remember the full verses. I am so thrilled. This is much better than the past two years.

Maybe it is because I have that incentive. I already asked my hubby if it would be possible for me to go to the celebration in January, and he said it was fine with him. I am hoping to meet up with my "siestas" that I have gotten to know from their posts, their blogs... but more important, I am looking forward to celebrating with God the fact that I was able to commit to memory precious bits of His Word that no one can ever steal from me.

This time around, as we are halfway through, Beth asked us to finish the sentence "memorizing God's Word has...."

I realized, as I looked back, that every single verse has made a huge impact on me because each and every one of them has been fitted to my exact need at that moment, or spoke to situations I found myself in for the next 15 days or so after I chose it.

I had to respond to Beth's question of what the memorization has done by saying each verse is a standing stone. A standing stone attesting to the power of God, the amazing acts of God in my life, in the lives of those around me... Twelve standing stones so far. I have no doubt that there will be a total of twenty four by the end of the year.

It's not just a random gathering of verses. Each time, I ask God to give me exactly what I need for that day and the ones to come. Each time He has answered me.

On Monday, I still hadn't chosen a verse for the 15th. I was nearly a week late. I couldn't find anything to settle on. It was quiet at church. I was working, but I felt like I was in so much of a haze. I just couldn't focus well on anything, and I was all out of sorts. I think I was dealing with some depression. I felt disconnected from God, from my emotions, and didn't like the out of touch feeling I was having.

I finally got so frustrated at not being able to find a verse, and with the way I was feeling, that I said out loud, "God, I just need a Word! I need a Word from you!"

I felt silly for saying it out loud and was glad that no one was there to hear me, because it came out much louder than I had intended.

I have been "parked" in First Peter for a while (what I had thought was only a seven day stay turned into a month or more now), and had moved away from that book to find a verse, but found myself back there - and there it was. My verse. Literally moments after I cried out, God answered me with a verse.

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

Here I was feeling disconnected from my emotions and God. Frustrated with some things I was working on. Gloomy because of the dark, rainy weather.

BUT

I am chosen.

I am royalty.

I am holy.

I belong to God.

That who I am.

Why? Whats the purpose of that?

So that I can declare His praises. Praise God and glorify Him before everyone I meet. Everyone in my life, that I encounter, who I work with, should be able to see God in me, and hear how He has worked and what He is doing.

Why am I to do that? What prompts praising God?

He called me out of the darkness. I remember the darkness well. But now I am living in His glorious light (I suppose I always was, but didn't see it... now He has pulled the veil of lies away and I can SEE!!!!)

God gave me the verse that I needed to remember. I had some things that happened on Tuesday that could have really dumped me down. But I had that verse. Normally I would have reacted much worse to something like that - and I did react, but it didn't get me down for as long, because I remembered my verse.

No matter what happens, I have an identity defined by God. I have a purpose defined by God. I have nothing to fear because I am firmly in His light. Even if it's a cloudy, dark, cold dreary day!

See. That was an example of how this memory verse is a standing stone to me. All of the others have their own story to tell.

How I have grown to love standing stones!

believing and praying

2011-06-14T16:20:00.002-05:00

"I've anchored my life in the belief that God can do anything, but somehow feel presumptuous believing He will for me. That's doubt masquerading as false humility. And that, my friends, saddens God and limits His work in my life." Glynnis Whitwer in her devotional at Encouragement for Today.

How much of the time do I pray, even now, feeling presumptuous because I know God can do anything, but will He? Will he for me?

I fear praying bold prayers, giving voice to the silent dreams inside, afraid they are not what God wants for me. That allows fear and doubt to rule me, to dominate my life, to dictate what I am going to do and say. Instead, in faith, I need to step out and believe. Pray, daring to believe that God will answer my prayers. If they aren't in line with His will, He will make them line up. He will say no. He will redirect me.

I don't want my prayer life to take a back seat to "life" as I live it. The "life" I live as I run from one thing to another, exhausted. Not taking care of myself by getting enough sleep, or eating correctly, gets me tired and crabby, which then overflows into how I care for the kids and interact with my husband.

Is that really Life? No, not the way God intends us to live it, and not the way Christ modeled it.

Jesus made prayer His priority. When He was tired of the crowd and needed refreshing, He went to be with His Father, He rested, He ate. I need to do all those same things.

I need to start my day at nightfall, getting good rest and continue my day, following that rest by time with Jesus. Time in prayer. Time in His word, refreshing my spirit the way my body was refreshed by sleep. Then the rest of my day should continue in productivity with whatever God has laid out before me.

I need to restructure my days and nights so that I get into a different rhythm. I need it. My spirit needs it. I spent the weekend without any one on one time with God, and I could feel it yesterday. Thursday, I spent some good time with Him in the morning, but Friday, Saturday, Sunday and even mostly yesterday, I didn't concentrate on time with Him.

I now am running on an empty fuel tank... on fumes. My new day, starting with my nightfall will be spent at work, in a meeting and locking up after another meeting is done. I won't get to really rest till well after nightfall tonight (or should I say tomorrow? See, my brain can't wrap itself around this one!)

I long to be closer to Jesus. I want to pray in His will. Yes, I am still afraid to pray the wrong things. The only way I will know how to pray His will is to take care of myself, as God's temple, and to restructure my busy schedule so that I can have the room to take time out and away to spend time with Him.

Yes, God can do what He says He can do. And He is willing to do it in my life, and in yours. It isn't presumptuous, its called stepping out in faith without trusting in my own strength to do something "just in case" God doesn't come through the way I think He should.

I never knew it would be such a struggle to really believe God. It sounds so easy, but it is a daily decision, a moment by moment decision sometimes. Prayer, effective and powerful prayer is found in someone who really truly believes God, has faith and is willing to step out over the edge of a cliff without seeing anything that will keep them from falling.

That unwavering faith is what fuels someone to ask the seeming impossible, because with God all things are possible.... for those who believe in Him.

My story...

2011-06-07T12:16:00.000-05:00

I ran across a blog post today that challenged me.

The writer shared that we all have a story, and need to know how to tell it. That means we actually have to know what our story is.

Much of my story has poured out here on my blog. I have written a lot over the years, though it has tapered off some in the last months. But just because I have found more freedom in Christ, found more joy, found more of Jesus... well that doesn't mean that my story is done.

God has so much more for me (and you). His redeeming love has rescued me from so much. He is rescuing me. Daily. He will rescue me.

I don't get it. His wild, irrational, redeeming love. But I am so grateful, thankful, overjoyed, humbled. He sings over us when we are unaware. He constantly whispers truth about ourselves and about Him in our ears. Sometimes it takes a lot to really hear what He is saying.

Oh God, help me hear and acknowledge and really believe what it is You are saying!

This post about becoming an expert at telling your story had a challenge at the end.

He asked, "In three sentences or less, what is your story?"

Here is what I came up with, after many drafts.

"Coming from a sheltered home-life, I succumbed silently to cruel bullying in school. After finding Christ in college, terrible depression enslaved me using my poor choices and relationships. Ready to die, God stopped me, setting my feet on the path of freedom, teaching me transparency and dependency on Him, giving me an impossible joy."

So, I am asking you. What is your story? Can you express it in three sentences or less? Will you share it with me?

Overwhelmed

2011-06-04T14:23:00.000-05:00

Here I am sitting at the computer on a beautiful, sunny, warm day. I am inside, only because the kids and I were out this morning and ate lunch as a picnic in our back yard. They got tired and wanted in, so therefore I had to go in too.

I have a ton of things I could be doing around here. The list seems to be unending. I have been working on some laundry, cleaned up the kitchen some, and started defrosting some brats for supper.

But.

I have a ton more to do, other than the day to day upkeep.

We are going to be moving, probably at the beginning of August to the farm. We need to get the house ready to go on the market. I can't begin to comprehend how in the world we are going to get this place ready!

All I can see right now is the big picture. I can't figure howanything that I attempt to do today even begins to affect that big picture!

I am overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed I grind to a halt.

It doesn't help that I'm still not feeling 100% over the cold I had yet. I am still exhausted, and coughing some still. I want to curl up and sleep, but that may not be all due to the cold, as some of that comes from the automatic shut down I go into when I don't know how to tackle what I have to tackle.

With all the day to day things I need to get done, I can't seem to figure out how to get the other stuff done on top of it. I am so behind on the laundry, the cleaning, and daily maintenance because of my cold, that it will take me all weekend to get caught up on that, and by the time I get to next weekend... well, I will be starting over on that stuff again, and not get to the clearing out of this house to move.

Dave set the kids last week to packing up some of their toys. Marina partially filled one box and quit (and I kept on throwing away things, or throwing more in there. Peter filled 3 boxes. That was a start. I however keep flitting from one thing to another, with great intentions and nothing gets done.

I can hear Peter in their room right now, throwing things into a box to take things out to the farm. I wish I had his motivation, or focus or whatever it is that is getting him going right now!

I guess what I could use is some prayer~
to be able to see one piece at a time
to have the motivation to do something - however small
to not let myself get overwhelmed but instead focus on God who is my strength
to trust in Him and believe Him in this upheaval as well

Don't think that I don't want to move to the farm. I do. Very much. I just wish there was some way to "zap" all our stuff there and not have to figure out how to pack it all up!

So, if it is quiet around my blog for a bit, it isn't because I don't want to write. It is mostly because I am so exhausted and have so much to do.

When I have this much on my plate, I find myself feeling dry and unable to write. I hate that feeling and it is hard to try to write when I feel like all I am writing is "drivel!"

Know that I am taking time to read and visit other blogs, but I just have felt really dry and unable to contribute much.

And now I must go and see what "damage" the kids are doing as they are trying to "pack up their room" to move it to the farm!!

Be prepared. Be sober. Hope fully.

2011-05-25T12:36:00.001-05:00

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:13

How many times have I gone into things, unprepared to take action? So many times I have floundered because of that.

Here though, Peter says to be prepared.

How exactly? That's what I struggled with as I meditated my scripture memory verse. My thoughts have clarified some now and I think it is by soaking in the Word of Truth. If I focus on scripture, not just the times I have to memorize it, or get a quick moment in it, rather have focused times of reading and studying it, I will be preparing my mind.

When I am tempted, God says that he will provide a way out of that temptation. But how will I see the way out unless I have been soaking up his truth?

When I am faced by temptation, I have to be prepared for action. In the King James version, it says "gird up the loins of your mind." It seems a strange thing to us now, but back in the day, they wore long robes that hampered their movement. When they needed to be prepared to move or run, they reached down and grabbed the bottom edge of the back of their robe, pulled it up to the front and tucked it into their belts... in effect creating crude shorts, in which they could run, move, fight more freely.

Peter is saying we need to do the same thing with the loins of our mind. Prepare ourselves in our minds. Gather in the loose "robes" or affections, entanglements, and bring them under control of truth, God's Truth.

Then is says simply, be self-controlled (or sober in KJV).

How can any of us be self-controlled or sober when we have all these loose things and are unprepared in our minds? I know from experience that my self-control is out the window.

If I am not prepared, then self control will be hard to come by in the heat of the moment, when a decision needs to be made - do I do this, or do I do what God wants me to?

Being sober (or self-controlled) also means not to be inebriated in my mind. It means cutting out the things that would dull my senses to God, his glory and goodness, his love and faithfulness, and that would hinder my coming to Him in everything, hinder my prayer life.

Here is a quote from Matthew Henry's commentary on this verse.

"Be sober, be vigilant against all your spiritual dangers and enemies, and be temperate and modest in eating, drinking, apparel, recreation, business, and in the whole of your behavior. Be sober-mined also in opinion, as well as in practice, and humble in your judgment of yourselves."

I have found my scripture memory verse this time to be full of such meaning and depth, that I have really gained a lot from studying it. There is such application for me, for where I am at right now.

When it seems like God has given me a "wait," that doesn't mean that I get to coast. If I coast in my walk with him, in what I am doing for Him, in how I am pursuing him, when He gives me the "go ahead" I won't be ready. I may never get the "go ahead" from Him! I might miss out on the opportunities He laid before me because I wasn't tuned into Him and didn't see them!

Continuing to prepare my mind for action, and continuing to be self-controlled will keep me in tune with God. I will be able to build and maintain a strong connection with Him so that I am ready for anything.

The final thing is that my hope isn't in the preparation and readiness for action, or in the temperance and modesty in the whole of my behavior, my hope is fully fixed on God's grace. He already has poured out such grace on me. To think that He will continue to pour it out on me...

How to imagine the vastness of God?
How to grasp the unending grace of God?
How to understand His willingness to pour it out on me?

There is no understanding it. However, even with things you don't understand fully, you can still fully place your hope in them.

So, I am determined to prepare myself for action. I am going to be ready when God tells me to "go." Instead of trying to gather my stuff up last minute and go, I want it all packed up and set. I am determined to be self-controlled. I know that I won't always be perfect at that, but I can strive for it, with God's help.

And above all else, I am going to hope fully. Not halfheartedly. Not partially. With all my heart, mind, soul and strength I am going to love God, I am going to set my hope on His grace.

If, rather, when I fall and fail, I am going to get back up and keep on. I don't want to give up anymore. I have done so much of that. Giving up on things in the past. But not this time. Not with this. I have done too much work to gain the healing and wholeness God wants for me.

I will:

Be prepared.

Be sober.

Hope fully.

Afraid to dream?

2011-05-13T19:23:00.001-05:00

I read somewhere today about dreaming dreams.

You know, what kind of dreams and aspirations you have. What are you longing for, dreaming for, wanting so badly you can practically taste it?

One of the prompts at the end of the post was this:

“Lay out your dreams before the Lord, asking which are His dreams too or which might not be in His will.”

I started thinking about it and wondered, do I have any dreams to dream?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe I am afraid to dream. Does that make any sense at all? I mean, here I am, after all these year, finally feeling really free to do the things God has called me to….

And….

And what?

I wrote in my journal that I am afraid to dream. I can think of a lot of reasons from my past why I would or should be afraid to dream. There have been times where dreams have gotten squashed. There is a varied past that the enemy would love to throw up in my face, or use to haunt me too.

Mistakes made.

Words said.

Things done.

But that any of that would hold me back from dreaming is a lie.

I am learning to minister where I am right now in a new capacity, feeling new wings underneath me. I am learning what it means to be a wife and mom free from my past and leading worship, being the administrator at our church, leading a women’s Bible study each semester.

To think too far ahead is scary. I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know if I can even dream anything. And if I dream it, can I do it? (I know, apart from God I can’t… but you know what I mean)

I haven’t hardly spoken or thought about any dreams that I might have with anyone, much less with God. So to lay out any dreams before God to see if they are in His will or not - that’s scary - because I feel like I would have to really commit to something then.

I feel like God still has me in this “wait” pattern yet, but at the same time, I have to be preparing myself. How and with what, or rather for what, I don’t know.

Looking down deeper now, I an see a couple of dreams. Some of them aren’t dependent on me, so I won’t share them here. However, some are. One of them is seeing my kids becoming sold out for Christ. I want to see them really love Him and follow Him of their own will and decision, not because I do, or because I make them go to church, but because they really want to.

That’s a dream, so I guess that I’m not too afraid of dreaming.

In ANOTHER POST at A Holy Experience today I read something that also really hit me that I have to include here. Her husband is a farmer and is in the process of planting his fields...

"This is what the Farmer is doing: he’s cutting the soil open. The sharp edge of the disk slashes the ground wide open. And Jesus, he bears scars and what is torn open in our lives, it can seem like destruction. Yet.
Yet.
Out of the lancing of our fields, life will unfurl.
Out of the scars of Christ, our salvation comes.
Out of what seems to ruin our lives, our very rescue can begin.
The resurrection people know it: The tearing open can be the beginning of triumph." (Ann Voskamp)

I have had some pretty deep “tearing open” of my own these past years. I feel light years from that now, and yet closer too. New life is springing forth for me now, in me.

New green shoots springing from newly turned over ground. Tender and easily bruised, but full of such promise. They need to be treated tenderly. What the fruit will be that these shoots hold, I don’t yet know.

Maybe they are the birth of new dreams for me. These new shoots in me need to be treated tenderly, protected from the lies from the past and present that would trample over them, crushing them back into the ground.

God, help me not be afraid to let these green shoots continue to spring up and grow. You planted the seeds in me that they have come from. Lord, help me root them deep into the soil of Your guidance, and feed and water them with Your Word and Truth. Help me not cave into the lies, worries of what others may think, or fear of failure. Help me cling to You and listen for Your voice. Help me to keep everything laid bare out before You so You can see it all, expose any lies or sins, so that I can know that I am in Your will. Help me walk out in faith. To put action towards those dreams in the steps that You show me from day to day. Because I am on the road with You, Jesus. Now I want to start WALKING on that road, not just sitting or standing on it… I want to move forward along the way You show me. Amen.

God has it all...

2011-04-27T19:20:00.000-05:00

This morning, as I sat in the sanctuary, I had a bible in my hands and it fell open to Psalm 18. (No, it wasn't my bible, so I can't say that my love of that Psalm helped it there....) and this is what I read:

"He brought me out into a spacious place;
He rescued me because He delighted in me." vs. 19

A spacious place... an open area, or a place of safety as one translation renders it....

And I felt that there this morning. I knew that God has it all.

I mean, we are selling our house so we can move to the farm. But first we have to paint, clean, empty out and do some repairs. At the same time, still live there with 2 kids and 2 cats. How in the world are we supposed to keep this little house clean enough to show it?

Yet.

God can see it. He knows what we will do. He knows our choices. He knows the buyer. He knows how He is going to use this house. He knows how He is going to use us in the lives of the buyers, in the lives of Dave's family. He knows how it is all going to turn out....

... and suddenly I could breathe again...

He brought me out to a spacious place - (into a place of safety)

Why?

Be cause He delights in me.

Period.

He delights in me. In you. In everyone He created. He rejoices over us with singing.

All these thoughts flooded me as I sat there in His presence in the sanctuary, my safe place.

I had peace.

It's so amazing, that peace that passes understanding.

I just look at where God has taken me, and though I am overwhelmed with the thought of prepping my house for painting with my dad, much less anything else, I know that God has taken me through so much worse.

There was no way I could have persevered through what I did without Him pushing me all the way. He was the one who placed that little bit of grit and determination in me to keep me going, even when the rest of me wanted to die, stop and forget, and give up.

As Psalm 18 says in the New Living Translation:

"Lord, You have brought light to my life; my God, you light up my darkness. In Your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall." vs. 28-29

The impossible things that we are up against, that seem like such a high wall to climb, they aren't impossible with God.

God has taken me into my promised land. Once the Israelites were in their promised land, they had to fight for every square foot of it, even though it was theirs. They had to take it from their enemies, even though it was theirs.

I have to take my promised land too. Its different, but the same. I have to take the land that is mine, but not in my strength but God's. Its with HIS strength that I can crush an army. It is WITH my God I can scale any wall.

My wall and army is my house and the mountain of work there for me to do. But my God's strength is more than enough.

Without Him, I will not be able to scale the walls of my Jericho, but with Him, I won't have to even touch those walls.

They'll just come tumbling down!

The right Garden...

2011-04-19T17:26:00.000-05:00

I read something recently comparing the Garden of Eden with the Garden of Gethsemane.

The different men in them.

They were both wrestling.

When you read the beginning of Genesis, you don’t see the wrestle. But it’s there. It’s implied between the lines. If you’ve been walking in the garden with God, in freedom and love and trust, there is a wrestle to move away from that. How difficult the wrestle is sometimes depends on how long you’ve been walking with God, and how deeply you have believed Him.

The thought that God didn’t really have their best at heart must have been like a knife.

The thought that God was holding something out on them, or denying them something they hadn’t even thought to have asked. Painful.

To have the truth twisted just a little bit, turned a minute hair, and the wrestle was over.

The choice was made.

They ate.

And then they saw, really saw.

Oh, I have lived so long wishing that my eyes had never lost their innocence! Wishing that different choices had been made. Wishing I had won my wrestlings, and thus stayed close to God.

How much regret and guilt and shame must have weighed Adam down.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, there was another wrestle. A hard fought one.

The thought of what God was asking Him to do must have been like a knife.

The thought that God might find another way to work out His purposes, yet be choosing Him to suffer. Painful.

Through the wrestle, maybe Jesus’ emotions cried out terribly to not even have to make a choice. Maybe He didn’t want to. I know there have been times when I have been forced to make a choice and all I have wanted to do was run away. But in the running, that is a choice as well.

I have lived with the agony of emotions torn apart.

Jesus did that night in His garden.

Jesus’ choice was made.

He ate.

In His eating, He saw, really saw, the depths and the heights.

His eating took time. Painful, pain filled time. Torture, separation from His Father, death… but then, glorious resurrection!

In the Garden of Eden, Adam made a choice. It was a choice to believe the lies, and not God.

Adam chose unbelief.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, when Jesus cried out, “Not my will but Your’s be done,” He made a choice. His choice was to believe the truth, believe His Father.

Jesus chose belief.

Belief.

Trust.

In our gardens of wrestling, where are we going to land?

Are we going to be in the right garden?

Am I?

Am I going to be in the right garden with Jesus, crying out, “Not my will Father, but Your’s be done!” Or will I succumb to the lies and the subtle and not so subtle traps of the enemy in the wrong garden and tell God that I am going to do it my way, not His?

If I pick the second, I am choosing unbelief. That’s the start to all other sins. If I don’t believe God for something, I am going to try to fix it on my own, try to escape whatever is bothering me, and land myself in more sin and trouble.

If I pick the first, I am choosing to believe my Living God. Actively believing God means trusting Him with my all. Me. My life. My family. My job. My church. My future. All of it is in His hands. His plans are the best for me.

That active belief produces life altering peace like nothing else I have ever experienced.

I want to always end up in the right garden, the Garden of Gethsemane.

Yes, it was filled with pain. Yes, it was filled with tears. Yes it was filled with wrestling, sweating to the point of blood. Horrid wrenching emotions, nearly leading to despair.

But it is a Garden filled with God.

It is a Garden in which I can walk with Him.

It is a Garden I can be free and unashamed…. Even unashamed of the emotions the wrestling has pulled out of me.

It is the right Garden.

The Garden of Belief.

Making everything new...

2011-04-03T16:23:00.001-05:00

Today I looked outside and was met with a rainy Sunday morning as I got ready for church. While getting ready, I heard thunder. Then there was the bits of ice hitting the window and the hint that it had snowed out a bit too.

My husband came home from his third shift and warned me to take it easy on the way home. The further north, the worse the roads were. (He had come from work, which is north of us by only about 20 minutes - there was that much difference in the temperatures and precipitation type)

It's still cold and grey, windy and misty out, even now.

Our pastor reminded us this morning that though everything looks dead, dormant and we keep thinking that spring will never come, every single year it does.

Spring is such a reminder that God brings new life to what seems dead.

Revelations 21:5 says that God is making everything new, and that His words are trustworthy and true.

Did you hear that?

Everything.
Not just some things, some plants, some trees, some people, some situations.
Everything.

New life, new sight, new hearing, new flesh, new hope.

God has so much in store for us in the new life He offers. He has so much in store for me in the new life He offers to me.

My heart was just overflowing this morning with gratitude as we gathered together in the prayer meeting before the service. We only had about 40 minutes, but the time just seemed to fly by. I was truly able to enter into His presence and praise Him, confess and seek forgiveness for my sins, and pray for others in a way that I am not always able to do in group prayer times.

Pastor Kim shared today the differences between the Old Covenant that God made with Israel, and the New Covenant He has made with us. He had three different points, but one really jumped out at me.

The Old Covenant brought feelings of condemnation, while the New brings feelings of commendation.

The Old showed how we constantly fail at keeping God's laws and commands. the New gives us the internal power (by the Holy Spirit dwelling in us) to do what is right.

What really struck me about that was God shows us what to do and then empowers us to do it.

How many times have I gotten stuck? I hear and feel God impressing on me something He wants me to do or say. He speaks directly into my heart. Through His word, or through someone else or a bible study I am doing, He asks me to do something, or to give something up. And that's where I get stuck, because I feel like it is completely impossible. There is no way that I can do it, not a single chance that I could ever do or not do whatever it is.

and I can't.
Not in my own power.

But. God.

I love those words! How many times in the bible have those words come together just before God does something amazing, or gives an incredible promise?

God gives me the power to actually do or not do what He wants me to. I have to accept His help. I have to do my part and determine to do what is right, make the right choices, take captive my thoughts, stand firm against the enemy, filter my emotions through the truth of God's Word. Without His Spirit in me, I wouldn't be able to do any of those things effectively in my own power. I wouldn't be able to make those choices without His power in me, working to help me.

How many times do we find people walking through life, but not really living it the way God created?

And I'm not talking about non-believers here.
I am talking about us.
The church.
The Body of Christ.
The very people that God has given up His Son for, and given His Spirit to!!!!

How many times, how long have I walked through this life of mine, without really living? God has given NEW life, hope, peace, power, joy. New ears to hear His truth, new eyes to see Him working, new flesh to walk purely.

We have such power if we choose to tap into it. God has given us so much more than "just" salvation. We have so much more than a ticket to heaven!

With that new life, I have a new hope to which God has called me. Imagine that! We are called to HOPE! I have a glorious inheritance. Not just in heaven, but here on this earth God has given me, given all of us a Promised Land to live in - one flowing with milk and honey - abundance in ways we can't ever imagine.

Here is where I am going with this. We have incomparably great power that is ours if we believe. Not just believe in Him, but really believe Him.

That is the power I was talking about earlier. Power to do what God is asking of us. His power that raised Christ from the dead is at our disposal if we only knew how to use it. We don't have to walk about in defeat. We are free! Can't we start living like it? can't we start stepping out in the little things to see what God can do?

He is willing to start small with us, as long as we are willing to trust Him. As I have become more willing to believe my Father, as I have CHOSEN to believe Him, He has taken me a step at a time.

I've felt like I have been saying, "Ok, I thought I heard You say to test out the ground here and see if it is dry enough for me to walk on..." And so I take a step. Then there is another one, and another one. He keeps asking me, "Are you going to believe Me here too? Are you willing to believe me for this area of your life too?" I have recently been looking back, and all those little steps have added up to quite a long distance. Even in just the last 2 months or so.

All it takes is one step at a time. There is no condemnation for failing to live up to the "standards" and the "law." There is just love and gentle correction and a complete wiping clean of the slate. He gives us such love and approval when we do what He wants, and such love and forgiveness when we don't that we don't ever, ever have to feel condemned.

Only the enemy wants to hold us back. Only the enemy wants to keep us walking through life, not seeing the freedom and joy and peace we can have. Only the enemy wants to keep us from accessing the incomparably great power that is ours in Christ.

Because if we do, if we start living those victorious lives that are possible in Christ, we are going to be so attractive to other believers, they are going to want to know how to access that power in their lives. On top of that, we will find ourselves living our lives in such a way that we will be attractive to those who don't believe and they will want to know how we can live with such peace and joy.

No, we don't get it right all the time when we live in victory and freedom.
But that is the beauty of it.
We ALWAYS live in forgiveness.
We always walk in the new life, with new hope and new growth.

One season ending, a New One starting

2011-03-18T21:16:00.000-05:00

So last week was a faith-step for me, when I told Tricia that was my last appointment with her.

Tuesday, was another one for me.

I was able to tell my psychiatrist that I was done counseling, and that I had been skipping meds, but now was stable on them again. I also told him that I really was doing better. And I was telling the truth! After some discussion, we were able to definitely agree that we aren’t going to change any medications right now, and not rock the boat and see how things go.

I told him one of the things I was looking forward to was a summer with my family.

The last few summers have been shadowed by other things. Pain and heartache, and difficult things that took my mind and focus off my family.

I will still be balancing work and family this summer. I will still be dealing with “things,” because we always have “things” and stuff that we have to deal with from time to time.

But I want a really great summer with my kids, where we can have fun and play and spontaneously run to visit grandparents, or friends, or go to a beach – in another state if we want. Just get away as much as we can and have fun.

God has stuff in store for me. I don’t know what it is, but I know it is good. He has a new country for me, my promised land. All I have to do is finish crossing the Jordan River and get my feet on the shore. He will always be with me and walk with me. I just need to follow Him.

I have such a sense of a season ending. A new one is starting. I haven’t felt something like this before. Not like this, with such hope involved in it.

When I look back at the posts here on this blog, and see all the ways that God has helped me, been with me and saved me, over and over…. I have realized something.

Beth Moore was talking about standing stones in the “Believing God” bible study. How God told the Israelites to take 12 stones from the middle of the Jordan River and stand them up. Then their children would ask, “What do these stones mean?” Then they could tell of how faithful God was in saving them out of Egypt. He parted the Red Sea, and stayed with them through the desert. He gave them the commandments to live by, the laws and rules that would set them apart. He gave them food and water, just enough, just when they needed it. Their clothes and shoes never wore out. And after 40 years of wandering, He brought them back to the Jordan River, across on dry ground into their promised land.

This blog is full of standing stones.

I can see where He has taken me out of the slavery of my “Egypt” and walked me through a parted Red Sea. But I had to wander for “forty years” in the “desert” of depression, painful memories, and a darkness of my thoughts that terrified me.

Yet God never let me completely wear out. He never let me down. He always provided what I needed, exactly when I needed it. He proved Himself over and over.

He has taught me how to live, given me boundaries that fall in pleasant places. I have learned from Jesus what it is to rely on Him and His Father, my Father. He has set me apart to serve Him, to stand out from the culture, not by what I say, or even do, but by how I live. How I live, really live, alive and full of joy is what sets me apart, and draws others to me, to Him.

After all my wandering He has brought me to the Jordan River and asked me again if I am ready to cross it. I think I have been here before, at least seen it in passing, but now I am ready to cross. It took a while for me to be ready, and even now I am not ready. But I have surrendered everything to Him.

What else can I do but follow. For I know that is the best.

So, now I have crossed my Jordan River, and I have set my feet for the first time in my Promised Land. I don’t know all the length and breadth of it. I don’t know everything it contains. I don’t know what my “Jericho” will be, or what God will have me do, while He knocks those walls down.

But I have faith in my God. I know that He will do it.

I believe Him. Because I know Him. Because He has made Himself known to me.

He has shown me Himself, His glory, and called me His own. I am His treasured possession, His beloved daughter. A princess of the King of Glory. I get to call Him my Daddy.

I am loved by Him.

And OH! How I love Him.

“LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup;
   you make my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
   surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
   even at night my heart instructs me.”

Psalm 16:5-7

Another faith-step...

2011-03-08T17:34:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I walked into Tricia’s office.

She asked how things were for me, and realized we hadn’t seen each other for a month, so she wanted to catch up and see how I was doing.

I explained that the first reason I had canceled my appointment two weeks prior was that I found my schedule out of control and I just couldn’t figure out how to manage things that day, so counseling had to go. She more than understood and applauded my choice of letting go of the things I had to in order to keep things manageable.

Then I shared with her what I had bubbling inside me all day.

I said that this was going to be my last appointment with her.

She started to smile and asked me why, and so I shared some of the things that have been going on in the past few weeks. The amazing changes God has been making in my life and my heart.

We took all of my scheduled appointment to talk about what had been going on. We also talked a lot about some other things, some other loose ends that needed to be tied up.

As our time drew to a close, Tricia prayed for me, and then on her own time, shared some ministry opportunities that God has given her a passion for. She also shared how hard it had been for her to concentrate during our session and how weighted down she had felt, still felt. I told her that I would be praying for her, and she thanked me. She said that she wasn’t “begging” for prayers, but anytime I thought of her, to pray for her, and for the “things that take place here,” indicating the office --- the whole of Charis Counseling.

It was a wonderful time of fellowship. It was also very good because she was able to give me some advice in a few areas that I needed it still.

I know now it is going to be hard not to see her anymore, yet at the same time, I am ok with that. Yes, I am going to miss her. She has been such a blessing to me. The law required that there be 2 years between our last counseling session and when we can have contact again, outside a counselor/client type of relationship. She told me to call her in two years. So, I look forward to that day. But I am also trying to be realistic in realizing that I may very well have to go back and see her again as her client.

I am hoping, with the many issues and roadblocks I have worked through with her, and with all the things that God has done, I won’t need to though.

I know I am going to have to live with depression for now. That isn’t something that I have felt like God said He’d take away. But, controlling it with medication, and taking care of myself makes a big difference in how it affects me.

And, I am ok with that.

Yeah, it’s not always a fun prospect to look forward to, but I know that medication helps, and for now, I am ok with the fact that I will need to stay on it for a while. For sure, I know that the anti-depressant helps clear my head and make it easier for me to process things and deal with just even the daily stresses. When I haven’t taken it, or not taken it regularly, it has been very hard to concentrate and focus on what I need to.

I am happy right now, and fully aware that God brought me to this place, to this decision, and He has got me. I also know that at some point, I will need to grieve not seeing Tricia anymore. It will eventually sink in, but that’s ok too. It’s a loss of a friendship for a time, really. But there is an end goal in sight.

Between now and then, God has got a lot for me to do.

He has a lot to teach me.

He has a lot for me to learn and then teach to others.

As a short aside, last night was one of those nights where He used something I had learned but He had revisited with me.

Marina has been sick for nearly the past month. She has been coming out of her room 2 or more times a night claiming to be having bad dreams and being scared in her room. Saturday night though pushed me over the edge. She was up 5 times coming into our room. As I am closest to the door, she kept coming to me.

I first fell asleep at midnight.

Marina came in at:

1am
3am
3:30am
4:30am
5:30am

To say the least, the last time she came in, I was less than thrilled. Dave mumbled in his sleep not to be too harsh with her and then started snoring again (we laugh about it now, but I could have killed him then!!!!)

Sunday night, she stayed at the farm so I could sleep.

Last night, God reminded me that sometimes reading the Bible before bed was the best thing I could do for myself. So, though it got the kids to bed a bit later, I spent some time reading to her and Peter. First the book of John, then Joshua (where God tells him not to be afraid, that He would be with him wherever he went), and finally I ended back up in the Psalms. Psalm 139. I read it out of the New International Readers Version, because it helped explain it to her a little better.

The more I read, the more she settled down. When I reminded her that she had asked Jesus into her heart, she cried, “Yes I did, but He didn’t stay there!” Well, I can relate to that feeling. Can’t you?

Eventually she laid out on the bed, her chin in her hands, soaking up what I was reading. Before, she had been clinging to me, shaking at the idea of going to bed.

When I eventually prayed with the kids, I prayed through the very scriptures that I had read to them. Then I gave Marina a warning. I told her that if she came out in the night, she had one time for me to tuck her back in. Otherwise she was going to have to tuck herself back in.

Two minutes after leaving the room, she was back outside saying she was scared. I told her that it would be easier to tuck herself back in then when it was still light in the living room, but she wanted me to tuck her back in. So I did, and reminded her that was it.

This morning, I woke up and realized that she hadn’t gotten me up once in the night.

I think it was a combination of me coming down a bit harder and letting her know she wasn’t getting away with coming out of her room all the time anymore, and very intentionally reading the Bible with her before bed.

There is power in the spoken Word. That is what God has been teaching me. There is power there that many times we don’t tap into.

Last night, God gave me the opportunity to tap into it, and to also teach it by example to my kids.

Another step in the right direction.
Another learning experience.

I am crossing the Jordan River into my promised land. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know what giants I will have to face, but I know it is a better land than the one I have come out of. I don’t want to return there, to my Egypt.

Praise God for another faith-step, following after Him!

On the road… walking with Jesus…

...that takes one faith-step after another.

overwhelmed by JOY...

2011-02-27T21:54:00.000-06:00

As we worshipped this morning, I was overwhelmed.

I was up front, helping lead, with 3 other singers. We led out with a fairly upbeat set of three songs to start the service. The last one that we sang was called “Stronger.”

The chorus:

You are stronger, You are stronger
Sin is broken, You have saved me.
It is written “Christ is Risen”
Jesus, You are Lord of all.

It just hit me all over again what God has done for me in the past 3-4 weeks or so. I mean, the healing, the bringing me to different points of surrender, the hope.

Yes, my friend Cindy can tell me, “I told you so,” now.

She kept telling me that there was hope. She kept on telling me that I would make it through. That I would heal. That God had something more for me.

I don’t know the depth of that which God has done yet. But it is more than a mere surface fix. For I am more healed, have more hope, feel more freedom than ever before.

God has broken the power of sin and death.
He has redeemed me and I am His.
Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.
I am more than a conqueror through Him who loved me.

These truths resonated in me over and over this morning through our first set of worship. We came back around to the chorus (above) and as we got to it, I couldn’t stand still. It was all I could do to keep from dancing up there. I had a hard time singing cause I couldn’t tell if I was going to cry or laugh or do some combination of both.

I am undone.

I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by JOY!

Please enjoy this video of the worship song, “Stronger.” It’s worth the time… and wonderful to worship along with.

A new place...

2011-02-25T21:21:00.003-06:00

A new place.

That’s where I am now.

In a new place. I never expected this on Wednesday as I sat down to review my “Believing God” study in preparation for leading it the next day.

Two weeks ago, God took me to a new place in my believing Him. He prompted me to surrender to Him completely. I made the decision to walk by faith no matter what He called me to do, no matter what happened to me in the future. I was going to trust Him with everything.

After two weeks of walking that way and seeing what it felt like to be in such peace, God asked me again to do something.

It was more of a subtle realization as I was writing a prayer in my journal.

We were given a prompt to thank God for His sovereignty and sufficiency.

As I was writing, I reflected on what sufficiency meant to me. To me, I always have thought of sufficient being "just enough to fill the need." However, with God I always think of it meaning, "more than enough to fill the need." Filling it and then overflowing the cup into the saucer and all over the table. That kind of sufficiency.

It reminded me of the song, “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.

As I thought of the song, I was in turn reminded of a time the song played a significant role in my life.

When I was in the hospital the second time in 6 months or so, in 2008, I remember not being able to read the bible, or even pray. All I could do was cry. As I went to bed that first night, I cried myself to sleep.

In the morning, I had a little time after breakfast, then was expected to go back to the common room for some group time and other things.

I remember sitting on my bed, with the door closed (the only way they would allow us to close our doors is if we were changing). I started at the closet overwhelmed at even the idea of pulling out any clothes to change into. As I sat there, crying again, I remember the words of this song running through my head. I don’t even remember hearing or singing the song before

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough.

I couldn't get it out of my head. A day or so later, I was discharged. Later that week I was at worship team practice, and guess what song we were singing that week? Yup. You guessed it...

So, now back full circle.
Enough.
Sufficient.

God used this train of though and connection of memories to bring me to thinking about the depression I have been struggling with.

Up to this point I have been very resistant to the idea that I would have to struggle with depression all my life. I kept asking God to heal me from it, to take it away, to at least let me get off the medications I’m on.

Every time someone talked to me about this possibly being my thorn in the flesh, I would calmly tell them, “I know, this may be mine.” Just to get them to stop talking about it.

Inside, to be honest, I felt extremely angry. I hated the thought that this was a thorn in the flesh for me – whether it was to show Christ’s strength in my weakness or not – the idea that I had to keep this, and that God wasn’t going to remove it infuriated me. I got stuck on the "thorn in my flesh" part of the passage and never moved beyond that to see the part about Gods power being made perfect in weakness. (see 2 Cor. 12:8-10)

When I heard someone say something to me about this being my “thorn in the flesh” I would clamp down on my reactions. I had to. I didn’t want to take off someone’s head when they really were well meaning and only trying to encourage me. But I could hardly stand it.

The specific question for the journal prompt Wednesday was, “How have I seen God powerfully reveal His supremacy and sufficiency to me personally?”

I reflected back to all the times in the past 3 years that God has held me up, been more than enough, filled me and empowered me. He has carried me through all the times of despair and depression, joy and pain and peace. He has carried me in His hands and painstakingly put me together a piece at a time.

I know He will always be working to free me and restore me. Sometimes pieces will get put together and I won’t even be aware of it right away.

Wednesday, that is exactly what happened.

God brought me to a point of suddenly being able to see with the eyes of my heart how He has been with me through this all.

I have agonized so long, wanting to be free of depression. Free from needing to take medications. I was to the point of messing with my meds, sometimes taking them, sometimes not, because I didn’t want to be on them anymore.

I asked God why He hasn’t freed me from depression… or at least from the meds. He has for others.

But then I realized.

Maybe He has used my struggle with depression to get me to the point of all these different surrenders. (Yeah, I know – duh – it takes me a while sometimes)

He opened my heart to see that He wanted me to take another step beyond the surrender two weeks ago. He wanted me to commit to believe Him and have an active, moving forward faith and trust in Him, then wait and see what He was going to do.

Now He wanted me to surrender even more fully.

Surrender more.
Trust more.
With a faith deeper than before.

So I said it.

He used depression to get me here.

So I responded to the prompt I felt in my spirit from Him. Obeyed Him.

I prayed.

“Ok, Lord. I will believe You and trust You, even if I am never healed from depression, even if I always have to take medications.”

Two weeks ago the ground work was laid for this decision of my will, spoken aloud, written down to be remembered

Now what?

Now, I am learning to stand on newly healed legs. Legs that used to be crippled, that never had been used. Like the crippled man, who in faith stood when Peter and John told him to stand. Who held onto them and jumped around for joy in the temple to the astonishment of all. Healed because of his faith, one who had been crippled from birth.

Newly healed legs. Strengthened ankles. Feet solidly placed on the Rock.

He set my feet upon the Rock that is Him, and I am leaning against Him. Resting. Looking. Learning what it feels like to actually stand on these healed legs.

Just waiting.

And in the waiting, doing the things He has placed before me.

Being a wife and mother.
Doing my administrative job.
Assisting on the Communications Team.
Leading worship on a Worship Team.

And, learning to really listen for my God, my Lord, my Jesus…. And be at peace.

This is truly a new place for me.

And I am overwhelmed….

By Faith....

2011-02-19T00:20:00.003-06:00

Today was a good day.

I sat at the coffee shop after dropping off the kids at their respective schools. I relaxed with my hazelnut breve and settled in.

It was the first day all week that I didn’t have to rush anywhere.

I took the time I needed to refill... to be recharged.

The last week I have felt God carrying me. I can’t describe the peace. I don’t know if it’s possible to even come up with the right words.

Last week I described how I felt pushed and pulled between what I knew God was wanting me to do, and what I felt He was calling me to, and what my self, my flesh was wanting to do. I was willfully choosing not to listen to Him.

After working on my bible study some a night or so after I wrote that post, I came across something about God wanting us to start believing Him. It was the time now, and we shouldn’t wait till tomorrow.

However, at that point as I read it, Dave was rolling over to turn out the light, so I had to wait. I just said in my heart to God that I wasn’t putting Him off again, but logistically I needed sleep, and my husband was turning out the light.

In the morning, I headed to the coffee shop before I went up to the church to lead our morning ladies bible study. There I sat, with my bible and bible study open, and my journal out. I wrote to God about where I was at, what I was feeling and my hesitations. I thought about my counseling session earlier in the week and how Tricia had been working with me, trying to help me really know and believe that even though this “thing” happened in my past, that I was still valuable, worth saving and pure.

The more I prayed through it, I could see how God had paved the way through my study that week on my value in God’s eyes, and that He wanted me to believe that I am who He says I am. God is so good how He orchestrates things. There is no way that this (and other things He has done) are coincidences.

I finally surrendered last Thursday morning. I sat in a secluded corner of the coffee shop, cried and wrote and told God that I was going to choose to believe Him. Right then and there. No matter what He called me to. No matter what it looked like. No matter what I had to leave behind.

In Hebrews 11:8 it says, “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”

I feel like God has been calling me to my promised land. Though I do not know where I am going, I am packing up my things, getting rid of what I don’t need to weigh me down in the journey, and I am obeying. I am going. I don’t know where. I don’t know what for. I don’t know how.

But I do know Who I am going with. I also know that He is going to reveal more and more of Himself to me. The more I know about Him, the more I will realize that God is that, and so much more. I will never learn all there is to know about God.

I am ok with that.

I just know that since I have chosen to believe Him… every day this week… I have felt a peace that I haven’t in a long time. I have felt a joy – not always that I’m happy – but a deeper internal “something” I can’t really describe.

Maybe it’s a knowing I’m not alone.
Maybe it’s the feeling that I’m finally making the right choices to believe Him.
Maybe it’s that I’m finally obeying Him.
Maybe it’s that I’m not running away any more.
Maybe it’s that I’m not holding onto my past.

I am finally choosing to believe that I am fully forgiven for every past sin – completely and absolutely forgiven. To the point that it is wiped out, demolished, destroyed.

I am finally choosing to believe daily that I have God’s child, He has a glorious inheritance for me, His incomparably great power is at work within me, He protects me under the shadow of His wing, and His love for me is far bigger, deeper, higher, and wider than I could ever imagine.

For me.

Me!

He knows me inside and out.

So do I.

He knows me better than I do, even the motives behind things I do, that I don’t even realize are there.

But He holds me tight, even when I let go of Him, he never lets go of me.

I know this because I have seen it.

I know this because for a while here I have let go of Him. Now I am choosing to grab back onto His hand (at least with a more conscious effort than in the past months) and believe Him for every promise He has given me. Promises He has given to all of us.

In love, we are blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, forgiven, secure, called, confident, free, anointed, able…

That is who God says we are… but there are even more things that are promises to us, just one of them being that He will never leave us or forsake us. (Yes, even when it feels like He has, He is still there)

Personally, I have the sense that I am being called out to my promised land here on this earth. I have a heavenly promised land, but I believe that God has a “promised land” here on earth that He wants to give me.

All He is doing is asking me to believe Him.
Asking me to follow where He leads.
Asking me to take the time and really listen,
Really watch to see where He is moving,
Where He is calling me to.

It’s not going to be in ways I expect maybe, but it is going to be great! Because our God is a great God!

I am excited. Scared. Anticipating what He will do in my life. Afraid. Anxious.

Yet at the same time I feel this very secure sense of peace. Yes, some things have come along this week to try to throw things into that peace. There have been times when I have succumbed to the pressure, but each time, God has turned my eyes, heart, thoughts back to Him and the peace has invaded my soul again.

I feel like He is asking me to just stay close to Him, resting in His embrace. I feel like I am truly covered with His feathers and finding refuge under His wings. (see Psalm 91) I am just standing next to Him, waiting as He points to something and says, “Try that, there. See how this stretches you? This is where I want you to go.”

One new little assignment He gave me that started this week. I don’t see the big picture. I’m not supposed to. He does though. I am choosing to trust. Choosing to take the time to see what He sees and to listen like He wants me to.

I am choosing to actively believe Him. Walking in faith. Walking, not just believing IN God, but BELIEVING Him. Believing Him leads to hope...

I want God to later say of me, “By faith Heather….”

Though this post is a bit late for the Walk with Him Wednesdays, I couldn't help but join in on this discussion this week, because I saw how God was working through time in my life - and asking me to take the time with Him I needed.

Please hop over to A Holy Experience and meet Ann. You are in for a treat.

The push and pull...

2011-02-08T17:08:00.001-06:00

This tendency I have to just resist God isn’t just resisting him. Resisting Him the way I am is a sin… it’s out and out disobedience. Not doing what God wants us to do {disobedience} is a sin. I can’t get around it any other way.

I know what God wants me to do. I want to do it, and find ultimate healing in the process. At the same time there is this part of me that is digging in and hunkering down. There is this push and pull inside me between what I want to do and what I should do. What I know is right, and what I willfully want to do.

What I am really doing is hardening my heart against God.

Good grief!

I mean look at what God did to the Israelites! Even though we are under the new covenant now, can I possibly think that God might let me get away with outright hardening of my heart against what He is wanting me to do?

It’s not like He’s wanting me to do anything that is some huge feat. He wants me to take care of myself so that I can heal.

Simple.
Straight forward.
Self-Care.

If I don’t take care of myself, my mind and my emotions and my spirit are not going to be able to heal the way they need to.

Eating. Yes, I am having problems with food. It started with really being sick every time I tried to eat because I was so emotionally upset by some things that started flooding in. I got to the point in the past month where really I have been eating one small meal a day, cause that’s all I have been able to force myself to do. Now I am finding that I don’t want to eat. I get hungry, but feel better when my stomach is empty than when I eat. I mean I eat when I have to, but when I do, my stomach still feels sort of upset, and doesn’t take very kindly to it.

I did talk to my counselor about, so she knows. Tricia said to me that for a while you can control the food, but soon it takes over and you find that it’s controlling you. I know I have to be careful here with this. I don’t want to get even more unhealthy and go backwards rather than forward. But at the same time, I am still struggling with the letting go that I need to do.

My meds. Yes, I am still struggling with this too. I have been fiddling with my anti-depressant, exactly what I tell others not to do. Yet I take it one day, and skip a day or two, then take it another day or so, and skip another day or so… and on it goes. Again, not the way I should be taking care of myself, not the way I would want my friends to take care of themselves.

Those are the main two areas that I am struggling with. I talked about both of them with Tricia yesterday. She asked me, focusing in more on the medication at the moment, why I wasn’t taking it. It took me a long time to answer her, but finally I came up with a couple of things.

The first was that it was something I could control. Like I am saying to God, “Ok, you can have there and there, but I am going to control this here and this one over here.” Then I perceive that I have some control somewhere in my life, when other things seem so out of control. That perception of control makes the swirling of the storms that come around me from time to time, seem less scary and out of control.

The other was that I feel like I don’t really deserve to take the medications that will make me feel better, almost as a punishment for the things that happened in the past. I don’t deserve to eat because I did such things, and allowed such things, and I am worthless, not worth saving, and helpless, and the only thing there is despair and on and on and on the lies go.

See, I even know they are lies.

I am leading the Bible Study, “Believing God” and I still am struggling with believing, actively believing God that I am who He says I am, that He can do what He says He can do, including heal me from my past and present, protect me in the future, forgive and redeem me.

But how much of my struggle is just simple rebellion, plain and simple hardening of my heart against the truth of God?

How much do I have to go through before I finally give in?

I have moments (like on Sunday) where I let down the walls. Moments where I let God control. Moments where I feel the freedom of that release and submission.

But they don’t last long, and I find myself wrapped back up in the same old thought patterns.

Even when I am trying to fill my mind with the truth, even when I am getting support and prayers and encouragement from others, going to counseling, working through a Bible study to keep me closer to Him, there is this stubborn core of me that feels like a little kid.

You know that kid.

The one who closes her eyes, plugs her ears, and yells “La, la, la, I can’t hear you….”

That’s what I feel like is part of me inside.

I don’t know to reach out to that little girl and pull her hands away from her ears and hold her and hug her and let her know that God isn’t going to hurt her. That He just wants to love her and lead her into her Promised Land.

To get to my Promised Land, I need to stop looking back and look ahead to the future land that is coming to me. Yes, it may seem to be filled with giants and scary and too big and too much. However, God is with me. He is walking with me. I have to keep on stepping out in faith and purpose to follow Him no matter what.

I’m not sure that I’m willing. Willing to let go. Willing to face the surrender, the lack of control.

It means freedom.

That freedom means open armed, open handed surrender and submission to God. I need to throw open my arms and stop protecting my heart and putting up walls between me and my God.

Oh God, break this hard heart of mine. Make me willing to be willing. Change my heart, renew my mind. Break through this hard shell I have built up and help me to move forward again, and not go backwards any more. Because you know, even as I pray this that part of me is still trying to plan how to hang on to what I want to hang on to. My will, my desires, my ideas are what need to get torn down, because they are becoming such idols in my life that I find myself only serving you half-heartedly. Bits and pieces. Here and there. Once in a while, as I listen to you and decide to do what you want in that instance. I don’t want to live like that any more. I hate the push and pull in my heart. I hate the tug of war that I am feeling between doing what you want and doing what I want. I hate knowing what I should do, and the exhaustion of try to fight myself, fight through the junk to do it. What is holding me back, God? What is keeping me from progressing and healing as fast as I did last time, as Tricia noted? What is stopping me from working as hard as I used to, to get healed? Because You know I can’t keep on going this way much longer. You know that I finally agreed to have Tricia hold me accountable to taking my medications. You know that I finally agreed to eat two meals a day, even if they are small and that Cindy is going to hold me accountable to that. You know that I want to take the right steps. But you know that I don’t at the same time. There is such opposition and fear, that I know isn’t from You. God, You know what I need better than I do myself. Help me to let go and let You and find the incredible paradox of freedom in submission to Your authority.

Living for Him = obedience

2011-02-06T22:59:00.000-06:00

It has been a long week or so, fighting off a sinus infection.

I am still not up to full speed, after a week on anti-biotic. I still feel stuffy, though not as bad as I was last weekend.

This morning I had to lead worship.
Now that I'm done leading, I'm exhausted.

Wednesday's rehearsal went relatively well. At least everyone else probably thought so. However halfway through the rehearsal found me nearly in tears. I had not been into work until noon, because I knew I had to stay late for rehearsal. I was exhausted, and I still wasn't feeling the best.

I made it to rehearsal, but was having a hard time hearing, because my head was so plugged up. It didn't help that we were introducing a new song that I had sung only a few times, with people who knew it. None of them were with me that night, and I was having a hard time with the rhythm. Between the piano player and the drum player, I was hearing two different things.

I was so close to tears that I had to move the rehearsal along to the next songs because I couldn't do any more.

This morning every single song went really well in the rehearsal. When we were done with rehearsal, I knew that I was going to be closing the set right before communion with prayer. So I looked up a few scriptures to use to pray through/with and did a quick photo copy of the pages to blow up the size a bit.

We did our opening set, I opened in prayer and turned it over our pastor.

When our pastor started his sermon, I kind of felt like God was pressing on me the words of the song. THE song. The one I had been struggling with the rhythms in rehearsal. I felt like He was asking me to really think about them.

"We bow our hearts,
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit, come make us humble."

And then our pastor started talking about partnering with God (through prayer), being devoted to the mission (doing what He told us to do in prayer - being obedient) and then keeping Christ central.

As he spoke, I felt the Spirit speaking to me.... I started praying and Pastor Kim's words just started sinking into my spirit. God really used that time of the sermon to get to me. To get me to humble myself, seek some forgiveness, and ask God what He wanted me to do.

I felt like I had to share something about this new song with the congregation before they learned it.

So I got up there without any other plans than to open my mouth and let God speak. I really didn't know what to say. I'm still not sure what all I did say.

When I got up front and got the mic, I asked our sound tech to put the words up for the song. I shared that we were going to be doing a new song, but before they concentrated on learning a song, I wanted them to really pay attention to the words, so that if they couldn't engage in the singing, they could engage with their hearts and minds with the words.

I read through all the words of the song, and said that if we were going to be God's people, really seeking His face, really seeking to do His will and obey Him, we needed to humble ourselves before Him. We need to tear down our idols and focus our hearts and mind on Him, worshiping no one and no other thing.

My heart, and words just came out, that I don't remember. But I invited them, as we started the song to stand, sit or kneel as they fell led, and to truly humble themselves.

It took all I had to keep from crying. I had to stop a few times because I started to choke up. I coudn't tell God no - well I could have. I could have not said a word. I could have just said that we were introducing a new song, and to stand and join in as they learned it.

But God wanted more.

I can't ask Him to speak to me, then ignore something He says cause it's uncomfortable to do - and then walk away and ask Him to speak to me in some other area, when I haven't obeyed Him in the first area. That was something Pastor Kim said today.

He said, "God cannot work through disobedient servants."

It was a moment for me this morning when I knew that I did exactly what God really wanted me to do and didn't shrink from it. I kept seeking Him the whole time, to make sure that there was nothing of "me" in it.

I think that if the real desire of my heart is to live for Him, I really have to start doing it. There are so many other things that I am fighting with, things where I am resisting Him in. But if I keep on resisting Him, how really am I living for Him? I am living for myself, just saying I'm living for Him, but not fully. Not totally sold out. Only living for Him when it's convenient for me.

I don't know what is going to come of it. If I will be able to follow through in other areas in my life. But I just know that He is changing me - working in me yet again.

I have counseling tomorrow afternoon, in the middle of my work day. When I am done, I have to return to work out the rest of the day. I don't know for sure what we will work through, that is in God's hands and not something I should really try to control.

There have been so many things that have gone down this past week to 10 days, that I don't know where to start with her, much less here on my blog! And there is still stuff from the past that isn't resolved either!

But, even with all that - the words of this song, "Give Us Clean Hands," still haunt me even now.

Below is a video from You Tube that is the closest to how we did it that I can find at the moment. It has all the words right along with it, so you can read along.

God did something this morning, in my heart, that I am still trying to figure out. The feelings of repentance, humbling of self, seeking God to give me clean hands and a pure heart, tearing down idols.... I don't know where it is leading. But I know that God did something, and is continuing to. I am praying that He won't let me dismiss it, or stop following Him, stop obeying Him where He wants me to.

God's fingerprints...

2011-01-30T20:59:00.001-06:00

It has been such a long weekend. Our Annual Celebration at our church went really well. People had a wonderful time at our "Mexican Fiesta" themed evening.

We had a taco bar, a quiz about Mexico, mexican cheesecake, a pinata for the kids, and the "Year in Review" slide show DVD. We had a lower turn out than expected, but it was a warm cozy atmosphere.

When I woke up yesterday, I knew I was in trouble though. I had been feeling better the last couple of days, though still sick, but had a difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights. When I woke, I felt much worse. But with all the things I had to do, I knew that I wasn't going to have time to go to the walk-in clinic until this afternoon, after church.

So, I dosed up on medicine and went through my day yesterday, and this morning. When I got up this morning, I found myself very dizzy and it was difficult to get myself moving. I ended up making it through church and our annual business meeting. After the business meeting, I was able to talk briefly to my friend, Cindy.

After talking to me, Cindy nearly pushed me out the door of the church to go to the walk-in. I was right. I was running a low grade fever, and have a sinus infection. So, I got my meds, picked up my son from the grandparents farm, and he and I watched a movie and rested on the couch together this afternoon and evening.

But, a God thing happened today, that I need to share.

Here I am, at the tail end of a busy weekend, and I can see all that God did this weekend to make it all happen... even giving me a bit of quiet time alone at the church yesterday in a lull between things.

Something big happened this morning though. As I was getting ready for church, the name of someone I know popped into my head. I have been praying for her for a while now, but with this whole weekend, though I had thought about her, there had been no specific prayers. But this morning, I just started praying around 8am or so, maybe a bit earlier, for her. I remember specifically asking God to keep her safe, and to help her know that He is with her, for some specific healing that she is needing, among other things. I also remember saying to God that I really didn't know what else to pray for her, but that He did, He knew what she needed, so to just work in her life.

I got to church, we started the service, and opening with some worship. After that we had announcements and then Pastor Kim got up to share with us some prayer requests and lead us in a prayer time. When he got up there, he shared with us that someone at church had gotten a call from this woman I had prayed for. She was in the ER, having flipped her truck three times, totaling it.

We immediately spent time praying for her. I later was able to connect with one of this gals friends, who told me that the accident had probably happened right around the time I was praying.

Praise God she is all right. A friend told me she has some cuts on her hands, and cut the back of her head, but because she had her seatbelt on, she didn't get thrown from the truck. All the windows were shattered, and I guess she actually climbed out of one of the windows just as the EMT's got there. She hit a patch of black ice as she was driving, and that was it.

I haven't seen her, probably won't be able to, but am so grateful to know that she is all right, and that she is with friends who are going to be checking on her throughout the night in case of a concussion. She is the single mom of a young man. I can't imagine how he's reacting right now, knowing what happened. One of my friends said that there is not one straight piece of metal on that truck, that it is a miracle that she survived this accident.

God orchestrated when I would be praying. He orchestrated that no other cars would be involved. He made sure she was buckled in, and that the EMTs arrived when they did. God also orchestrated our church body to help her. One friend drove two others to her at the hospital, and then got someone to go find her truck and get her things out of it. One of the gals at the hospital with her was able to go to her house and get her some necessary things for the night. Another friend is taking her and her son in for the night so she isn't alone and her son doesn't have to take on a burden of caring for her.

God's hand was in all of it, and I am so grateful for the glimpse I got today of how He works, and how He works through us, His body, when we are all functioning as one, when we are listening actively to Him, ready and willing to do what He says. I am thrilled by how He let me see His fingerprints all over it.

Laying low

2011-01-22T21:33:00.002-06:00

Yesterday and today I have been doing my best to lay low.

You see, I got the creeping crud that has been taking everyone else out. And, when mommy's sick, daddy's working, kids are in school, it's one thing - I was able to get some rest on Thursday, but yesterday and today, everyone has pretty much been home, and I have been "on call," as it were.

There is also another complication. Our church administrator (me) asked our resident computer/slide show guru (my husband) to put together a "Year in Review" slide show - utilizing pictures taken through the whole year of 2010 that she had collected. Running a bit (ok, a little more than a bit) behind schedule, she handed him over 18 GB worth of photos and videos.

Oh, not only that many photos and videos, but also a digital video camera with footage from a baptism we held in August. With the video still on the tape, not in the computer.

My guru is currently working on figuring out how to pull the video off the tape/camera and put it on his computer. He's arguing with the camera, till he found a output connection he needed, now he's mumbling and arguing with the computer and software issues trying to get this off.

He wouldn't be working on this so hard if the administrator (me) had remember to bring our still camera to the baptism to get photos of all 8 or 9 that were baptized at the same time. This was one of the first times in a long time we did a baptism, especially in the summer, inside our church. But we put it right in the service because these folks, their testimonies are so powerful, we really wanted their stories and their baptisms to be the sermon. It was a powerful service, and extremely moving for our church body to see first hand God working in these folks lives. And what a celebration we had!

So, all that to say, we really want bits of this video imbedded in the slide show.

The complication is added to when it was realized that my dear, sweet husband works next weekend, and the slide show needs to be ready to go for me on Saturday morning. He has this weekend to put it together. And a few evenings and a day or so this coming week.

Needless to say, I have had to be up and "with it" to keep the kids occupied. I had no idea what to do today, but Angela's family was staying at a hotel in town, with a pool, and invited me and the kids to come play with them. So, off we went. I was exhausted before I even got up this morning, so getting them there was a challenge, but once they were there, and acclimated to the water, I could settle in, and finally was able to relax in the hot tub for a bit. Literally for two kids who can't swim, they got used to that pool fast and had a blast.

That took care of the middle of the day... they got home and crashed out on the couch and played quietly. I was able to flop on the bed for a bit while daddy took care of supper, as he was at a pause in his work. Then I crashed with them on the couch, watched a bit of tv and helped get them into bed.

I am heading to bed soon, cause I am still feeling cruddy (not as bad as this morning, but if it takes me this long to get going tomorrow, I'm gonna be in trouble getting us out of the door to church!).

In the process of laying low, I have been reading and writing in my journal, but not many of my thoughts are clear, so I haven't wanted to share a lot here. I have been so emotional through last week, and last weekend, that now it feels like everything has numbed out. I know that may not necessarily be true, it may be the cold working against that, and God helping me get through a couple of very busy, tough weeks.... weeks that can't be easily navigated with emotions ranging all over.

That being said, I talked with a friend on Wednesday. We chatted for a while, and it helped me, though it was a bit painful, to realize that I have been pulling in on myself the blame and shame for several different things that have happened in the past. I have been taking on the other person's responsibilities. Not just in recent days, but I am realizing it is applying more and more to the relationship I am working through with Tricia.

I spent some time after our conversation in the sanctuary, in tears. I just have been so tired. With little sleep, and little food.... well, that doesn't help the emotions, much less the body in fighting off a cold.

So, though I have done little writing here recently, God is working in me and on me. He's writing on my heart some of the things that I need to remember. There are just too many to put to word here. I am still trying to figure out what they all are. Then I need to somehow get myself off the old paths, old grooves in my thoughts and get into new ones... make new paths based on the Truth, not the lies of the past.

Laying low is what I am doing. Keeping my head down and trying to get through what I have to. At the same time, God is still working on me... sometimes that's the best time for Him to get close enough for me to hear His whispers... when I'm laying low and have cut out the "fluff" of life that overtakes me so many times. When I get down to bare bones living, doing the bare minimum, those are the times when I am ready to listen. Just praying I remember what I have heard during this time.

Now, as I am nearly dozing as I try to write any more - I am off to try to get some better sleep than I did last night.

(Oh, and as of yet, my guru husband can't get the video off this camera. First the software he was downloading wasn't compatible with Windows 7, so he moved to a Windows XP machine. As of now, he has said that unless something happens, there is no way for him to pull off the video. He doesn't have the drivers and software needed for the video camera, and its so old, Sony doesn't even have the drivers on line. Unless the owners of the camera happen to have their software disks for their camera, and are actually able to find time.... no pictures or videos of the baptism.... my husband is very disgusted at the moment....)

Themes coming back....

2011-01-16T00:10:00.000-06:00

I remember writing back several posts ago how I felt that God was giving me the theme of faith and hope.

Interestingly, the bible study that I picked to do as our women's study is Beth Moore's Believing God. All about having a forward moving, active faith.

At the same time, I signed on to do the 1st and 15th Siesta Scripture Memory Team. On Beth Moore's blog, she has challenged as many of us who will take her up on it, to work on memorizing two bible verses a month, picking a new one every 1st and 15th of the month.

I had picked Hebrews 10:22 for my first one, which talked about drawing near to God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith. All about faith.

Well, as things have gone on the past week or so, finding myself really at a low point, lower than I have been in a long while, I talked to God about it this morning.

Thursday had been an emotionally difficult day. I had a 90 minute session with Tricia. We started working through a lot of the relationship with this guy back in college. It was very difficult to have read my "no send" letter to her the previous week, but it was even harder to feel like I was living it all over again. Tricia guided me through things, but by the time I was done, I was really done. Emotionally I felt like I had been through a wringer, and physically too, I had nothing left.

I have been having trouble eating, because when my emotions are all over the place and in knots, so is my stomach, and I have been eating very little. I also have been sleeping very little. So at the end of the session Tricia had me think about the place where I felt safe. And as I thought about it, I felt like God was holding me and I told Him I just couldn't keep on going or take another step. It felt to me like he was saying, "It's ok, I'll take it for you." I had a sense of rest in my exhaustion.

As Tricia realized just how exhausted I was, she asked if I had some time to myself before the kids came home. I told her I did, and she encouraged me to go home and take a nap. I said I was just plain tired and wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide. She said she was ok with that, as long as it would get me some sleep. So, I left her office, went down the hall and was even too exhausted to cry in the bathroom. I got in my car, talked to Cindy for a few moments and headed home.

I slept. I actually slept. I called Cindy when I got home cause my mind was racing like crazy. She prayed for me, asking for God's peace and protection among other things, and it was like a switch was flipped. She said she would continue to pray when we got off the phone, and I hung up and was asleep within seconds.

Then yesterday morning I had a wonderful time at the local coffee shop. I was able to do some good studying of the bible, working through a bit of my Believing God study (I am starting to work ahead of the other ladies so I can be prepared, and will go back and review each week as we go). I also had the privilege of my daughter falling asleep on me there for a while. She snuggled in and I was able to keep on writing and studying and reading as she slept.

But I had a rough afternoon. Just got side-swiped by some things. I knew something like this was coming, but it still surprised me with the intensity of my emotional reaction to them. I was really in the pits last night and it wasn't pretty. My poor husband had no idea what to do with me. That's ok, neither did I.

That brings me back to this morning. I took off to run some errands and stopped at the coffee shop for a hazelnut breve, and settled in with my bible study. I just needed a break to kind of recover and regroup from yesterday. Before I started though, I talked to God about my week. I told Him I really needed a shot of hope because I didn't see any. I was looking around in Romans, and decided to flip back to Hebrews 10 to read the context around my previous verse (22). When I did I saw verse 23 and knew that was the one for me this time.

Get this one:

"Without wavering let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise."

Hebrews 10:23 New Living Translation

I mean, really? There is a God thing for sure. He answered my prayer for a verse on hope within a few moments of me asking Him. I saw answered prayer. That in itself is a shot of hope.

I have to hold tightly to the hope I say I have. I need to see God's promises to me. I have to otherwise I am going to go crazy. I don't say that lightly. I need the hope or I sink into despair. But there are some days I don't have the strength to hold onto the hope. This week has been full of them, yet somehow I keep on moving forward. I don't know how. It's only God.

I need to cling to the hope that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals. That He will bring healing into my life - continue what He has started in my life - and continue what He has started in the lives of those around me who are hurting so badly. I have to cling to the promises that I am loved, redeemed, secure, chosen, significant, accepted, precious, honored, a treasure, pure. I need to find bible verses on those and start choosing to read, pray through and meditate on those every time the lies come in, and the pain floods my heart, and the thoughts and worries overtake me.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow and not. I am looking forward to worshiping with others, though I have a feeling there will be tears in the process. I am looking forward to seeing Cindy and Sandy and some of my other friends there. But there are reasons that it is going to be painful in the going. Things that are reminders. Reminders of things I am going to have to grieve the loss of, though there is hope of restoration. (See another area of loss that I need to see hope in.)

My anxiety level is high.
My capacity to withstand any more "blows" is very low.
My fear of the unknown is high.

In the face of all that I need to hold tightly to the hope I say I have WITHOUT WAVERING because God can be trusted to keep His promises!

Oh Lord, help me. I believe, but please help me overcome my unbelief!! Strengthen me and sustain me for I am so weak. Help me to relax in your hands and cling to You who are the hope we all are looking for.

Letting go... surrender

2011-01-11T19:06:00.002-06:00

How do I write out what's in my heart when I don't know what's there?

How do I try to express myself, when I feel numb?

How do I take care of myself the way I am supposed to?

I don't want to eat.

I'm afraid to sleep cause of the bad dreams.

My stomach flips and flops at the thought of food.

I struggle with having to take the meds I need.

I don't want to take them.

Obviously I am not doing well today.

I actually am better than yesterday. Sunday evening I cried till I was nearly sick. Then calmed down a bit and did some writing in my journal. Then cried myself to sleep.

Yesterday I got to work, sat in the sanctuary for a bit and tried to pray, and just sobbed some more.

Today. No tears. Nothing. I feel flat. Maybe that is a good thing.

I have to go see Tricia on Thursday afternoon for my appointment with her. I just am, well scared to go I guess. Because I don't want to face the junk that is there from that letter I wrote.

I keep on reading today things that talk about how only God can fill our empty places. How we need to let go of control of things, because God has it all already. How it's through the hardest times that the most worthwhile things come.

I know all that in my head. My heart doesn't get it. Maybe I do believe that God should punish me for all that I did wrong. I think I do believe that I deserved what I got, and that I don't deserve any better.

I should get mad at the enemy for using something so awful like that to affect me for so long. But in reality, all I have been able to do is get mad at myself and beat myself up more.

A friend asked me, what am I running from? Why am I trying to sabotage myself by not doing my part in caring for myself until my appointment? She said that maybe that would be something to focus on until the appointment rather than what is coming.

The problem with that is, I think I am running from God because I know He is going to "make" me face what I don't want to. (Not that He will force me to, but once I get into Tricia's office, I know I am going to go ahead with it, because that's who I am and how I'm wired) I don't want to face the lies... because seeing the truth up next to them is so extremely painful.

How can the truth be so painful?
Or is that just a perspective thing?
Probably the lie is what is so painful, and the enemy is twisting it to make me think the truth is the painful one.... I don't know.

Why am I sabotaging myself? I don't know for sure. Maybe as a backhanded way of punishing myself for my part in the relationship? Maybe I am listening to the lies too much - the lies that are shouting in my head that I'm not worth it, not worth anything. That I'm just a piece of junk, and that I don't deserve my husband and my kids and don't deserve to be happy.

I know that those are lies, but I can't seem to get myself beyond them. In Deuteronomy 7:6 (I'm going to personalize it and paraphrase it) It says that God chose me to be His. To be his treasured possession. I keep on bumping into that scripture everywhere I turn in the last week.

I read it, and it jars something in me. It goes contrary to everything I'm feeling and thinking. I know its the truth. So I suppose it's bumping up against the lies that are perpetuating my feelings and thoughts.

When I'm where I am at right now (and I've been here before) I feel like all my strength is gone. Which means the only way I am going to be able to move forward is if God takes the steps for me. Because I sure can't right now.

No. I am not saying I want to die. I am not down that far yet (I don't think) but I sure would love to curl up somewhere and not have to deal with anything or anyone for a good long time.

Isolation

Insulation

Neither are very good for me right now. But it's where I'm at.

Also, its hard right now because a good friend, who's been a good source of encouragement, and also someone I have been able to help and encourage too, needs a bit of space. Oh how the enemy tries to use our weaknesses against us, and give things a stir!

This time, I think God may have given things a stir instead, before the enemy could. I think it is protection. That's what I had been praying for in our friendship. Protection and God's will. Now I am praying it is His protection and that our friendship will endure.

I don't know what the next few weeks are going to look like. How do I respond? How much, or when, can I call, or email her? I know she needs her space to deal with some major stuff she is going through. But I hate the unknown. I want to know what it's going to look like in the next few weeks. How uncomfortable are we going to be with one another? How do I know when it's ok to call and see how she's doing and make sure she's safe?

I know God's got it. I know that He love me. He loves her. So I know that He has it all under control. I'm just trying to let go.

Let go.
Of another thing.

Right now, all I feel I can control is my eating, meds, my sleeping... and even that stuff I can't completely control.

Because God is asking me to let go of that stuff too. To let go and let Him work. I need to surrender to His will, His way, His timing. When I try to rush things or slow things down, I know I make things worse. It's a proven pattern if I look back at my history.

I know I will eventually cave in to what God wants. I will do what He is asking me to, because everything is going to be pretty miserable if I don't.

So the struggle continues. My will or His? My way or His? My "truth" or His?

Am I going to finally learn to let go and stop fighting Him? How long does it have to take before I finally stop beating my head against brick walls?!

I guess it's one situation at a time. I am going to need to try to figure out how the heck to let go and surrender. Let go of this friendship, stop worrying about her and how she is doing and let God protect and care for her. Surrender the friendship to God and pray for her rather than worry about her. Praying is active. Worry just eats me alive. I am going to have to let go and surrender to let God heal me too. I need to stop fighting the healing process.

I guess that is what I am doing right now. I ask God to change me and show me and lead me and guide me to His next for me. Then the feelings of being out of control wash over me as change comes, and I start digging in my heels. I want to cling to what I know.... even if it's not good for me.

I have to let go.
Believe the truth.
Let go of the lies.
Trust my God.
Turn and face the pain.

The only way out of the pain is to face it.

Face it? Yeah. About that. Don't want to. It hurts bad enough as it is. But God wants me to let go of the hurt. He wants me to let Him take my fingers off it, bit by bit, let Him see it, wash it out and heal it. The longer I hang onto it, the worse the scar will be in the end.

The pain is nearly unbearable as I lay myself out on the alter. I know. I have done it before. God doesn't demand me to, He just asks in a gentle whisper if I trust Him enough to let go.

Let go and let Him.

Right now I see nothing but brick walls. Walls that I had started to take down in trust, that I am throwing back up as quick as I can. Walls that have been there for years, concealing fearful things I refused to look at. Walls that God is wanting to take down a piece at a time to redeem the things behind them. Walls covering wounds. Walls that I keep beating my head against, getting nowhere at all.

Thursday - I have to let go of my control and let God take those walls down. If I don't, I am not going to be able to breathe freely.

I'm scared.
I'm hurting.
I'm in such pain, it almost doesn't hurt to hurt myself more.

Does that make sense?

God, help me let go. Help me see the hope on the other side of this mess. Help me see You for who You really are. Help me believe you. Not just IN you, but believe you. Believe that I am who you say I am and You are who you say you are, and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I don't feel strong. I feel weak and broken and out of control. Help me somehow start to do something right for myself... to treat myself as Your treasure... even if I don't feel I am. Help me to start taking care of myself so that I have the strength to face the things you want me to on Thursday afternoon. Help me surrender.

truth meeting lies...

2011-01-05T16:54:00.000-06:00

I wrote so much last week, having to write that "no send" letter, that I was out of a lot of words, once I wrote about it here last Wednesday. Now here it is a week later, and a new year, and I find I haven't written at all.

Weird, because writing is such an outlet for me. I have journaled some, but coming off of such a counseling session on Monday, I am exhausted.

I didn't sleep well over the weekend. I dealt with a lot of anxiety (still am) and got maybe 4 hours of sleep, max for 3 nights running. Last night, finally, I slept nearly 7 hours. I am still exhausted, but feel like I have to keep going to fulfill commitments made.

I am hoping I can get all my work done around the house tonight to be able to rest and not have my mind run away from me.

Monday's session was grueling with Tricia. Before I went in, I was able to talk with a friend, who gave me a hug and encouraged me to keep on doing what I had to.

I had an hour and a half session. We talked a little bit at the beginning and I was able to tell her about my Christmas and my father, and everything that had happened. Then she asked how everything else was, and I shared that I had written the letter. I shared how hard it was, and how much it took out of me.

She asked if I was willing to read it. I said that I needed to. She asked permission to interrupt me if she had questions, and I gave it to her, and then started reading.

Halfway through she interrupted me for only about the 2nd or 3rd time, and asked how much more I had to read. I told her half, and then she realized we had a 90 minute appointment, not 60 so we were good to go. When I finished the letter, I was able to sit back, but had a hard time looking her in the eyes, or even in her direction.

She told me, confirmed what I had been thinking in the back of my head I guess, that this really was an abusive relationship, in many aspects, and contained a lot of sexual assault that I had describe in my letter. That's why it was so painful to write, and nearly impossible to read. That's why I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest before I even entered her office.

For the last 20 minutes of my appointment or so, we talked through some things, but she didn't want to dig too deep because she didn't want to take me to a place that I wasn't safe, and just wanted to really be able to dig into that the next time.

Next week Thursday I have another 90 minute appointment to really start to work through the relationship and pain and anger that is so contained in there. In the meantime Tricia wants me to think through these three things:

What was the worst thing about this (relationship) -- a portion? The whole thing?
What is the negative cognition, what is the lie or lies I am believing because of it?
What is the positive cognition, what do I want to believe about myself (the truth) even though this happened?

These I have to come up with between now and then, as it will really not only help me process now, but will shorten the preparation time in our session. Then we will have more time to do the actual therapy.

I have the letter still in my bag, cause I can't bear to look at it, but am carrying it around with me so I know where it is, and no one else will read it. I don't know what to do with it yet, or if I am ready to do anything with it yet. I probably will burn it or something like that. I do need to get rid of it, but I guess I'm not ready yet.

My emotions have shut down pretty much, and I feel like they are on auto pilot. I walked with a friend through some pretty tough stuff in the last day or two, so that has distracted me as well. It helps to focus on someone else for a bit, rather than myself. It helps me to not feel like I'm drowning in my own "stuff."

One of my friends gave me a "safe place" to go after my session so that I didn't have to go home and deal with children right away, but could have some time to regroup so I didn't come unglued when I had to deal with their demands.

We sat and talked or were quiet as either of us needed. I was actually able to doze off for a while and rest, when I finally warmed up enough. We sat and cried together as we shared our stuff with each other, as we felt led and just rested. When I finally left, I felt like I was in a safer place emotionally than I had been when I got there. Though I was still exhausted, I at least was able to function and not feel like I was going to lose it with some unsuspecting person.

Now that I am able to get work done and finish up my week at work at least, I am finding myself struggling with wanting to run away from God, from everything, right now, and trying to find somewhere where it is safe for me to just collapse and be me.

I am so grateful for the miracle God performed in a friend's life last night. She was struggling SO much the past week, and was terrified by some things that had happened the night before, and last night, she slept in peace, for the longest she has in a long time. That was a miracle in itself, then I got to see her today, and just the change in her countenance that was so apparent was a miracle as well.

So, I am praising God for that, which is drawing me closer to Him. But I am pushing away from the emotions that I have buried. Pushing away from the things that I know are true. The truth is fighting against the lies that are flying through my head and in my face that are probably rooted in this relationship I am trying to work through.

How can I feel compelled to run and feel myself being drawn at the same time? Both of them against each other feels like it is pulling me to a complete standstill. I know that the strength of that which is drawing me and wooing me is much stronger than that which is pushing me and compelling me to run. But which do I choose? Moment to moment it seems to swing.

I want time away with God tonight, but there are many things to be done before people come over tomorrow night. I have less time tomorrow to do things than I had originally planned. All these things threaten to keep me busy and too occupied to really focus on God or what I know He wants for me.

All I want to do is stop feeling and thinking. All God wants me to do is allow Him into these so very painful, wounded, abused areas. I am afraid to open them up. I don't want to. I know the hurt of having wounds cleansed. I know the healing on the other side too. But I am resisting the cleaning process because of the pain involved.

I was told to care for myself this week. I was told to treat myself gently. i found a verse in Deuteronomy 7:6 that a friend picked for her 1st scripture memory verse for the year - and it spoke to me and hurt me at the same time.

"For you are a holy people, who belong to the Lord your God. Of all the people on earth, the Lord you God has chosen you to be his own special treasure" (NLT)

Chosen to be His own special treasure? That means I am to treasure myself the way He treasures me. In spite of what happened. Really?

And this is where the lies are fighting the truth. This is where my actions actually back up what I am believing. Because I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to treat myself gently, I don't want to take my meds. The only thing that is making me do some of these things, some of the time is that I have one or two people who know what is going on who are asking me if I have done what I should, or at least expect me to tell them if I have or haven't.

I am better today than I was last week Wednesday after finishing writing the letter.
I am better than I was when I first realized how bad these memories were.
I am better than a few years ago when I first started counseling with Tricia.

I am trying to cling to hope and to have faith.
Where the truth meets the lies and the rubber really hits the road is where I am having some problems. That's where the impulse to run away comes and I want to flee. From everyone and everything.

faith AND hope - theme for a new year...

2010-12-31T19:30:00.000-06:00

I think God has made it clear to me that I have a theme for this coming year.

Wednesday I talked in my post about hope, and how God seemed to impress it upon my heart.

All day yesterday and today, God rather "hit me over the head" to make sure this thick brain would get it, that I needed to focus on faith and hope (It might end up being faith, hope and love.... but right now, faith and hope are the ones that I really feel like God speaking to me about)

I love Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

But I really like how the New Living Translation says it.
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

I was reading between different blogs, and all of them were pointing towards faith and hope.

I think that this verse from Hebrews is going to be my anchor verse for 2011. I am going to have it in the front of my scripture memory spiral, and make sure I keep on hanging on to it throughout the year.

Do you find God leading you to a theme for this new year, or any specific bible verses? If so, I would love to hear yours.

hope...

2010-12-29T18:19:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was an extremely hard day. I didn't know how hard it was going to be as I was driving in to work.

I wish I could have taken a picture of all the trees, bushes, and even weeds and grass that stuck out from under the snow. They were covered with frost. Every last one of them, all over them... just white and perfect as could be.

I marveled at it all the way to work, and just from that felt God speaking the word "hope" to me. I didn't know why, but there it was.

I had been working on a "no send" letter to this man in my past who abused me and caused me a lot of pain. Tricia had asked me if I would write it last week at our appointment, and I almost said no to her. I told her I didn't think I could... but by the end of the appointment, I finally agreed that I would try.

Tricia said that one of the things I should try to do is identify the anger. Because there is anger there, but I just don't know where it is or how to get at it. That's why she wanted me to write - because it was a healthy and safe outlet for my anger.

So I had been working on the letter on Monday, on and off as I did other work around the office. I got to a point where it was past my normal work hours and I just sat in one of the offices, in a recliner that was in there and continued to write. I had to stop by 6pm because I had to go and pick up my kids.

Once they were in bed that night, I sat in my bed with my computer and continued to write the letter. It was so hard. I found myself remembering things that I hadn't before, images were coming into my head that I was so disgusted at. I have been feeling so dirty and ashamed.

Yesterday, I had some time at work again, because I was the only one in the office and I was waiting for some newsletter articles to be emailed to me. I worked on the letter on and off, needing to take breaks and work on other things in the meantime, to walk away from the stress the letter was putting on me.

At about 2:30, one of my friends called me before an appointment to see how I was doing. As I shared what I was going through as I was trying to write it, it was all I could do to keep from having a panic attack. She could tell there was a lot of panic there, and talked with me a bit until I calmed down some. She then asked me if the words kept flowing as I was writing. I told her they were. But I just wanted to stop. It was too hard, and too ugly, and to disgusting to me. I was nearly sick to my stomach and hadn't been able to eat anything cause it made me nauseous every time I thought about food.

She said that I knew myself better than she did, so to take what she suggested with that in mind, but she strongly suggested that I keep on writing and get it all out, purged out of my system. She said that she would pray for me before she went in to her appointment and then that she would stop by when she was done.

In the meantime, after collapsing on the couch in the office I was working in, in tears and exhaustion, I sat back down at my computer and reluctantly started to type again.

The next time I looked up was through tears as I saw my friend walking into the building out of the corner of my eye. When she came through the door of the office, I saved my file and closed the computer and nearly dropped it on the floor next to me.

She asked how far I had gotten and I said that I was at page 8 or 9, I don't remember now. Then she asked how I was doing.

I just shuddered at first.
Then I was able to start expressing how I was feeling.

I feel dirty. Used. Worthless. Afraid to look anyone in the eye for fear that they will be able to read me like an open book, that they will be able to see the dirtiness that is so apparent to me. I feel like I am covered in such filth, inside and out, and there is no getting clean.

Those feelings are still there, which is why I put them in the present tense. Now they aren't as strong, and the feelings are more controllable. At least today so far.

We talked some more, and she encouraged me, out of her own experiences, the way I have in the past for her. She cried with me, knowing first hand the pain I was going through. She encouraged me to try to find something, anything to eat. Anything that sounded good. To take care of myself and be gentle with myself.

Prefacing what she had to say again with the idea that I know myself better than she does, she encouraged me to stay here at the church where it was quiet and I was alone, where I felt safe, and keep on writing, as much as I could.

She prayed with me, for me, then got up and gave me a big hug. We stood in the office facing each other and I couldn't look her in the eyes. I tried to pull myself together a little bit, and she said to me that I was going to get through this, and that God had made me a strong woman. I started to cry again and said that I didn't feel like it, and she said she knew, that's why she said it.

As she left she told me that she would keep on praying for me... and to call her later if I needed to.

I sat back down, cried and continued to write until some people started coming in to do some work in the building, and then I packed up and went home to get the kids and finish out my night with them. Once they were in bed, I managed to eat a couple of eggs and some toast. It sat very heavy, but at least it was something.

Then, reluctantly I sat back down on my bed, with my laptop and opened up the letter once again.

When I finally finished writing, I was only 400 short of 10,000 words... and came in at about 15 pages. The exhaustion I felt was total. I ached, my eyes burned from staring at the computer screen so long and from crying. My head hurt and my stomach rolled... and I had run out of words finally... and many emotions had poured themselves out through those words.

I saved the letter to my hard drive, and closed up the computer. Without moving from my bed, though it was almost 11pm, I called my friend. She got on the phone, knowing it was me, and I just said... "I finished it."

She was so glad for me, though I couldn't be. I still am not... though there is a bit of relief that I haven't had to open up that document today at all.

We talked a bit, I cried some more, and she just let there be long silences in the conversation as I needed it. I was shaking and cold and sweating all at the same time.

Before we got off the phone she reminded me to treat myself gently the rest of this week, because I needed to take care of myself. She said whether that was a bubble bath, sleeping in late, eating whatever sounded good to me, trying to get to bed early, making sure I took my meds so I didn't flip out more because of that.... whatever it took.

She also predicted that if I put on some quiet worship music, that I would probably be asleep in 15 minutes or so, because of how drained, how tapped out I was.

She was sure right about that!

I slept, and don't remember too much about my dreams, though I know I had some, and I was very restless.

Today I got into work and sat in the sanctuary. I just sat there and cried and talked to God and cried some more. I tried to just rest in His arms, in His love.

I finally managed to pull myself together because the secretary was coming into the building and started my day. I worked piece by piece on the things that God laid before me for the day. They were simple things, and things I could control, unlike my emotions or my stomach.

At some point in the day, my friend dropped off her son at church to work on a youth project, and she stopped to see me in the office before she left. We talked for a while, and she told me that she could tell I was doing better. I think she is right. I feel more stable now than I was yesterday. I had attainable goals today (including finishing and printing the newsletter - that just finished printing behind me as I type) and I was able to keep focused on those for the most part.

My emotions are still all over, and I need to spend some time with God, another way to be gentle with myself, and nurture myself a little bit. Because right now, being close to God is scary to me, because though I know He sees everything that's going on, when I get closer, well... He sees everything that's going on.

(I know... I know)

Before I go though, I have to share what happened just before I started writing again yesterday afternoon. I looked across the room, out the window and realized that sitting on the window ledge was a little plaque... it was just the carved out letters.... "hope"

I grabbed my cell phone and took a picture of it and got it as the background on my phone. That way, every time I look at my phone, there it is... to remind me that there is always hope... even when I don't see it.

I would upload it here for you, but for the life of me, I don't know how to do that yet from my phone (it's new) so maybe I can add it later.

There is still hope.
Even though I remembered a bit more this morning that I have to write.

There is still hope.
Even though I am going to have to read this letter to Tricia on Monday at my appointment with her.

There is still hope.
God has healed me before, from some horrible things. He can heal this too.

Please keep on praying for me as I continue to process this stuff. The kids are still off of school, and I will be needing to care for them and be functional for them the next 4 days. Pray that I won't go crazy, though I feel like I already am.

I am now off to take some time to remind myself that there is still hope - and then go and lead worship practice tonight yet before I go home.

Darkness has brightened....

2010-12-25T11:52:00.000-06:00

Yesterday found me struggling. Missing my parents and our Christmas Eve traditions. I was experiencing a deep exhaustion, depression, and a pressure of deeper darkness than I have had for a while.

I struggled to hang in there and just breathe. I curled up under the blankets after having cleaned a friends driveway, trying to warm up and trying to regain my composure. Trying to prepare for celebrating with Dave's family.

I called a friend and we talked on the phone for a little bit and she shared with me and asked some questions, and then told me she was going to lift me up in prayer.

I grabbed my heating pad, bible and journal and curled back up under the covers, still trying to get warm. I spent some time in prayer and slowly relaxed as I warmed up. I spent some time in tears as I tried to pray. Finally I was able to settle my heart, and read through a Psalm. Then I set my alarm and succumbed to what I really had wanted to do in the first place.

I curled up, under the covers, pulled them over my head and was finally able to sleep for just a little bit.

I got ready, Dave picked me up and we headed to the farm to spend time with his family. I was able to relax and converse and just have a good time catching up with his relatives.

I wasn't able to spend any time in the Word last night, but this morning I woke up and didn't have to rush too much, as the kids were at the farm and had their stockings to keep them occupied for a little bit.

Before I even stepped foot out of bed, I had the chance to pray, read through parts of Luke 1 and 2, journal, just rest in His presence.

God rested me, held me, comforted my heart.
He renewed me.

I am still tired, and struggling some with my mood, and the sense of depression, but the deep exhaustion has lifted some, the darkness has brightened, just like a candle flame brightens a dark room.....

.... and I am reminded.

You, O Lord keep my lamp burning, my God turns my darkness to light. (Psalm 18:28)

God is good my friends. Sing praises to Him today. He is the lifter of my head. May you experience His love, joy and peace this day and every day.

Christmas Traditions Interrupted

2010-12-24T10:46:00.001-06:00

Update:
Well my dad is home. The doctor really didn't know what caused the pain or inflammation. They had him on antibiotics and his high blood count seemed to come down some, so they sent him home. So he is home and supposed to follow up with his doctor... He was very tired tonight so I didn't talk directly to him, he was in bed when I called. Keep on praying for him, that they would be able to figure out what it was, so that he can avoid it again. Thank you!!!

------------------------------

Our family traditions with my side of the family got interrupted this year.

Last night I got a call from my brother that my dad had been having abdominal pain all day, cramping, etc. He was thinking it was something that he ate. By the end of the day he had called my mom to come home and take him to the hospital.

When my mom arrived home, he was in such a bad way that she called 911.

Once they heard a little more, my brother called me back and said that all his blood work was good and the EKG was fine too, and that there was nothing wrong with his heart. They had to wait for a while for a CT scan. Once the results of that came back, my brother called me back again.

The CT scan seemed to show inflammation in his lower small intestine. The word they were throwing around was diverticulitis. My hubby, the nurse, said that didn't seem to make sense as diverticulitis usually is in the large intestine. They admitted him to the hospital overnight last night.

Right now, that's still where things stand. We don't know anymore this morning than we did last night. My mom finally got home from the hospital to get some food and sleep at midnight last night.

We were all supposed to head for Madison today to connect with my family there and celebrate Christmas. However my mom and dad and brother will not be traveling. I hope to hear more soon about my dad, but for now we are staying home.

Also, my daughter woke me up this morning and ended up getting sick to her stomach. So, even if my dad weren't in the hospital, we probably wouldn't be traveling. I don't know when we will gather with my family, but at least we will be home with my hubby who had to work today and tomorrow. We can spend tonight and tomorrow morning with him.

Please do pray for my dad, that the doctors would figure out what is going on, so that they can treat him properly and he can get home soon.

Thanks so much, God bless and have a wonderful Christmas.

Telling the truth

2010-12-16T20:51:00.000-06:00

My appointment last week was successful in that by the end of it, I was in enough a better state from when I went in. Tricia talked with me for the hour, just walking me through the memories, thoughts and lies I was struggling with.

At the end, she looked a little bit relieved and said that I seemed to be doing better than when I came in. She asked if that was wishful thinking, and I said no, I did feel better.

I went back to work this week, after a VERY snowy and cold weekend, and got through the first two days relatively well. It feels like the memories have faded some to the background. Not maybe that they have faded, but that I have been allowed to ignore them and live above them for the time being.

However, yesterday, I started having my anxiety ramp up. It started with trying to help our pastor with a computer problem, then solving other problems, and by the end of the day, I was so frustrated. As I was coming home, my anxiety was going higher. I had to take the kids to their Wednesday night church activities, and by the time they were dropped off, I had to get out of the town, over the bridge to the nearest McDonald's. Sounds weird, but I just needed a spot to park and breathe, and as I needed to eat, that was the first place I thought of.

I grabbed my phone and tried calling Cindy D. first, but we were able to talk for only a few minutes, long enough for me to tell her about the anxiety attacking me right then. Then I tried calling my best friend, Cindy, but she was so sick, she wasn't even able to answer her phone.

I realized that God just wanted me.

So I grabbed my bag and went inside McDonald's, got some food, and then settled down to eat, read and journal. I had gotten a book from a friend, so I read through some of that and made notes about what hit me and what I felt like God was saying to me.

I am much more stable than I was last week. Partially because, well, because I am being a better girl than I was last week.

You see, I had my appointment with Tricia last Monday, but the week before that I started fighting with myself about taking my anti-depressant. I don't really know why, but I didn't want to take it. I thought I was doing better, and as I had a counseling appointment coming up, I wanted to be able to "feel" the emotions (not that I can't now... but I think they can be much more intense - and painful as I learned) as I was going through the appointment.

So, I started slacking off on taking it. Like skipping two days, taking it one, skipping 3 days and then having my Monday appointment. Then I don't really remember when I took the next one, maybe Tuesday night after I got home from my friends house... after my day full of panic attacks.

When I talked with Tricia on Thursday at my added in appointment, she said that she had brought up my case in her collaberation that morning because she was concerned that I was going backwards rather than forwards. She said that two different people had asked if she knew if I was taking all my medications. She told me she would have never thought to ask that, so asked me if I had been taking them all. I said that I had missed a "couple" of the anti-depressant. When she asked why, I froze, and then blurted that I had lapsed between refills. When she asked again how many I had missed, I told her 2-3.

I out and out lied to her.

Why would I lie to someone that I profess to trust, who has walked with me through so much? I have never lied to her that blatantly before! I don't get it.

Once I started taking my meds again and started to think more clearly, I started asking myself this, but shying away from God just yet.

Yesterday, it really came to a head as I talked with a friend again on the phone. No one knew about my not taking my medication, except for one friend and his wife whom I told through an email. At one point, she asked me why I was having a hard time doing something else Tricia had asked me to do, and if I was going to tell her. When I said I wasn't sure, she asked me why, because she knew that I was pretty brutally honest with her.

Then I just spit it out and told her that it was because I hadn't been honest about some other things. There was some silence on the other end of the phone as she thought a minute and then she said that she wasn't going to ask if I didn't want to tell her. So, I blurted it out about how much of the meds I had missed, and that I had purposely done it.

It was hard to say, but good I think, because I needed to say it to someone real, someone who knows me in real life, who can get right up to me, in my face, and find out if I am taking them or not... or at least, she won't mother me, but is someone I can go to if I am struggling with it.

Now though, she made me realize that I have to tell Tricia.
and I don't want to.
I don't want to disappoint her.

She asked me if I was punishing myself. We had talked the previous day about the little things, like not eating well, or staying up too late, or not taking care of my hand well enough - and as random comments popped out of my mouth, it became apparent that I really didn't think highly enough of myself to take care of myself the way I should. It's way better than it used to be, but still, not where it should be.... still lies there to be uncovered and dealt with.

So she asked me if I was punishing myself. If I thought that I didn't deserve love (or I would insert here peace, joy or freedom) enough so I was delaying the healing process by not taking my medication correctly.

Honestly, I don't know. I guess maybe I have been in a way. I think I knew that my body/emotions were going to react that way because of not taking the meds. And I didn't care. It isn't too hard for me to do something that will inflict emotional pain on myself. Leave some issue unresolved, and then stop taking medications, and self sabotage.

At one point yesterday I said to myself, and to God that I really didn't want to live with that 19-20 year old that did those things, and that was subjected to those things back in college. I blurted out (I was alone in the sanctuary) that she really should just die.

I heard those words echo through the sanctuary, and I looked to the front, at the cross.
Then said, "She really doesn't deserve to die, because neither does anyone else I have talked to, that I know who have been abused or made bad decisions."

Then I left a question hanging in the air and walked out of the sanctuary.

"Now that we are all forgiven and covered by Your blood, do we still deserve to die, anyway?"

The obvious answer is that by God's mercy and grace, He wants to heal us from those things in our past that have hurt us so. I know that. But there is part of me that just wants to crush that girl who was, and grind her out of existence so I don't have to think about her anymore.

What God really wants me to do is to embrace her... go back to her as the adult I am now and embrace her and give her the love that she wasn't getting from another human being, and through that, point her to God. Point her to the truth. In so doing, I will open the door (with God's help) to Him coming in and healing her, healing me and there will be no more "her" and "me" but there will be "I." I will be more whole, more integrated, more healed, and more able to deal with other pains, or resolve other conflicts and grow up some more.

One of the most effective ways for me to go back and embrace that little girl that needs love so much is through the process of EMDR, as Tricia guides me through it. God has healed me so much, and so quickly many times, and so effectively, using that process.

But from experience, I have learned that it doesn't work very well when there are barriers between you and your therapist. Whether she knows of it or not. I have had times where we have gotten blocked and when God finally led me to tell her something, as we started the EMDR God met me in a powerful way.

If I want to have Tricia help me and guide me through the process of EMDR dealing with these past memories that have become so current and fresh, I need to be honest with her. Which means, I have to tell her about the medication and how I purposely stopped taking it. I need to be able to let go and let down all the barriers. If something is keeping me from telling her the full truth, then it means I don't trust her fully for one reason or another.

At least, I think so. I don't know. Maybe it isn't that I don't trust her fully. Maybe it's that I am afraid that she is going to be disappointed with me. I look up to her. I don't want to disappoint her, or cause disapproval. I think I'm afraid that she is going to just dismiss last week as all about the lack of medication. I know the lack of medication intensified everything, every emotion, but there was more behind it than that. I couldn't think very clearly or claim the truth for myself, but I was experiencing (probably too closely) the things that had happened in my past and I wasn't able to shut it down, I didn't have control. The inability to control what was going on emotionally, or to think clearly was from the medication.

Maybe the desire I have to not take the anti-depressant is because I am scared of what this time from January to March will look like if I were more healed and whole and on my meds and more stable. I mean, that's whole new territory for me. And it's scary. This is my familiar. This is what I know. The ups and downs, the anxiety and depression, the fear and darkness. To have a possibility of walking in the light again is scary.

But as I read in Psalm 139 today, even if I want the darkness to cover me and the light to become night around me, even the darkness is like light to God, and it shines like the noonday. No matter what I do, God sees, He knows the motives of my heart, He understands, and He still loves. Even this fearful, trembling girl who's afraid to walk forward and this fearful, angry adult who wants to crush out the past.

He still loves.

Oh God, help me cling to Your truth!

Decision made

2010-12-08T20:44:00.000-06:00

Well, I made my decision.

After how hard yesterday was, I went to bed. I was freezing cold by the time I got there and it took a long time for me to warm up, but I finally did and fell asleep.

Until.

3:15am.

I woke up out of a dead sleep, drenched with sweat and with my heart racing. I don't remember what the dream was that woke me up, I know there was something there as I fought to wake up, but am grateful not to remember it.

I had to get up and completely change clothes and sit for a bit to calm down.

I had at least 2 more panic attacks at work today, and finally after talking with a good friend on the phone, and then my friend from last night in person, they both urged me to do the same thing. They suggested I make a call to my counselor's office and leave a message for her to call me back when she could.

Within the hour, she called back and I told her about yesterday, the memories and their vividness and pain, and the panic attacks, and the dream last night. When she had heard it all and found that I wasn't scheduled to see her until nearly 2 weeks from now, she started looking for another appointment for me. There were two next week, but as we talked she had a cancellation for 3pm tomorrow.

So I am off to see Tricia tomorrow afternoon.

I am frustrated because I feel like I am disappointing people. I am also afraid I am blowing things out of proportion and am making a mountain out of a mole hill. I am afraid it's all nothing, and afraid that it is something. Hmm. Seems like fear is ruling here... and in reality, perfect love drives out fear.... Boy God, do I need to cling to Your love right now!!!!

Please pray for me tomorrow, that my anxiety and fear won't kick in so bad that I am paralyzed as I try to talk to Tricia. Pray also for my son. He wasn't feeling good tonight, and if he stays home sick from school tomorrow, it is going to complicate things to say the least! I am just praying for health for Peter and that this night's sleep will work a miracle for him, because he was running a fever when he went to bed.

Pray for peace for me, and just the ability to trust God through yet another thing I have to work through.

So, yesterday I didn't know what to do about calling Tricia and trying to get another appointment, and today, because of how I was reacting to things and what my condition was, the decision was almost made for me.

I guess it becomes one less thing to worry about and stress about cause it is now out of my hands. Praying for a more restful night than last night, and for a day with a bit of peace somewhere in the middle of it, time with God before I have to go to my appointment.

The unexpected

2010-12-07T22:47:00.000-06:00

God unexpectedly blessed me with an incredible friend tonight. A friend who was willing to pour out, even out of her own brokenness and pain.

She saw where I was at by the end of my day, and even in her own pain, responded out of care and concern. Come to find out we couldn't be more on the same page and in the same place if we tried. And God put us there at the same time to walk together.

I had a break down today at church when she got there to see how I was doing. I had a panic attack as I tried to talk to her there. We spent time in the sanctuary, for privacy so we could talk, and she could help me calm down.

All through the day, as memories have come to the forefront, I have been freezing cold. So she invited me over to her house to hang with her and her son, and I got to snuggle up with various cats (she has 7, five of which I actually saw) and huddle close to her pellet burner till I warmed up. She used the idea of the pellet burner to lure me over, because she knows I am a sucker for a fire!

It worked. The fire warmed me up as did the company that I was given.

Tears were shed, silent prayers prayed, and she gave me the benefit of a listening ear when I needed it, light-hearted conversation as it seemed appropriate, and the space to just have quiet and peace.

This was only the second time I can ever remember going over to someone's house for the first time and not feeling uncomfortable, but rather, feeling safe and that it was where God wanted me.

I am still broken and hurting inside. I let go today and accepted God's forgiveness and forgave myself. And then God allowed a memory (one I rememebered but it was always on the "outskirts" of my mind) to come into full focus and full living color. It was really hard, really painful and nearly shattered me today.

I don't know what to do yet. What decisions I need to make, if any, about going to see Tricia sooner, or if I can hang on for 2 weeks until my next appointment.

But tonight, God has given me a measure of peace. More than I anticipated having. My friend talked to me as I had at least one more panic attack at her house, not counting the one at church. Now it's time for bed, and I am praying for sleep. A nice peaceful, dreamless sleep.

I am just overwhelmed by God's goodness to me through this friend.... even as I am overwhelmed by the pain and fear and fallout of these memories.

This time this evening of relaxing, talking, laughing, listening, crying and praying was a needed break at the end of a long painful day. It was healing. It was given to me by God, through a friend who was willing to listen to His promptings..... and for once I didn't hinder what He was doing, but accepted her invitation of company for a while. If I hadn't, I probably would have come home alone, and kicked myself all night for not going over.

Thank you Jesus for how you unexpectedly bless me so much. You are so good. You are so loving. Please help me cling to that truth, and to how You revealed it to me through this precious time with You and my friend tonight.

Numb

2010-12-06T21:27:00.000-06:00

I'm still feeling numb.

It seems to happen from time to time after counseling. Last time, I was so exhausted I collapsed in the nearby bathroom sobbing. This time, I bypassed the bathroom and went down to my car right away. I sat there for a bit, then moved my car to a more remote part of the parking lot, and sat in a daze for a bit, and actually fell asleep for about a half hour.

When I woke, I started the car and drove to the farm to get the kids. I pulled into the yard, and as no one was out there, turned off the car and sat in the dark, the quiet enveloping me. I'm not sure how long I sat there till the tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Tricia had prayed at the end of the session that though she had talked a lot, that I would remember what I would need to and forget the things I didn't or that weren't God's words for me to remember.

She asked me to work on letting go of the curtains (an image in my head) that I hanging on to, to cover myself and hide myself in. She wants me to work on, and get myself to the point that I will forgive myself for the things that I did in this relationship. To accept God's forgiveness and to claim the truth of His word as my own, and to call the truth, the truth and a lie, a lie. Whether my feelings follow right away or not, I need to believe the truth, to choose it and hang onto it, no matter what.

I know that is what I need to do and she is right.

But as I sat in the car at the farm, crying, all I could think of was how tired I was. So exhausted. So sick of fighting. It's so hard, and all I want is to stop. I don't want to think about anything, this relationship, this struggle for truth, taking captive my thoughts. It's so overwhelming. It's too much at once, and I don't know how to handle it.

I have stuffed it pretty well this past week. Yes, emotions have popped out from time to time, but for the most part, I haven't felt either really good, or excited about anything, or really too depressed either. I felt very "flatline" for lack of anything better. I know I don't have to be super up or down, or have major swings to be "ok" or anything like that, nor do I want that, but it would be nice to be able to enjoy things, or grieve things if I need to.

I have to grieve the loss that I put on myself by the choices I made. I was able to grieve the losses of other things, where I was a victim. I was able to work through the anger there, and finally forgive the offenders. I have been able to go through so much and find God's strength through it all.

Now, I don't have any strength of my own, and I don't feel like I have God's either. Where is the stubbornness and determination I have had in the past? Where is the gumption and backbone I had in the face of what I knew were enemy attacks? I know the enemy wants to keep me bound, stuck and stalled out here. So why am I so reluctant to fight back with the truth?

I'm not sure that I have the answer to those questions. I'm not sure we answered those in counseling, though we might have today, I just feel so befuddled that I really don't know right now.

As we talked, Tricia reminded me one of the phrases I had used to describe myself in light of this situation was that I was filthy.

Later on, I got this image of a glass bottle - almost a jug. Dark green, at least what you could see through the filthiness on the outside of it. Inside were packed all my emotions. Hate, rage and anger at this guy, at myself, I think even at God. Grief, loss, failure, pain, shame, disgust, guilt. It had a rubber cork in it, and I was leaning all my weight on it to keep it corked up. I was afraid to open it, because I was afraid of all the emotions that would spill out.

At first, Tricia asked me to allow that bottle to be opened during the next two weeks, not to dump it out, but just let it open, so that the pressure wouldn't build. But by the end, she suggested that I just work on the part of letting go of the curtain that I was hiding in, and work on the accepting God's forgiveness and love, and forgiving myself. She "gave me permission" to leave that bottle alone until we see each other again.

I feel so numb and exhausted right now, I don't even know what to do.

I have taken my anti-anxiety meds, but still feel that pit of fear in my stomach, the one that gives me heartburn and leaves me all jumpy. I really can't take any more of anything medication wise, and I can't really take much more emotionally either.

I don't want to work. I don't want to think. I don't want to do anything but curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there. I don't want to pray, and it's been like pulling teeth to write here even. How can I be in one place, where I am able to encourage a friend going through a rough time, and the next minute not want to do anything? Even the things I know are good for me, that will help me and will cause me to walk closer with God?

It's just where I'm at right now, like it or not.

Darkness. Struggles. Truth. Lies.

2010-12-01T12:06:00.001-06:00

One of my dear friends just got told some hard news from her doctor. Last night, I was the first person she told. Like she said, it was like a punch in the gut. No conclusions, no answers yet, but suspicions and the mind goes immediately to the worst case scenario, even as you are praying for the best.

For me, there are no tears yet. Those will come. Right now, only questions.

Why?
Why her?
Why now?
After all she's been through the last couple of years or so?

Really God?

Another very good friend of mine is dealing with some very hard things. Things in her life that are surfacing for the first time. She is dealing with them fresh and new, and the backlash of emotions as a result. Rage, depression, despair, reliving the experiences, the senses, smells, sounds, sights, nightmares, fear.

Her words came yesterday as we were on the phone briefly...

"it's either keep on going... or kill myself....
But, I'm too stubborn... too stubborn to give up now.
wait, I like the word determined better...

I'll keep on going.
But I feel like I am drowning."

I know she is safe. I double checked that. I know she is keeping on trying to hang onto God.

But the depth of where she is right now, the darkness that is overwhelming her, surrounding her, blinding her. I recognize it. I have been there, and my friend Cindy walked with me through it all. She was there, even when she didn't have the words to say. She prayed. She listened. She prayed some more.

So that is what I am doing. I have been allowed into this friend's inner circle, one of the few people she is turning to when she needs to talk, and she is allowing me to call her, and check in and see how things are going. I am privileged to be allowed to walk alongside her through this dark time.

Just like my Cindy was for me. I don't have the words all the time, but I am more than willing to listen and pray and hang in there with her for the long haul.

I look at these two situations. Vastly different, but just as painful and dark and hard. I look at myself and what I am going through and it seems so insignificant.

It makes me think that in reality, I don't need to see Tricia anymore. She has much bigger things to deal with than me. I keep thinking that I am blowing out of proportion the things I am dealing with because they seem so unimportant in comparison.

This situation I am dealing with - the first guy that I ever gave myself away to, that started off a chain reaction of poor relationships - seems so small now.

Yes, I did deal with some of it in my past counseling with Tricia, at least a little bit. However, the way things surfaced in my counseling with her, it seemed it all led to this relationship and the things that happened there. So, that's where we went.

The self hate, the anger at the guy, at myself, disgust, worthlessness, feeling so dirty, like I was just a number in a long list..... as they surfaced, they surprised me with their intensity, and scared me too. I felt kind of like I was floating out to sea without a sail, without oars, and nothing to steer with.

The emotions have surfaced from time to time, in short bursts this week. For the most part though, they have been shut down. Closed off. Maybe this is God's way of protecting me and keeping me safe until I see Tricia again this coming Monday. Maybe it's my way of protecting myself. I'm not sure anymore.

In the meantime, I feel like I should just cancel and not see her anymore, because there are so many others who are hurting so much more, and I am just wasting time and money.

Lies most likely.

Because I am having hard time pinning down my emotions or thoughts about the relationship, I am having a hard time believing the truth. What "sounds" like logic to me says that I am just making up reasons to keep on seeing Tricia.

I don't know what to think.

The way I collapsed on the floor of the bathroom, after my last session with Tricia, makes me think that I need to keep on going until I get some of this resolved at least. The way I feel now tells me I was dumb to extend my Monday appointment with her from 60 minutes to 90 minutes. Another part of me is scared to go into January and February without having the chance to touch bases with her every couple of weeks, because my emotions tanked so badly after Christmas last year.

Please pray for my two friends and the extreme difficulties they are going through right now.

Pray for me as well, that the truth would break through the lies, and that I would be willing to first submit to God and let go of my resistance against Him that I'm sensing.... and secondly that I would then stand and resist the enemy.

I want to trade the lies for truth, the fears for dependence on God, the worries for intentional praises of Him who is our Jehovah-Rapha. The God who Heals.

reminder of His love in pain

2010-11-24T23:39:00.000-06:00

I know so many are writing about Thanksgiving right now.... so many posts on being thankful. Who we are thankful for, what we are thankful for, and Who we are praising for those things.

Where I am right now... I'm really struggling.

I picked this memory verse, with nothing in mind of Thanksgiving. It just kind of "fits" with that theme, but really another word brought me there....

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever. Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe." Psalm 107:1-2

The word I was following there was the one translated here as love. In other places and other versions it is translated as mercy, lovingkindness, unfailing love, steadfast love.

Right now I have a great need to be reminded of His love for me.

I am struggling with pain in my fingers (I am cheating now, I probably shouldn't be using these fingers at all right now). This could be a long recovery... and it takes a long time "hen pecking" out emails and posts when you can only use one hand when you are used to using two.

I am also facing a really hard relationship. It's the same one I mentioned a post or so ago, about the person that I did things with that I regret and am very ashamed of. We had barely started to work through it when we ran out of time in our counseling session.

This week we had time. I have been reeling some since Monday night. It was hard work folks! I was so raw when I left Tricia's office. I was ok, holding together, as I walked out the door, but exhausted. I walked down the hall to the nearby bathroom, locked myself in and collapsed to the floor. I was so tired I couldn't stand any more, much less make it down the stairs to my car. Pretty quickly I started sobbing. I cried for nearly 20 minutes before I was able to pull myself together enough to clean up, leave and drive home.

My appointment was that hard.

I don't know for sure how to describe it, other than gut wrenching. I was right back in that relationship again, and the pain of it at the end, and the things that I was doing to keep him.... and I felt stuck and caught and didn't know how to get out... wrapped up in this big curtain, without any way of fighting my way out.

Oh we took so much time working through it, bit by aching bit.
When I was done with the appointment, I physically ached.

I was able to get through the rest of my night with my family and fell into bed.

Yesterday was hard though, because my emotions were surfacing unexpectedly. My pastor interrupted me in the sanctuary in the morning, as I was sitting in there crying. Later after everyone was gone, I spent some time in our associate pastors old office, turned prayer room. And cried there too.

I am still not sure exactly where I am at, but really doubting and struggling with the whole idea that I am worth anything, and that I could be clean and pure in light of all that took place in that relationship. I am fighting with it for sure. I know the truth. It's a matter of getting that from my head to my heart. It is very hard for me to grasp that God loves me unfailingly, unending, steadfastly without change, EVER.

I have another appointment already set with Tricia two weeks from my last appointment, so another week and a half yet before I see her again... but today I called and asked if there was a chance to make it a 90 minute appointment, and I was able to. So, for now, I think that has to due.

It's that time when I just have to cling to God with all I've got, and to soak in His word. As a friend wrote to me earlier this week, I have to take care of my heart. And when I can't hang onto Him any more, I have to let myself relax and remember that He is holding me with His righteous right hand.

He's got me, even when I have nothing left to hold onto Him with - when I am that slide down the wall, collapse on the floor exhausted.... He still lifts me up and carries me till I am strong enough to start walking again and hanging onto Him.

As one of my friends said today about her own situation, "God hang onto my butt, cause I'm going down!" Essentially she was saying the same thing I am.

He's got to hold onto me, because without Him holding me, I will be going down for the third time. I may feel like I'm drowning.... But God. The best two words in the Bible in my opinion....

But God.

I have to hang onto the hope that He is holding out before me. And I will give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures FOREVER!! Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe...... and I am one of those... redeemed from the hand of the foe - redeemed of the Lord. I will give thanks for His enduring LOVE!

abiding in peace

2010-11-19T14:37:00.000-06:00

I talked in my last email about being at peace.

I am struggling with staying, abiding, in that peace right now.

You see, I am typing pretty much one handed right now. I have tendinitis (so the walk-in doctor thinks) in my left hand, in two to three fingers. Its the hand that I partially fell on when I fell and got my stitches in my chin 2 weeks ago. I don't know if I damaged something in the fall (x-rays came back clear) or in using it since then, I have made things worse.

To immobilize my fingers, I actually have a huge splint with a wrap around it, my wrist and hand. It looks like I broke me wrist or something. It is really frustrating, because I really can't do anything... at all... with my left hand. I can't even grab something between my thumb and forefinger!

Yet, in the midst of restrictions and limitations, I am reminded that things could be much worse. It could be my right (dominant) hand, or something could have been broken. I am grateful, and struggling to remember that I can still be in His peace, and rest there.

I have definitely been slowed down these past two weeks or more.

I mean, God has been really slowing me down, between accidents and illness, I have been unable to accomplish the things I've wanted to. Even the simplest things like laundry or cutting back the dead flowers in my flower garden has been beyond me when I was sick, or on pain meds cause of my fall, or now that I am effectively one-handed.

Dave has helped immensely around here in picking up the slack as much as he has been able to around being sick himself, and working.

There has been so much that has been happening in my heart and mind since I last wrote. I am going to have to devote some time later to writing out as best I can, or I might just hand write something out, take a picture of it and upload it as a big picture so you can read that! I don't know. I just know that there is so much on my heart right now. I want to share it with you.

Maybe, too this has been God's way of getting me to listen to Him and be quiet before Him. That way He has had the opportunity to cement some things in my mind and heart before I share with you.

I hope to write more soon! Love and peace to you.

At peace

2010-11-12T13:02:00.000-06:00

I'm more at peace now than I ever thought I could be today. I'm still fighting some jaw pain, though it is much better than it was a couple of days ago. I am also fighting off a cold. I crashed cause I was having trouble sleeping earlier this week, and myl body didn't have enough rest to fight off whatever this "thing" is.

I had a counseling appointment yesterday. I was able to share with Tricia how I finally have closure on a relationship. How God moved in me through the past couple of weeks to get me to the point of letting go. I also told her how He kept hitting me over the head with the need to obey Him and trust Him.

Obedience and trust. It's like the chicken and the egg question. Which comes first? Do you obey God, and do the things He asks you to, and then based on how He brings you through, that builds your trust? Or is it rather that you trust God, from experiencing His faithfulness in the past, and therefore step out in obedience to what He says?

I have a feeling it's more a mixture of the two, rather than one or the other.

After stepping out in obedience to some things God specifically asked me to do, I know and feel deeper down that I can trust Him and that He has my best at heart.

The problem that I encountered with Tricia yesterday, which I sort of knew was there, but not as big as it was, was getting some of that truth from my mind to my emotions. From my head knowledge, to a really deep know and believe heart knowledge.

The one relationship I was working through has been laid to rest I believe. But there is some "residue" left over from that one, that tied directly into another former relationship. A relationship in which I trusted the person, but was greatly hurt, and out of that hurt and desperation to "keep" the relationship, did some things I am not very proud of. (and that's an understatement)

Over all it could be argued that I was a young Christian, and though I knew what I was doing, I didn't know any better. That the other person involved was a Christian longer (not a more mature Christian - I won't give them that) and should have known better than to manipulate me, use me the way they did.

But I did know that those things I was doing were very wrong and they made me sick to my stomach, and still do if I think about them.

For a long time I have buried my guilt and shame and anger at myself. I was at the point of burying the relationship enough, figuring to have put it to rest well enough with my last sessions with Tricia, that I would never have to revisit it again.

It is interesting how God used one thing (Henry's death) to bring me into counseling, and now that I am there, He has brought up things I have needed help with, or healing from. It shows me another way He is intimately involved in my life and in my heart. It shows me His desire to heal me and bring me to a new level in my relationship with Him and with others.

Well, as I talked with Tricia, yesterday, she brought out my care plan, and discussed my progress with me. It showed that I have made forward progress, which is good, and which in reality I knew. I have been in such a better place, even when I have been deeply depressed, that things have progressed much more quickly for me this time. As Tricia said one time, this time has been just a "tune up" for me.

In the care plan, she rated my depression as having moved from moderate to mild (I agree there for the most part, though I am still going to have swings up and down). She also rated my poor sense of self worth at a mild. When she said that one, I just looked at her, and she glanced up from reading and questioned my look. That's what brought up this relationship, and the things I had done.

After we talked a bit about the relationship, Tricia asked if I had a mental picture in my head. I did. She asked then if I wanted to do EMDR around the situation. I said we could, but I wasn't sure even how to go about this, because I felt stupid for even still having trouble with this, with accepting Christ's forgiveness in this specific area, and for forgiving myself.

Tricia said that we could just walk through the negative cognitions (the lies) and positive cognitions that I want to replace them with (the truth) and talk through the process a bit, and if we had time, start the actual EMDR therapy. We did all that, and did have time to start the therapy.

When we started, I could see in my mind's eye the mental picture, and she had me think about the negatives and see where it took us. It was hard for me to settle into, because it's been so long. I was having a hard time concentrating, especially at first. It was like I couldn't "pin it down." But I had such a strong sense of disgust that when she stopped the little machine, I said that I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach.

She asked me if I wanted to go back there again. I said, "no but yes, I will." She turned back on the machine and again it was hard to concentrate, but near the end of that chunk of time, I was not only feeling like I was going to be sick, but emotionally I hurt, I was scared, and I was starting to be able to pin down the image in my head, rather than having it flit all over, and I was able to think about how it made me feel, and the lies it fed.

I remember hearing Tricia say softly that I was still in her office, still safe, but to let the emotions come. Oh, that was hard. I couldn't, not all the way. I might have cried a little bit, but more than anything I was feeling pure revulsion when she asked me to take a deep breath. I could barely manage the breath. She asked me to do it again and then turned off the machine. I sat up and as I looked around her office, reorienting myself, I realized I was shaking - inside and out.

Tricia asked what I had experience there. Part of it was that revulsion and loathing, but that it hurt and that I was coming up against this wall, this black wall and it scared me. She said she wanted to keep on going, but she had another appointment following me and couldn't give me more time then. She said too that she didn't want to leave me in an "unsafe" place or emotional state. So, she asked me to think about the place where I feel safe. My "safe place" right now is somewhere I run when I need to get out of my office, when I need a quiet place to spend with God, when I need comfort. It's the sanctuary at church. Right up near the front, by the piano usually. Sometimes, right on the floor in front of the first row of chairs, looking up at the cross on the wall.

So, I went there, in my mind, starting to feel the peace again of that place, and it started to outweigh the other emotions that had been stirred up. She stopped the machine again, and then had me go back there one more time, this time thinking about one of my more favorite songs at the moment. I was able to relax into that, and when we were done, felt much better than I had at the first. I felt more able to handle the rest of the day.

We prayed together and I left, heading to town to get the kids from school. After spending time with them, they left for the farm, and I was able to have some alone time. I sat and contemplated how I was doing. I realized that truly, despite the hard stuff I had come up against that afternoon, I was doing really pretty good. I had peace. I still do.

I know I am going to have to face up to this relationship in two weeks. But two years ago, if we had had to leave something hanging that long, I would have been in a panic. God is so good in giving me the peace I need.

I have a couple of assignments from Tricia. One is to find passages of scripture that talk about how God sees me, through Christ's blood. I also need to see if I can find scriptures that talk about my needing to focus on Christ. (Like in Hebrews where it talks about fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith). She challenged me as well to watch the movie "The Passion." I have never seen it. She said that when she walked out of the movie, after having watched it, she just said that she knew then and there how much God loved her.

I spent time in God's Word last night, and time journaling and praying.

I woke up this morning having had a good night's sleep, and still feeling like I am close in His arms and His peace. It is a wonderful feeling. One I haven't had in a long time, at least not consistently.

I'm so thankful! Yes, there is hard stuff coming. There are going to be more hard "letting go" opportunities. God is bigger than all those things. God loves me through all of them. He isn't surprised by anything. He still sees me through Christ's blood and sees me as whiter than snow. That won't change.

Oh God, help me keep my gaze fixed on You. You are my comfort and strength and shield and protector. Thank you for this incredible mercy of Your peace and feeling of being sheltered and protected, held and comforted right now. May I continue to rest in you in these coming days.

Building parallels

2010-11-09T20:56:00.001-06:00

Well, my jaw isn't broken, just got jammed and the soft tissues inflamed, so I am having to take it easy on what I eat, soft food, ibuprofen, ice or heat as needed to take away pain or sooth sore spots. I saw the dentist today, and I will be going back in 4 weeks for a general check-up and cleaning.

The hard part is I find myself trying to keep from clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth. Which causes the muscles to be even more sore than they need to be.

My left hand, that I landed on is still sore though. It may stop my trying to write as much as I want tonight. I landed on it, trying to catch myself on Friday, though my chin took the brunt of my fall. I jammed something, somewhere, though it's not broken, but it's going to be a while for it to heal enough that small things like typing don't hurt anymore. It's the top of my pinky and ring finger that hurt, and sometimes my middle finger too. Depends on what I am doing. Sometimes it surprises me because I am carrying something and my hand suddenly hurts and I almost drop what I'm carrying. Though that is usually when I am carrying something far too heavy for that hand to handle.

It's interesting that in the middle of this, I can see how God is working and building parallels in my emotional/spiritual life.

A while ago, I took a spiritual/emotional tumble. I got torn open pretty badly. People have helped me get to where I need to go, between pointing me to God, praying me through it all, and making sure I have seen my counselor. Tricia has been giving me assignments that have drawn me further into the pain. These things, going into the painful areas has been so hard.

I really have been thrown into a tailspin. It has hurt so much to have to write some of the things she has asked me to. Once they have been written, I have been able to put them out of my mind for a while, until I go back to an appointment with Tricia, and have to read those writings to her.

I read one two weeks ago to her. At the end of it, Tricia shared some things that I probably needed to do to help me cut the emotional ties I have in this particular instance. Getting rid of some things, purging them, letting them go. Part of that was done in the writing. But some of that had to be done in the physical letting go of things too.

For these two weeks since, I got sick and was laid low last weekend, and then this past weekend I had my fall and was laid pretty low as well. My weekdays were full with work, kids and home stuff. Good stuff, but finally, over this past weekend, I started coming to terms with the idea that I wasn't obeying God.

God used Tricia and a few other key people in my life to encourage me to do the right thing. To do the things that God wanted me to do to be able to walk in more freedom. He was speaking very clearly to me, and I knew it was Him, through His word, through sermons, through the Breaking Free bible study, through my friends.

I just was choosing, for the past two weeks to wallow in my self hate, bitterness, unforgiveness, unwillingness to accept God's grace and forgiveness to me. I've been fighting with letting go. What's going to happen if I let these things go, the physical things, but more than that, the attachments, the emotional ties I have found buried deep.

As I have struggled, I have heard God telling me the same thing over and over, "Submit to Me, surrender it to Me, I can carry it. My yoke is easy, kind, and much lighter than the one you are trying to drag around."

One of the things that I got out of this week's sermon... again, something that God has been pounding into my head.

If you feel that you aren't hearing from God, see if there is any spot that you aren't obeying Him on. Do that thing, and then listen again. He doesn't withdraw Himself from you, but your lack of obedience will make it really hard for you to stay close to Him. That makes it hard to hear from Him, because you're not doing what He's asked you to in the first place. You've placed a barrier up between yourselves.

Ok, so it wasn't said verbatim that way, but that's what I got out of it.

After being shaken up this weekend, I spent some time praying on Saturday night, journaling before my meds took me out for the count. I made a mental note to see if I could get together and actually talk face to face with my friend Cindy D. We've been emailing back and forth, this past week, encouragement to one another, but not been able to really see each other and talk face to face.

Sunday, I had to play piano for church. My hand was sore, as was my jaw, but I managed it. I ended up having to use dish soap to take off my wedding ring, because my left hand and those two fingers started swelling after I got done doing all the playing for the worship team.

I chatted with Cindy D. a bit and asked her if she was doing anything after church. She laughed at me and asked me if I wanted to get together, if I was asking her if she wanted to talk with me for a bit.... I told her that was what I was asking in a round about way. We had a good laugh about it, and then decided to meet at a near by park in a bit, that way we were able to enjoy the weather and still talk.

We got together and talked for a while. Longer than I had anticipated. During that time, I could tell that God's hands were all over that conversation. From her perspective and life experiences, she was able to listen to me and hear my heart, and then ask guiding questions and pointed questions. Some of these questions, under normal circumstances I would have never answered... even if Tricia had posed them. I probably would have gotten so angry and shut down. They were that hard.

But God had opened up my heart. He opened up that old wound so much in the last couple of weeks, and there Cindy D was asking the pointed questions to help me clean that huge gaping wound with the Truth. The truth of what I really believed, what I really needed, what I was really clinging to, and what I was really avoiding doing.

I needed closure. After my three hour conversation with Cindy D. I was able to go home, talk to my hubby a bit, and do what I needed to do. I threw out a bunch of stuff. I feel lighter now. I felt lighter yesterday. Last night, I did some more cleaning out. Getting rid of things. It made me aware that there is more to do in different areas as well. But, one area at a time. There is a lot of garbage that has collected in areas I thought I had already cleaned out and closed the chapters on. Maybe I have only done surface cleaning there, and now need to do more deep cleaning - or let God do the deep cleaning.

Getting rid of these things was like the wound finally getting fully cleaned out. Ready for healing. The rough edges trimmed off, the dirt scrubbed out.

Letting go of the emotional attachments, it's still taking me a bit to learn to leave them alone. They will die out. But it is like a dying out of a part of me. I have to stop treating myself like crud because I believe I am crud. I have to start seeing myself as God sees me. I have to start saying it, out loud, whether I believe it or not fully yet.

God is stitching me up. But that means I have to be flat on my back, letting Him do the work. I can't fight Him, I can't move around, I can't get up, because I won't heal if I do. If I don't let Him do His work, I won't be able to move on.

Now is the time that I need to just fall into His arms of love. I need to feel His love, my Father's love holding me, comforting me, healing me. I need to be wrapped in a comforter, on His lap, leaning against His chest, listening to His heart beat. I need to listen to that heartbeat of His because it calms me down. When I calm down, I can rest, I can heal and then I am ready to get up when it's time to go on and to the next right thing.

So, I am off to rest some more. Let my physical body rest and heal, and let my heart and soul and spirit rest too. It's easier sometimes to get my physical body to calm down and settle in, but a lot harder to get my mind to settle, and my heart to stop taking flight, and my soul and spirit to relax enough to really hear God's heartbeat for me.

Thank You Jesus that you helped me write this, because when I started this post, I had no idea where it was going. Thank You for showing me the parallels You have drawn in my life to teach me. You Jesus, are so wonderful to me. You have blessed me with incredible friends and counselors, with a great pastor and church, with a family that loves me and cares for me and helps me. I am blessed immeasurably, more than I could have ever asked or imagined! Way back when I first became a believer, I could have never dreamed that I would be where I am today, or that I could have survived all the things I have. You have saved me. Oh my God, you have saved me! You have bought me back, redeemed me, paid for my debts when I couldn't, and I am now yours. You have called me by my name, and I am Yours. Thank you! Help me continue to cling to You and to look back, when I doubt, or when I need to remember to dance for joy, to read these old blog posts as reminders of what You have done, and what You have promised to do.

Quick Update

2010-11-05T19:20:00.000-05:00

This is one blog post that I will NOT take a picture to illustrate!

I can now no longer say that I have never had stitches in my life. Yup. I had a bit of an accident today.

Marina and I were going to pick up Peter from school (early release) and were running together along the sidewalk. Just as we came up over the curb onto the sidewalk leading down to the school, my foot either caught something or slid. Not sure which.

I was holding Marina by one hand and as I tripped (or whatever) I went down. Hard. I was able to throw out one hand to catch myself, but the other was still holding onto Marina. She was off balance and so came down with me.

She got just a scratch, thankfully. I however landed on my left hand some, but by the time I could do anything to catch myself, I was too far gone. I landed, almost my full weight on my chin. I had no idea how much I was hurt till I looked around (still on my stomach) and saw my glasses on the ground about 2 feet away or so. I got up quickly and was checking with Marina to make sure she was ok.

As I was leaning over, blood started dripping on the sidewalk. From my chin. I found a wad of tissues and pressed on my chin to stop the bleeding, collected Peter and got to the car. I drove to our friend's house close by, and she made sure Marina was ok.

Then she took me into the bathroom. As soon as I saw my chin, I almost passed out.

Long story short, great-grandma came and picked up the kids from Sandy's house. Sandy took me to the ER. By the end, I had over a dozen stitches in my chin, and prescriptions for pain meds. Sandy drove me back to my car, and I drove home from her house, ate a bit, and then took my meds and have been resting ever since.

Please pray for me that I will be able to sleep tonight, and that I will be able to play the piano for worship team this weekend. My hand still really hurts (as does my chin).

And now, I really need to lay down... cause I am feeling light headed again.

Forced Rest

2010-10-30T21:18:00.000-05:00

Today has been made up primarily of sleep for me. I wish I could have been out in the beautiful weather with the kids at the farm. Or at least cutting back my dead flowers and cleaning up the yard, because before too long the snow is gonna sneak up on us and stuff in my yard has to be protected, put away and prepared.

However, it was not a day of work for me for sure!

I got up this morning at about 8:30 or so with the kids. I have been sick and as soon as I stood up, I knew it was going to be a "day." I was dizzy and lightheaded, and my head hurt. I took some tylenol and decongestant, and then set about getting the kids settled in. Once they had their chocolate milk (carnation instant breakfast - their "drink of choice" in the mornings) in hand, I settled down with them on the couch and watched a bit of cartoons with them. Pretty soon they were up and moving. They wanted to play at their desks.

Yes, we somehow squeezed 2 desks into this living room. We had a small one Peter was using for a while. But we were looking for a bigger one for him, one that would accommodate a computer monitor, keyboard and mouse. When I was visiting Cindy, and mentioned that we wanted to get Peter a new desk, she jumped up and showed me a desk that she just removed from her house. I jumped on it. It was the perfect size. Peter can set aside the keyboard and mouse when he wants to use the desktop and has plenty of room there. He's thrilled. So is Marina, because Peter's move up means that she gets his old desk. Perfect timing.

Anyway, as they played, I curled up on the couch under both of the kids blankets and rested. Finally, Dave got up after sleeping in, the kids got dressed, and they all headed to the farm. I grabbed a microwavable rice sock (gotta try those if you haven't... they are heaven and you can even make your own!!) heated it up and headed to bed. I rested there for a bit, trying to write but that really didn't work well as I was too tired and spacey. I finally rolled over and fell asleep for a couple of hours.

I got up and read, did a load of laundry, got a load put away, but really didn't do much for my day. Took a hot shower and changed into fresh pj's. That's about all.

I realize that I haven't had a day like this in a really long time. I can't remember the last time I didn't really have to do anything. I mean anything at all! I think this cold is God's way of slowing me down. I have had a little bit of time up and around with the kids, but already I can feel my energy flagging again.

Good timing, the kids are just about ready for bed, and I am planning on climbing into my bed shortly as well.

Because I haven't had a day like this in a long time, I felt almost guilty for not doing anything. But I haven't taken a day voluntarily in so long, that I think God has used this cold to really slow me down. I mean, I nearly had to stop everything today.

I feel bad, because when I have a day that I'm able to detach from everything going on around me (or even a portion of a day) I try to spend it with God. But I seriously wasn't able to even think clearly enough to hardly pray. Maybe it was good, because many of the things that have hit me this week are too hard for me to deal with right now, and like a friend has said, it's time to take a vacation from it for a while.

Yesterday I had no voice, so I could only listen as my friend Cindy D. talked with me on the phone. I was able to talk with her a little bit, but for the most part, it was a time for her to share. Today I could talk more, but until now was unable to string more than a few thoughts together.

So, it truly has been "forced rest" today. I have had no way of avoiding it, and no real energy to try. A forced rest physically, and a break from thinking through problems or "tough stuff" and a time just to "be." It's hard for me to do, but needed so much of the time.

I have read so much about taking a Sabbath rest. Not just once in a while, but weekly. I want to do this. I want to have a "God day" and a time where I can just take the time out from working, over thinking, and just do things that help me rest up and recharge. Sometimes I can do that for a little bit, some portion of a day, here and there. But I want to incorporate this into my weeks and months that are coming.

It's crazy that a long tough road of preparation for an event, and the event itself is what makes me take some days off from work, and then a cold on top of it taking me out so badly that I had to take another day really off.

It should be something worked into my schedule already.

I can see it's going to be another way to take care of myself. Another thing in the list of "self care" that I'm going to have to work on.

It's been hard to feel so under the weather. But when my body shuts down, there is nothing I can do. It felt good to have the freedom to collapse as I needed to for the day. I owe my husband a great debt of gratitude for that, for taking the kids away and letting me rest. It was wonderful.

Thank you God too, for forcing me to rest. May I keep in mind this break, and remember to take the unexpected breaks I get during the weeks ahead to stop and rest and be with you, and to be ok with doing nothing but sleeping, if that's what my body needs.

Joy strength

2010-10-27T15:41:00.000-05:00

Oh my friends, God was so good this weekend.

We had around 200 people in our church this weekend, as we hosted our districts Annual Meeting and Celebration.

The meeting started with a two hour prayer gathering. We worshipped and prayed together corporately. As the theme of the weekend was prayer, it was a good way to start.

When we entered into the general session after lunch, God just really moved in my heart. I was helping lead the worship, and was standing up there watching others get moved in worshiping our great God. The Spirit was tangible there as nearly 200 people gathered together singing praise. God moved in my heart as well.

We were in the middle of the second song, and the thought ran through my head (and heart) that if God had told me a year ago, even 6 months ago that I would be helping lead worship for our district's Annual Meeting, I would have called Him crazy!!! As that thought came to me, it just hit me how much He has done in me. Yes, I am still struggling with depression and still have some heavy stuff I am working through right now even, but Oh! How He filled me with such joy and thankfulness right then and there.

I was to the point that I wanted to spread my arms out (I did with one arm in the middle of the song - but it's hard to do that with both when you are still supposed to sing into the mic.) lift my face to Him, and then fall on my face, just in awe.

I couldn't hold still up front with all the joy that was in me. I felt lit up by Him. I don't know how else to describe it. It was an amazing feeling!

Later, when I talked with my friend Cindy, I told her I couldn't believe what God had done in the middle of that set of music, and she gave me a big squeeze and said that she knew, she could see it, and she was dancing in the streets right along with me.

God is so good that way. He lifted me up and strengthened me for this incredibly big and busy weekend. He held me up when I was exhausted, and energized me even what I thought I was running on fumes.

He filled me with so much joy, I thought I would burst!

He did all this because He knew what I faced this week. He knew better than I did what I would have to have to be able to make it through this week.

As I walked into my day Monday, I knew right then and there that God had filled me with joy and a sense of having done my job very well. A knowing that it was Him working in me that accomplished so very much over the weekend. Because the things I faced on Monday, through counseling and coming to terms with some of those things were extremely heavy and hard and I needed the "joy strength" He gave me to deal with the shame and flood of other negative emotions that hit me as I started to process other things.

That in and of itself is another story. Another post.

This one is to remind me (and you) that no matter what I am going through, no matter what we are going through, God sees it, has already seen it and has prepared us for it. Sometimes (most times) we don't feel prepared, but that still doesn't negate the truth that He is there, He is our strength and He is the only one who will get us through the storms. Sometimes He strengthens us before, sometimes in, and always through everything we go through.

Thank you Jesus!

I have this hanging on my wall, given to me by a friend just before the Annual Meeting. It's hanging right where I can see it all the time. It seems to be very appropriate for me today and every day.

Psalm 18:2
THE LORD IS MY ROCK AND MY FORTRESS AND MY DELIVERER, MY GOD, MY STRENGTH IN WHOM I WILL TRUST.

God and writing

2010-10-17T19:50:00.000-05:00

So last night I spent some time writing. God uses my writing to help me process and to hear His voice.

God used it to make me realize that I haven't dealt fully with some aspects of my past. Things from back in Junior High, like when I was 12. I thought I had laid a lot of that to rest. But when Tricia and I were talking last week, we realized we hit on something right before the end of our session.

I had been bullied by a couple of different people in 7th grade. It wasn't that big of a deal or so I thought. But as I worked through it as I wrote last night, I realized just how big a deal it was. I really took what was said and done to me to heart.

Though I am very high on the Empathy/Feeling charts, I find myself shutting down emotionally and unable to re-engage. I traced it back to some things that happened while in 7th grade where I vowed that I wasn't going to let others see me cry in front of them again. Unless I was in a "safe place" or with "safe people" I didn't cry. I also didn't express how I felt to anyone for the most part, even to my mom, when something happened.

I can remember when my first cat died. It was my senior year of high school. I'd had her since I was four. My mom was taking her in the next day to be put down because she was too sick and in pain. I got home from school the next day, and had a friend with me. We hung together in my room, ate supper and went back to the school for a late drama rehearsal. I never said anything to my mom about Willow, for a long time.

Several months later, I encouraged my family to get two kittens, and they had them for a very long time. Later I ended up telling my mom that I stayed up several hours with Willow on her last night. Curled up next to her on the couch, petting the one place that didn't hurt her (the top of her head and ears) and cried. The reason I had a friend come home with me the next day was cause I needed the distraction. But it was a long time before I could acknowledge those emotions, define them, and share them with someone.

I am not as bad as that now. I have healed a lot in the last few years.

However, there are still times when I have trouble expressing my emotions. Sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling. Like I said, I shut down. Because of the bullying things that happened to me, the humiliations, I ended up putting up walls to protect myself.

God has been faithful in helping me pull down those walls. Many of them are down now, and I have much less of a tendency to hold in emotions than I used to. It's much less self-destructive. But there are still walls there. Some of these walls have people's names on them, I have discovered. It's going to take a lot of hard work to get those walls to come down.

With God's help, I know it will happen. In His time.

There are other things that are going on at the same time. - again - there is always something, and it seems God is working on me from different fronts, with different things all at once. Maybe it seems like that because He is trying to help me shore up the weaknesses that He sees in me, so that I can come out the other side more whole, and a better person to better reflect His light.

All in His time. And - as a reminder to myself - I don't need to know the why's of what's going on or what's happened.

God uses my writing to help me process different things. Last night He helped me process and identify some things that I need to go over with Tricia. Other times He just plain outright speaks to my heart, by impressing something on it. Other times it is through reading His Word as well.

I am just so glad that He still speaks and heals and redeems and restores, today as always.

He's got me covered.
He's got you covered.

Praise God for that! I am so grateful that He hems us in behind and before and that He lays His hand upon us all!

Busy week, in more ways than one

2010-10-15T11:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a very busy week. I am very tired and fighting a cold.

Our church is hosting our district's Annual Meeting and Celebration. That means that I am the point person for the church, pulling people in to help with decorations, hosting, ushering, food, media and sound, building set up, child care - among many other things.

I have been running my tail off this week because we have had meetings and I have been making many phone calls to get everything sorted out.

The meeting is next week Friday and Saturday, so if I am rather absent here in the next week, please forgive me. I just have so much to do, and so much on my mind.

The theme for the Annual Meeting is "Getting back to Basics: Prayer." So I have someone who jumped onto my team, who is so fired up about praying for everyone coming. She has organized our church to literally cover every single person in prayer. There are people who grabbed someone's name, filled out a card to let them know they were praying for them and slipped it into an envelope with their name on it. Those will be put into everyone's registration packets. They then keep the person's name and pray for them throughout the next week or so, and just pray as God leads them to.

It has been amazing to feel the prayers of people. Once this dear lady jumped in and started really organizing the prayer for the event, I have been feeling entirely different about how things are going. God is so good that way. She was an answer to an unspoken prayer of mine that someone would be there that I could call on to pray for me, whatever it was, and whenever. She has.

As we move into this next week, again things will be very busy, but there are things going on personally that will add to the stress unless I am able to let them go to hang onto God, or as I said in my last post, let Him hang onto me.

I went through counseling with Tricia this past week. By the time I was done, I was feeling so sick to my stomach. It took me nearly an hour before I trusted myself enough to drive home. I just sat in the parking lot in my car.

God lifted me above those intense emotions and reactions to the things we were talking about this week as I have had other things I have needed to deal with. I am so grateful He does that. He has sustained me this week.

Of course the last couple of days I have been staying with Him pretty intensely as I have been working on catching up on my Breaking Free Bible Study. This study has been amazing. We just finished Week 4, and I know there is much more to go, but God has been using it already in seeing patterns and areas where truly I am still in bondage. After talking to Tricia, and then working through the bible study homework, God revealed to me some areas that I am going to have to really work on. Not easy stuff, but worth it in the long run.

There are a couple of assignments that Tricia gave me that I have to do in the next 10 days or so. I need to have them done by the Monday after the Annual Meeting. I am going to be taking off the 25th and 26th from work to recover from the weekend, and I have my appointment with Tricia that Monday afternoon. I am hoping that I don't have to do my "homework" from her that morning, but if I have to, I will.

My heart hurts thinking about it though. I don't want to have to do what she is asking me to, and what I feel God is asking me to. It's difficult though I know it will bring further healing. I don't know if I will ever get beyond the depression, or the struggle with it. Knowing the why's or the answers to the questions doesn't help either, because I still have to deal with it.

I would like to do it ahead of time and get it out of the way. But with the multitude of responsibilities I have for the Annual Meeting, I just am afraid these things will stir up way too many emotions. I know that God can handle it, that He can cover it and give me the strength to do all things. I just need prayer that I will know when to do what He wants me to do.

It makes it all harder to look at with any clarity when I am feeling sick. I have to sing during the Annual Meeting at several different points for the worship team. It's an added thing on top of the responsibilities I have, being available for the district executive administrator to help her with anything she needs. I am glad to do it. I feel that God has called me to sing and help lead worship. With this cold, however, it will be difficult to sing if it doesn't clear up quickly!

As you can see I have a lot on my plate in the next week... and it's not just the Annual Meeting. My brain feels fried, and there are so many things I want to do, need to do, and should do that I am not quite sure where to start.

Thank you for listening to my babble! :) I will be praying for all of you as God brings you to my heart and mind, but I may not be able to be around for a visit for a little bit.

If something comes up this week that I need to share, I will pop on here again, but again it all depends on how things go.

Exhaustion and choices

2010-10-10T13:57:00.000-05:00

Lack of enough sleep really does me in.

The last couple of nights or so have been late ones, besides the fact that I was sleeping on the couch to give my visiting parents a bed to sleep in. Needless to say I didn't sleep the greatest or long enough.

The tiredness has increased the "weight" that I have been feeling sneaking in around the edges the last few days. God is still good. He is still in control. I was still able to worship Him today at church.

I just feel that depression building up again. Besides being tired, I really wish I knew its source. It's hard to figure out because I just don't see it. Though I know right now exhaustion is playing into it big time, it's still frustrating to see and feel the anxiety and know that I have to walk this road.

So I am choosing today to try, despite distractions and frustrations with the kids, to cling to the truth. I'm working on keeping my focus on God. I am struggling to stay open to Him and keep myself in an attitude of submission and surrender.

It's not an easy process and I am definitely struggling. It's hard when all I want to do is sleep.

But I am clinging to God - and better yet, He is holding me with His righteous right hand. His hands are holding me and that's stronger... stronger than any way I could cling to him in my own strength.

Thank you Jesus for holding me. Thank you for always meeting me where I am at. Thank you for loving me so much that You became sin for me, so that I might become Your righteousness. You are so good. Thank You for Your peace in the midst of depression and pain. Please continue to uphold me and strengthen me for this road you have me on. Give me the peace that passes understanding and the joy inexpressible that only comes from you. I love you - help me to keep falling deeper in love with You every day.